the void

Blogging might not be the most helpful format for this, buuuuuuut my main goal rn is to mull over M things.

Specifically, I’m trying to imagine what exactly I want from a relationship with her. I have a desire to reach out again and reconnect–to what end? What is it I’m looking forward to?

(I know that probably reads as rhetorical, but I mean it–I’m trying to figure those questions out, not imply that those questions are so obvious that considering them is a joke/pointless)

I feel starved for the kind of easy conversation and communication we still sometimes have. As long as it’s not…. “personal” as in interpersonal, specifically between us, it’s pretty acceptable. It’s nice to feel validated in casual ways, you know? And it gives me a boost to share something that will make someone else feel like I feel, or feel excited, or interested.

I wanna show my fam some of these game changer eps.

or like…. what do I do about my history with M? I suddenly feel like R wasn’t portraying the situation as accurately as I’ve been thinking. like… like a switch was flipped and now i don’t feel injured by all the stuff that came before, I’m having trouble picking out what it was that I didn’t like….. I guess there’s a few ways to refresh my memory if necessary. I remember being really sad. Really sad and stressed out.

…. so much for figuring this out. I hardly have any words on the subject, and this draft has been sitting here for days.

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey

I guess it sure has been like four months since I wrote on here somehow. that five months has gone really fucking fast. let’s see what’s up…

• I still have some acid refluxy whatever that makes me feel exhausted and like I’m short of breath and going to pass out if I don’t eat a certain way (no spice, no caffeine, mint/chocolate/beer/alcohol/fat/basically anything delicious can cause it to flare up) but I’m taking less omeprazole than before and still working my way down. and yes it did get worse after I got my moderna booster and my house got covid
• yeah my house got covid. i was one of two people who didn’t ever have symptoms or test positive but so far no one has had really debilitating long-covid symptoms pop up, for which i am grateful
• except my sibling might’ve flown to tennessee to visit some kind of datemate of unknown relationship length and gotten a mild case of covid in the process that never got a positive test result and definitely actually does have long covid symptoms now, to add to all the stuff that they already deal with
• my dad has developed some severe health problems that, while not inherently cancer, are cancer-like and are probably a result of the chemo he underwent several years ago when he beat cancer. like apparently it’s a thing, that 5% of ppl who take these drugs develop this disorder later. and he’s reacting way worse to the chemo this time around, just having a really fucking awful time.
• he and my mom were both planning to retire soon. now as a result of him being sick, those time frames are accelerated in order to take care of him. i don’t know if he’s going to have health insurance as long as they were hoping and he’s in the hospital rn, so i’m really …. when i think about it, i’m very worried about them financially and don’t know what to do. how am i supposed to live my life and also take care of them?
• r and i are looking into moving out of this house. it’s gotten harder to manage housemates after everyone getting covid, ppl have stronger diverging opinions on how to “reopen” after most everyone getting sick. one of our roommates in particular, d, is a nurse and actually works on covid-related stuff and is still saying joe rogan shit like “all these strict restrictions that you put on other people did nothing to help anyone in the house except [other person who didn’t get covid—still not sure why I didn’t count there] so what was even the point? We need to just accept that getting sick with covid is part of the new normal so we can get back to our lives” or some shit like that. it seems like a lot of clique-y conversations went down behind the scenes, not in the main group thread, and then when we all get together to talk about it, what comes through is this “i know better than you” attitude. like, fuck off. go live in a house with my ex gf if that’s how you feel. you two can talk about how covid deaths are just like a hurricane or whatever.

speaking of her. I guess I gotta exit the bullet points for this bc it’s gonna be long. i went and got my furniture from that house recently bc k is in the process of moving out, and i also grabbed our former housemate’s mail from the common areas per their request so they don’t have to interact with their ex-wife who sexually assaulted them.

originally when i showed up to help k and grab my stuff, i wasn’t even gonna announce my presence, i was just gonna try to go for it and get away with being in common spaces as long as possible without someone noticing and coming out to check on me. but r advised me to shoot a message to the group.

of course, immediately after sending that i hear footsteps thumping around quickly upstairs where before the living room had sounded quiet and empty. and of course, the abusive ex-wife was in the kitchen the whole fucking time i was there, for basically no reason–picking up a dish from the sink here and there, puttering, keeping an eye on me for whatever reason. dunno what you’re afraid of but ok sure, you’re in control here. have fun with that.

i’d been working on dismantling a table for maybe 10 minutes when i hear footsteps coming down the stairs from the master bed/2nd floor, and in a voice that sounds just as tired and croaky as ever, “hey. want some help?” …. that just about encapsulates our relationship, doesn’t it? Even when we have no actual friendship to offer each other, nothing positive, we stick together and help each other out. which could be a good thing. has been a good thing sometimes.

what grosses me out about it is that is glosses over everything that’s been bad in the last two years. by accepting her help now, i’m supposed to just… move on from everything i’ve been thinking and feeling. i can’t. everything that you said and the way you treated everyone during covid was so fucking rancid. when T left B on account of the sexual assault, cutting off the shitty housewife from all the money for food, rent, phone, etc, i can picture with crystal clarity how you were so happy to swoop in and “save” her, “save” the house. now that the house needs you (and other-B) financially, you can gleefully re-enter without having to address any of the house’s previous covid concerns. and B would of course love to have a friend after she drove away her partner, someone sympathetic who can also shit-talk T now that they’re gone.

so no, I didn’t and don’t want your “help.” but of course i’m not gonna say shit while i’m still trying to get my and T’s stuff out safely, especially since R and my dad had to leave to drop stuff off at the storage unit.

so m and other-b hung out on the couch trying to help me with a few little things–i got my old ps3, m pulled out some old logitech mice that could’ve been hers or mine or joint purchases. she seemed to be legitimately trying to be helpful. i just feel so done and so unable to trust. and i feel pretty confident that she’s unwilling/unable to do any of the things that would rebuild that trust.

it was very weird being there and kind of sad. the living room was super hot and smelled like cat waste (great combo even through my kn95). everything i saw was messier, dirtier, and more cluttered than ever, from the kitchen to the bathroom. other-b was still playing the same like… hard rock, industrial, older music as always. it was weird to see him after so many years, too. it looks like his teeth are kind of fucked up or maybe he just hasn’t brushed in a really long time?

other-b had a present for me of different mint-colored pens and stuff. cute and nice and i’ve already enjoyed them a lot, but like… what the fuck? y’all have surely been talking shit about me behind my back, our relationship has been getting more and more strained, and you fully stopped talking to me five months ago. (not like i tried to encourage the conversation at all, either… i’ve been pretty passive.) and then i had to be in proximity for unrelated reasons and all is well? I appreciate the hospitality while i needed to get my stuff out, but this level of friendliness is not the one we’re on. which… you know.

i guess what you don’t know is how i’m feeling. but i’ve been playing this game (if i can call it that) for a long time now. you haven’t asked me a question -at all- in probably over a year. if you wanted to know and not just assume a bunch of crap, you could theoretically ask. you did ask a few things about like… where we’re living and how my dad is doing when i was there in person. i wonder why that’s easier for you. but yeah none of that included asking direct stuff about me. which, i guess i understand.

while i was there, she said a bunch of stuff about wanting to catch up and hang out sometime and blah blah blah.

and then i left and that was the end of it. she didn’t follow up on any of what she was saying and i was left to sort through what i was feeling. and the main feeling i had was that i didn’t want to put more effort into reaching out to her just based on running into each other and having one mildly positive interaction that did nothing to make the other issues between us go away.

and here i kind of run into some trouble. i sorta already told my therapist that i directly specifically broke up with m, when i …. did not do that. i told her that i told m i had a problem with how she treated t during covid house boundary talks and it made me realize things about how m treated me and how that wasn’t a good thing. i also didn’t say any of that to m. i’ve more been doing what i described above, where i just wait for m to ask about it before saying anything, I’ve been very not forthcoming in our previous messages about anything to do with me. so… the problem here is that i want to ask my therapist for advice about approaching this conversation, but like. some of the stuff i want to say is stuff that she thinks i’ve already said.

oh. getting ahead of myself a little, actually. i actually kind of fucked up in another way….. after that weekend of moving stuff, i sent m a post on tumblr for the first time in several months. it was like. it seemed perfect for her, it seemed like something she would really appreciate and enjoy. wordplay about computers. “caches to caches, rust to rust.” i thought it would be a while before she saw it and that it would fly under her radar, and not be a time-sensitive thing. as tumblr shares usually are. nope! fuckity nope! i woke up the next morning to an absolute shit fuck ass load of messages from her, trauma dumping about how overworked she and other-b have been in the last few months (because she got him hired at her work bc ofc). just… SO much info, oh my god.

so now i have decisions to make. i have like actual concrete messages to respond to, or not. if i do respond, i have to figure out what i want to say. it’s fucking annoying how it’s been what, like…. two days? one day? since she messaged me and it’s just taking up so much fucking space in my brain. i don’t want this. but it gives me a lot of brain energy to focus on it, somehow. just… endless fodder for Having Feelings and Thinking About Myself. two of my favorite things i guess.

i think it makes it easier for me to live my life and move on and stuff and have space for other, new people if i don’t try too hard to rekindle. if i leave her as an ex.

I’m also thinking about exiting the house discord now that I have my furniture. as far as i can think, there’s nothing else for me there… internet… utilities… the ikea shelf i left… all the plates and mugs and kitchen things i left…. T’s cat, insta pot, wii u, ps4. i need to ship them their mail now gdi. x.x

there’s this dimension… i mean. god. there’s so many things fucking with me about this. but one of those axes in particular is like… engaging with the power dynamics vs trying to act like i’m above them/not engaging. if I try to speak my end of things plainly, I might just give her fodder to judge me and/or manipulate me and/or treat me badly. I don’t want to give her information on how I’m doing or what I’m feeling or thinking at all.

How am I feeling and thinking tho? Overwhelmed, I think. Stressed. Completely unsurprised. Judged. I want to leave the door open for future potential reconciliation, but I want it to be clear that I know she’s not trustworthy.

my uterus is starting to rly hurt and i’m getting distracted by rereading her messages again to glean all meaning possible. fuck this is so annoying. i should be working on sewing projects.

day 3 of my incidental, unasked-for 4-day weekend. i had been doing okay for my stomach until friday night, when r and i went to get some japanese food and overate slightly. there’s something about the evening that like… my guts just kinda slow down and i have to give like 1-3 extra hours to digest stuff that in the morning i’d go through in an hour.

friday night driving around i explained the current work sitch to r and he had the most useful advice of anyone i’ve talked to so far. “unable to meet peak demand with current staffing” (self-explanatory) “context switching” (which is apparently a whole job to manage and make sure the ppl who have to do that are able to do so efficiently/effectively?) and “resolution” (the numbers our CFO cares about are too “zoomed out” to see the peaks and valleys that actually affect our performance/matter to our capacity)

what was also weird was like… it was harder to explain my work sitch to r smoothly than it was with my therapist. like when i was talking to her i was honestly impressed that i was able to abstract it that much for that long, and she seemed to understand. but maybe that’s just her being good at inferring shit from ppl who have wildly variable communication abilities. and also r kept like.. interrupting, sometimes for good reason. driving, moving between car and fred meyer, etc.

saturday…. we went closer downtown so i could buy some supplies more locally. i haven’t been in that area for a long time. it’s supposed to be this cool happening place but when i’m there it just feels dirty, uncomfortable, and difficult to get around. which i guess only means i haven’t like… ever ever used that as my stomping grounds. we got some good food and rushi got to try a couple of mexican places he hadn’t before. And Yet still had to eat a bunch of stuff later that night ughhhhh not my best idea. i didn’t even crave it that bad, it just….. sounded nice to have more tacos. to actually be satisfied by tacos and not just have a little teaser snack. Brain hunger, not stomach hunger. What do?

so hopefully today won’t turn out like that. i would like to be craftsy and giftsy. gotta be earlier about gifts this year ughhh

i’ve been listening to this playlist i made when feeling extremely horny and like… broadcasting that at the lab? bc work crush? all good songs, still slappin.

you know what’s nice? last weekend, in my journal, i basically @-ed my brain and was like look. this crush can’t go on. it’s bad for u. you’re gonna get hurt if you keep getting this high off this dude who isn’t your bf, even considering polyam things and how close i’ve come to talking to r about this. i tried to be thorough and thoughtful about it and filled up a page or two, then went to bed. and about three business days later, it was like a switch had flipped. like yes it took some processing energy but i don’t feel that same… weight of expectation on a stranger. not a stranger, i guess, but a new friend. and i would like very much to keep being his friend, i think. like yeah sure maybe polyam things later i guess, whatever, but i feel like i can be more reasonable about it all now. like i don’t have to have stupid infatuation-fueled ulterior motives for things i say and do in the lab. no more “i don’t want to get poked by your bones while i’m getting poked by your bones” even though they apparently found that very entertaining. that was a step too far for something as acoustically slutty as our office.

i’m also in a mood of wishing for glowy shit. r’s room is insufficiently glowy. i can’t believe the string lights i got from target already fuckin blew out in the living room. just completely fuckn dead. what’s the point of trying to make this house nicer if the electrical wiring is just gonna eat all my hard work?

dating r has made it easier to expect sex jokes that are…. making jokes out of sexual situations, as opposed to making a non-sexual situation sexual and that’s why it’s funny. i think. it’s hard to fully GrAsP(TM) it’s not…. what i wanted or expected but seems like a useful skill. i guess.

oh, right. we finally get around to the thing i meant to use this post to think through xD somewhere in this whole work crush thing, some of my libido regarding rushi has changed. i think it was already changing before anyway, tbh? it’s not like this thing made a switch flip off in my brain. but like… i’m more likely to not want to go from 0 to 60. need more time to work up to things. and it’s about damn time, you know? god forbid i be wary of you grabbing for my nip-nops when for so long, it’s been a fucking joke to you to get a reaction out of me and then go do something else, completely unaffected and uninterested. it’s a rare fucking treat to have felt attracted to someone else where there’s like… potential to not be treated that way. for both ppl to feel electricity and passion and not turn it into a fucking joke. it’s cute and nice that you actually told me with your mouth that you “want some fucky” yesterday. that might actually be the first fucking time you’ve said you wanted sex. with me. although you didn’t say that part. but at least it was somewhat implied.

i guess maybe that’s something i could stand to share with him directly. maybe. fuck, i don’t know. this one time doesn’t make him higher libido or more interested in me. i could see it deepening a rift, too. or like… not exactly that, but…. kind of like that.

it’s a good thing i chose this domain name because what’s more fitting a title for a sad horny person? pwease fill my holes uwuwuwuwuwuuwuwuwwuwuw they’re taking over evewything uwuwuwu yeah.

successfully left this to the last minute this weekend when it was one of the first things i wanted to do. i sincerely hope i can still make something of it.

*locks door behind me, ostensibly to protect from pressure changes popping it open, but actually so r can’t walk in unannounced*

today I deep cleaned. my favorite weekend activity lmaoooooo. other people who are around and have been around were on kitchen 2 + living/dining, and I vacuumed and swept floors for them, in addition to emptying the dish rack TWICE and emptying the dishwasher after ppl left it there for literally days. pretty sure either me or r was the last ones to empty it. THEN after doing other ppl’s chores so that i could wash my own fucking dishes, I came in here, tidied up, vacuumed the floor, finished folding my laundry, and then dove into deep cleaning the closet, which has been a chest-high trash pile for at least a month now.

oh shit my therapist sent me a schema questionnaire and i need to fill it out by wednesday, need to not forget to do that.

it’s like… medium improved in here. i feel like at least my sad little corner mess is a lot better to look at now. r needs to fucking take care of his clothing chair tho. it’s getting out of hand.

this sitting position is making me worse at typing and thinking but idk where else to go

hmm ok this is slightly better/more ergonomic but also kinda far from my face. good use of speakers tho.

listening to my 2012 bad-at-polyam playlist and really getting yote back. i don’t know if i would be any better at that situation now, tbh, or y’know, one similar enough to bring out the same feelings but not exactly the same. sometimes in the mornings w r, i think i might be getting better at letting myself think about what i want and not just uh. desperately hoping for scraps. it’s nice to be at a point where the tables have turned. even if now what i want is so much more like…. bland than the extremes i would have wanted a long time ago. the usual escalator.

this weekend i’ve been having feelings of not being able to fit in with the housemates. they’re right there, having fun, interesting conversation… and i have nothing to say. it’s like “oh yeah i know about that haha” but i don’t actually have anything to say about it. and i’m low-key frustrated enough about all the cleaning and stomach issues i’m having that when a housemate comes into the kitchen, i’m not always personally interested in striking up a convo like everything is a-ok.

ugh, meal planning for gerd. yet another thing i haven’t gotten to yet this weekend. two hours left to do it all, basically. brushies and oatmeal and packing for work and lunch for tomorrow??? and trying to feel like i wrote literally anything of substance here instead of bouncing around trying to stay safe while expressing myself on the internet, god damn.

how about… friday at work. Despite everything, it left a bad taste in my mouth. I can’t help but feel I’m a pawn in a game between the two of them. I would like to be actual friends—and sometimes I even foolishly think we all are acting that way—and then i hear them speaking to each other really quietly and it’s like *oh*. Never mind. Or when I’m leaving for the weekend and I say bye and neither of them even hear me because they’re already too busy chatting w each other after spending a whole hour apart while he’s checking orders or w/e on the other side, jfc.

am i really that stupid though? like. literally nothing this week has seemed like the behavior of someone who gives a shit about me. he’s never looking for me, if that makes sense. why would someone who feels that way (or, i guess, doesn’t feel that way) go all the fuck out of their way to give me a hug out of the blue? that was such an unexpected escalation. but what i want it to mean and the rest of his behavior… don’t really mesh. so maybe it was just some surprisingly physical sympathy after a medium-intensity department meeting. i don’t know and i don’t know how to get it through to the rest of my brain to let it the fuck go. nothing else he’s done has ever been… at me. i don’t think he sees me that way.

oh AND if that wasn’t enough, his lame-ass response to my txgiv invite! “i’m not sure, i’ll have to check my schedule” says the man who was not too long ago complaining of spending most holidays in recent memory ALONE. So on the scale of preferred companionship, my house is below being forever alone??? Is that what I’m supposed to take away from that? And then when I said it was at noon, he immediately latches onto that as another reason he can’t—toooo earlyyyyyyyy… like bitch you and I get up at 4:45 and 5am respectively. what the fuck are you talking about. if you don’t want to come, just fucking say so.

so like… everything all together…. i like being in the lab when it’s dark, i like playing high-energy/fun/funny music, I like being in a group of people where i can make jokes and we make each other laugh… but I end up feeling like I’m putting more of myself into a situation than either of them. that they’re not exactly… present with me like i thought. probably fucking each other actually.

i wish i were a more likeable, worthwhile person. i really thought he was funny and smart and that we had stuff in common, even if he was kind of a dick sometimes. i thought we could be friends, but it doesn’t seem like he cares enough to be honest with me or like… see me, or be interested in me as a person.

which is like… my immediate desire is to withdraw. if you’re not going to put in effort, then i feel hurt and don’t want to put in effort either. but if i don’t put in effort… i feel like it’s so much more visible, for some reason. i struggle to find a happy medium. i don’t know what it looks like. once i’ve injected all this personality into our interactions, i don’t know how to take it out. and being chatty with coworkers is so much easier than doing my own work.

what sounds nice is like… getting there early enough tmrw morning that i can be the one on counting. ugh fuck am i opening? is the manager there?? yes, and no. so yeah getting there early will give me a chance to center myself in the space and also mentally.

i used to write so…. romantically. and i really can’t take myself seriously like that anymore. it’s kinda wild. i can’t even imbue a fuckin dictionary with significance, these days, let alone my own life. (eyyyyyyyyy gottem)

now 1 hour left. r said he’s taking care of morning oats, so that’s good.

i bought 4 each of white and black mesh sport shirts from costco. i want to make one into a wrap crop top, one with some like… patches or embroidery on it, one with parts cut out near the collar to give it a “strappy” asymmetrical look

probably time to switch gears. god we ate starting at like 7 and i still feel undigested whyyy

oh shit food and like. groceries.

i spent all this time writing about it, but i’m still excited/nervous/something to see him tomorrow. when ya gonna get that there’s nothing for you there bro :/

p.s. on a much better note, r and i were cooking and cleaning in the kitchen, and nick cave was playing. O Children came on and we both like. turned to each other at the same time to slow dance in the kitchen and make out and stuff. and turned out the lights and kept dancing. it was pretty perfect.

oh you KNOW as soon as I start actually typing that’s when R’s gonna get back home from his walk.

typing on a new keyboard woop woop it feels rly nice and is also very cute

on my day off this week, most of my day was spent doing back-end updates for this bitch and like. making trouble and then having to fix it.

ooo low ipad angle + keyboard case = much better viewing angle

i’m writing in here specifically because of work crush. ahhh yes there the fuck is r. please go be elsewhere.

my syncope is back in a big way. lots of dizziness and even a few minutes of chest pain this morning. it’s so fucked up to wake up dizzy. not even opening your eyes yet but just coming to and you’re dizzy lying down as (otherwise) comfortable as can be

and that was it for last night lol

bluh. my stomach has Not been great this last week. I need to try to get better sleep, probably, since that helped a fair amount on vacation. that, and like… actually sticking to some kind of heartburn-friendly diet for more than one meal at a time. funny how just oatmeal by itself isn’t enough ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

re: title. i seem to have suddenly developed a crush on a new coworker. as a result, i’ve spent a fair amount of time listening to my music from 2017, which was infused with extra horniness on account of starting the relationship w r. i’ve thought about telling r a little bit, but haven’t yet.

that’s… part of why i’m writing this here. i have an extremely cute physical journal. i’m fucking proud of the color coordination i managed w the stickers. it looks great and honestly makes me want to write in it more. i’d never used a hardback ~*fancy*~ notebook before, and this is like… way more usable and nice than i was expecting. but as unreasonable as it might be, i still imagine r somehow stumbling across it in my paper journal. i think i mostly kind of sort of trust him not to snoop, but like. not quite. and it’s not like posting this on the internet is safer; he could still find this. but he’d have to go looking more for this.

well. as soon as i sat down in bed under one blanket, regardless of the caravan palace blasting from my (mostly functional–maybe more on that later) speakers, i got sleepy as fuuuuuuuuuuuck. but! up until now. before that. i just want to kiss him. my thoughts circle back to improbable scenes of how to get it to come up. i don’t even know him that well, and it feels like…. mostly physical and casual. i enjoy laughing w him. he’s got fun, relatable energy. but i worry that’s like my ex k, who was also a pale lanky martial arts-doin’ guy and who i also thought had fun energy at first and then he turned out to be emotionally immature and blah.

also, i’m not sure i trust him to keep the secret when he leaves this workplace. he has some (super understandable & valid) harsh perspectives on work and labor and bosses. and it seems like i’m kind of on the receiving end of that, or at least have been previously.

but dang, i just want to have fun. the excitement of crossing a new threshold. also he has a nice voice. also also since r got back from visiting his sister at her new place, i just feel kinda slightly less excited about being around him. it’s not a complete rejection, just, you know. a relative lack of excitement. less interest in trying to make the current dynamic work. if you don’t like how hard it is to sleep together in the same bed, fuckin say so and i will leave. or work on leaving. rentals kinda suck rn. but this attitude that it’s ok to snip at me for something i’ve done literally everything i can to accommodate…? i get 5 hrs of sleep pretty often and you don’t hear me treating you like that. nor would you stand for it.

if he and i would talk more openly about our desires, sex life etc, then i’d maybe be more excited to work on stuff. but he doesn’t really… we don’t really… there were intentions once but he didn’t follow through and neither did i, really. i feel like he is unwilling to take intimacy seriously and will get bored with the prompts etc i come up with to have a discussion, so i would hope for him to lead so he won’t tune out 5 seconds into it. i would still need to prep for it, though.

i was super sleepy when i started writing this. now less sleepy but could still probably take a good nap if i actually got under the covers and put on an asmr video. now THAT would be a good way to ensure r stumbles across it. fall asleep w screen open.

the more i think about it, the less overwhelmingly horny i feel about it. that’s good. not like i was gonna do anything remotely risky at work.

too bad i didn’t do anything this weekend.

---

now it’s 10:40 pm. i have my scrubs picked out. i put out overnight oats. i have an idea for lunch (rice ramen noods, two soft-boiled eggs, green onion chopped, a scoop of better than bouillon, garlic powder, ginger powder, maybe a lil cayenne, splash of soy + worcestershire? mm. that sounds good flavor-wise as well as not-paying-for-lunch-and-crossing-the-street-to-pick-it-up good.

i haven’t done any of my project ideas for this weekend… at least i picked up the rainbow unicorn skull… i was gonna add mesh inserts to the odesza crop long sleeve, and i kept having hankerings to mess around on guitar… oh, and learning dance moves. dang.

i feel really behind at life. there’s some stuff i can practice myself but a lot of things are better in a group setting, especially for being taught something rather than just all practicing together on the same level.

being out walking w housemates today felt nice and i wished i was out walking with myself so i could listen to horny kissing music and think about it. but like… somehow by myself i’m able to turn it into an insurmountable obligation. all my goals, hobbies, interests feel like that. i turn them into an impossible chore, and get worse and less interesting and more behind.

what sounds good and semi-doable rn is like… talking to r about relationship things. i could benefit from like. us being aware together and talking about things on the same level. i could use some intimacy like that. by which i mean, it would help me feel closer to r and less like i was having a bunch of feelings that have nothing to do w him and will never make a difference to him.

what would i say: could i interest you in talking about something tonight? it’s not urgent, just like… thinking about it. polyamory stuff, specifically. and sex. kind of a large vague blob of connected things that i’m interested in discussing with you.

• i’ve been wondering about what it would look like if we opened up our relationship more. right now it’s on my mind because i’m kinda attracted to someone at work, but i’ve also been wondering because there’s been at least three times this summer where you made jokes/lighthearted comments about us having a girlfriend or being somehow involved with another woman. like… is that something you’re thinking about, even a little?
• non-polyam follow-up: if you’ve been thinking about it in the way that your comments allude to, like, specifically it’s always a sexual relationship…. how does that fit in to our current low-level sex life? are you imagining being with other women because you’re not interested in me? or, rather, rephrased: how does the frequency of imagining sex w/other people compare to your interest in sex w/me? i ask this bc i want to know whether the solution here is opening up the relationship vs pursuing other people independently. like… if you have a sex drive in general and think about other people in general but you never want to share it with me and only proactively include me when it comes to group sex, not just you and me….. that seems like………… you’re not attracted to me…………… which is that thing i’ve asked you about on like a quarterly basis for most of our relationship.
• it’s pretty common when people in m/f relationships talk about opening it up, there’s… an expectation that they’re going to look for another woman together, or that they will both only see women. if polyam is the way we actually hypothetically wanted to go with this… what dynamics are we looking for??
• oop and now he’s in bed next to me, bye

the last few times i’ve tried writing a post, i’ve ended up feeling lightheaded, so now I’m wary that it’s going to happen every time. so i took a benadryl and hopefully that helps. i googled syncope + benadryl and there didn’t seem to be any evidence that benadryl would help syncope–if anything, it seems like it would exacerbate that–so i’m not sure what to make of that. does that mean this is anxiety? or that benadryl helps with heartburn somehow to head off my body’s reaction in another way?

r’s been visiting his folks for a week and a half now. i was with them the first weekend but had to fly back for work ofc. this is the longest i’ve had a room to myself since the covid scare in january. i haven’t…. i cleaned the room a little bit once and haven’t done any personal projects yet. i’m struggling. i’m so lonely and failing to do literally anything that i could imagine being worthwhile.

well. not literally anything. i read Magic for Idiots and Gideon the Ninth. Two novels in three days. I have two more to go through. Maybe it’s unfair if they’re sci-fi. GtN was fucking heartbreaking, actually. I didn’t want her to die. I had just gotten attached, just connected w her character. I don’t even want to continue with the series knowing that she died.

and now i’m blogging while crying over queer eye lmfao

hoping i can pick up some style and design ideas from them tho

they make dark walls work for that teachers’ den, i guess you just need it to be spacious and have some bright white areas. “just”

aaaaand now here’s the sleepy.

not to turn this into a to-do list, but lately i’ve been thinking i should try harder to get into therapy. and also pull out my fabric pile and see if there’s anything I can work on.

everything sux

not everything, but, you know.

i didn’t check b4 entering this post what my most recent update here was, but like. i think it was that i got overwhelmingly dizzy after starting to post here after having two spoonfuls of raspberry buttercream.

i basically had a month from the end of march to the end of april where like, i would just get dizzy and wouldn’t know why. i’ve stopped taking bupropion, i stopped eating sugar and alcohol and spicy things for a while, i stopped taking nsaids for cramps etc, tried hydrating a shit ton and taking b12. started taking omeprazole on my own on a hunch and then had my dose bumped up to 40mg, prescription level. (it’s so much cheaper with a prescription + insurance holy shit)

i have an appt with cardiology that’s *still* a few weeks out just to rule out other causes of chest pain, shortness of breath, and dizziness with sudden onset/no real discernible cause, but the 40mg omeprazole basically made everything better. now if only i could fucking stop doing things that get in its way…. but after a month of fuckin brown rice you bet i’m on my most impulsive food behavior. and all the other stress i have going on doesn’t help w that. maybe i’ll make some cabbage juice here soon and shortcut assist.

so. fuckin…. heartburn. and vasovagal syncope. dizziness/lightheadedness from heartburn isn’t a usual symptom so the doc thinks it’s like, somehow my nerves are getting stimulated/agitated by the heartburn and the syncope is in response to that stimulation, rather than directly caused by the heartburn? idk that’s a terrible explanation on my part, sorry.

let it be known that i actually had a productive weekend. i’m helping one of my (newly official) housemates put on a shadow puppet play that she wrote in 2017. i was chafing at how long rehearsals take, but we’re mostly past those now and just doing the shows, which are much quicker when there’s only 1 per night and the show is 30 minutes long. our second show was pretty tight. it’s like….. an extremely “hippie” kind of play that seems like it might be intended for children maybe? themes of like, nature and humanity reflecting each other, the secret lives of animals. or something.

…. and then i fell asleep and didn’t have time/energy to look at this until a week later. lol bye

woh. i just ate two spoonfuls of raspberry frosting and am like… a little dizzy now. the hell.

i thought i had sort of figured out what was going on with my body, enough to control it, but this…. feels annoying and derailing. did i mention this last time i was on? chest pain, shortness of breath, heart pounding. on and off the last month or so. i literally notice it the most looking at this screen… that’s very helpful. thanks brain.

anyway, this month i learned that heartburn can cause all those fucking symptoms and then some. ffs. i’m sort of managing it. eating super perfectly is hard. i like spicy things and fatty things and sweet things and alcohol, and i don’t eat bland gentle carbs when i have the choice. still not convinced that this sudden sugar rush is directly related to that anyway but uuuuugghhhhhh

that health bs has taken up most of my month, btw. i barely had time for anything else when i was feeling fatigued most of the time and like, foolishly going to the doctor like they were actually going to be able to pinpoint something instead of just telling me “it’s not a heart attack, you’re young and healthy, so go fuck yourself to the tune of $1000 in labs and tests!” at least this’ll help with my deductible probably maybe.

r bought me a watch to help monitor heart rate bc he was worried. it was sweet.

we were going to go have a 3-day vacation weekend somewhere this weekend but all the nice airbnbs are booked up, so. oh well. chronically late planners’ consequence.

i’m starting to think about what it would be like to have a different job. i really like my benefits here, but we’re understaffed in ways that are stressing me tf out.

huh. still dizzyish.

---

it’s the next day now. i am still dizzy and called out sick bc of it. looking for new pcps and sent a message request for an office visit. could be diabeetus???? i don’t know where else all the excessive pee might come from. Trying to at least take b12 about it.

i’m trying to think past the dizziness since it seems to not be getting better or worse with all the things i’ve tried, and imagining what i might enjoy doing w my time… r suggested epley maneuvers for vertigo, he told me the backyard is free if i wanted to go outside… all i want is to sleep.

maybe i’ll update my address on some shit and then use that one service to test if it went through.

whoops, another 3 months gone by.

i’m typing from the “art zone” at… technically my house now. I’m moving out of the house i shared w/ m, b&t, and my sibling. j & i hung up a bunch of my string lights downstairs, r donated an old desk now that he has a fancy standing one, and I brought my desk chair and computer speakers from my old room. now there’s another space that’s clean and usable most of the time that isn’t the hotly sought solarium, so ppl who aren’t students with urgent needs actually have a real place to go that isn’t a couch or a chair in a busy kitchen.

it’s had a few downsides, though. our housemate, sg, a newbie to the house this last september and a law student, and one of the biggest solarium campers, came back recently from his gf’s house where he’d been staying for about 2 months. and after the work that multiple ppl had put in, after 4+ ppl had all discussed what they wanted out of improving the space and then executed that, he comes back and is like “oh look at this space that’s newly cleaned out, looks like a perfect place to strew around some drum kit pieces!” and “oh look at this nice desk chair that wasn’t here before, i sure hope no one specified in person and in the house text thread multiple times already not to fucking take it to the solarium! like… fuck. common space doesn’t secretly mean “take what i want to make myself more comfortable and fuck everyone else.” he’s such a…. player? idk how to say it in non-romo terms, i just mean he’s socially very quick and friendly but insincere and hiding his actual motivations and judgments.

at least he listens to boundaries wrt sharing personal belongings and is nice about it, even if he still wants to have everything nice for himself without putting in any of the fucking effort. that’s what matters, in the end. he’s already announced he doesn’t want to renew his lease this fall, lol.

i’m a little bummed about leaving my house… when i go there, i look at the room I put together full of stuff i like and have slowly curated (is that too douchey a word to use there) over time and am sad to no longer have my own private space that’s well-organized and well-taken care of. r and i are doing our best to make his room fit two adult humans, but it’s required throwing some money at it lol. and he doesn’t have a color palette like i did. also, the house itself was much nicer than this one. ughhhh that kitchen with its enormous granite countertop centerpiece. could’ve been so good for cooking and entertaining, except for the fact that i lived with a bunch of introverted messy dish-phobic stoners in a pandemic.

it’s a small consolation that many of the things i own are the things that helped make that place comfy and cute and put-together. i’ll take them with me and i’ll have a chance to make another place spacious and enjoyable. and in the meantime, i’ll be saving a fuckton on rent and utilities.

i do need to figure out what i owe on the internet and heat bills. there’ll be one last electricity and wsg bill eventually but probably not for another 2 months. and then i need to transfer the heat acct to someone else.

once i get moved out of there fully… that’ll be…. basically the first time in a year that i don’t feel like i’m holding my breath + waiting for something to get out of the way so i can do me. i have done an absolute shit job of furthering any of my goals lately. i sewed a bathrobe belt part of the way (french seams = double the work, but still, it’s just a fucking belt) and the rest of my efforts in my free time have gone towards…. organizing and cleaning various rooms. i’ve barely even been doing makeup, even though i got this new excellent enormous fluffy fan brush that i love playing with.

more money = more donations, more buying music i like, more savings, a chance for therapy and maybe psychiatry (oh yeah… i had what might’ve been an anxiety attack bad enough that i went to the ER and got myself a sweet sweet $900 hospital bill for my trouble, and then when i talked to my gp she was like “i can put you on a different antidepressant that doesn’t exacerbate anxiety like yours does” like uhh…. i’ve had these kind of symptoms BEFORE i ever took wellbutrin and you brushed them aside then too, you just treat everyone like drug seeking addicts in your particular medical… system? company? physician network???? and i’m not looking for general ongoing anxiety reduction, i just sometimes get fucking chest pains and it might be nice to have something to take that rules out anxiety BEFORE I have to go spend $900 at the stupid ER. You know, acute vs chronic symptoms. Fuck you. )

i also got some new scrubs today so that my only black pair isn’t gonna be covered in bleach stains right at crotch level lmao. this last week i’ve been on a kick of actually sort of giving a shit about my appearance at work and at home, like, being aware that ppl think i’m default not cute just by existing now that i’m like 50 lbs heavier than i used to be. or at least that’s what i assume the deal is. never put in much effort before, either. and my grasp of how to be cute and put together clothes i like in a way that looks appealing and aesthetic kind of… comes and goes. it’s wild how much thought and attention i can spend on that without really having a system or more consistent success. but yeah, i would like it if people default treated me better and like i’m more worthwhile, and if putting effort into being cute is the way to do that, then double bonus. so pretty soon here my scrub wardrobe should be less bleached goodwill chic.

one of the room things r & i tried to improve recently was the bed. the old mattress + box spring were sagging hard in the middle; it was time. We ended up going w/ a casper mattress, the original, when we were able to get a decent discount on it. neither of us were sleeping well the first few nights, then we put r’s old 3″ foam topper from the previous setup on the bed. now he sleeps better and i don’t wake up w/arm or back pain/numbness, but i still… don’t feel rested. i wake up tired and feeling unfinished w/unconsciousness no matter how much i sleep. what i can’t figure out is whether this is actually 100% the bed setup, or if i happen to also be getting slammed with a bout of depression lately. is the lack of quality sleep causing me to feel pointless and worthless and unable to try doing old hobbies bc they seem too effortful to hold any joy? or is the ‘pression sneaking up on me causing my excessive, poor sleep, thus exacerbating other symptoms?

being w r makes me feel better, though. that’s one thing that’s really… been better lately. i feel more secure in our relationship a lot of the time, and it’s easy, and i like him, and he still seems chill with me somehow even when i’m useless and shitty and eating garbage snax.

oh shoot, i need to set up a mail redirect soon.

but yeah. he… has made a point of saying nice things to me A Lot in the last few months. It…. may or may not have coincided with his most recent attempt to stop taking Adderall completely. He’s been so affectionate and also like… slightly more sexually available lol. That’s not as much a crucial point as it might’ve felt half a year, a year ago. Just feeling secure with him is the most important thing, it turns out, i guess. or an increase in the combination of the two maybe, w/e. i hope…. i hope everything turns out. i hope we can figure out a mutually enjoyable solution to the whole children thing. i hope i can be enough of a worthwhile person to keep around. i hope i can be a thoughtful, proactive partner. he does appreciate when other ppl make him food, so if i can try to plan ahead on that… i do kinda need to go to costco tomorrow or something.

as for m…. i’m kind of over it. i’ve seen her treat people pretty damn bad this year and i’m just not interested in her life after seeing the consistent awfulness. we were sort of talking recently but i found it weirdly easy to like… not reply much. which is not my usual style, i struggle with brevity, as you can fucking tell lmao. but to her, right now, to the things she’s choosing to say… there’s just not much. glad you’re keeping up with all your dudely relationships and whichever most recent people haven’t demanded anything of you. glad you’re enjoying some electronics and networking projects. it doesn’t really intrigue or excite me when you’re being shitty to other people and refusing to communicate with me about the things you, hmm, *say* make you sad, and only say to other people, about me. manipulative. Lazy. Unfriendly. I’m tired and bored of the power play maze. Sure, I miss my best friend from way back when. Haven’t heard from her in years. She’s around but literally never asks after me, even when we’re in the same room. Sharing stuff with you has been hazardous for a long fucking time, even if it still feels like it *could* be good. I think if I put myself out there, I could probably do better.

it’s a big “if” tho lmao

i think…. ugh, i don’t know. needing to keep up with my physical therapy exercises throws a wrench in the intention to just go home after work and pack until 9pm. i do need to do certain things to take care of my body but finding the time is always hard, always inconvenient. the more pt I do and the more i get better enough that it takes less time, the more exercises he piles on. i average an hour and a half per session. it’s frustrating as fuck bc it makes me not want to do it, even though i know it’ll make my problematic bones behave better. some of the exercises could be done in r’s room, aside from how dirty the floor gets. the resistance band + a brace of some sort is really only necessary on what, 4 of the sets of exercises (which usually have r + l each so it’s more like 7 sets)? it would be cool if i could figure out how to break up the exercises so it goes by quicker and is less of a strug to access d/t living room scheduling conflicts. it would be maybe 45 min each night, or like, a half an hour one night, an hour the next? resistance band exercises are the tough ones that take longer. although i might want to do certain cooldowns both nights.

ooh, i should also be looking for a tv cart.

i think i’m ready to leave the art zone and go do some light online shopping and organizing for tmrw. maybe even have some screen off time before bed if i’m super cool. how ~aspirational~