this site was probably down for a whole week without me remembering to reboot
shit’s been hectic. m and i are getting an apartment by the waterfront. i’ve done terribly at morning runs. the weather is finally rainy sometimes like normal for this side of the state in june. it sounds like m + everyone’s employer just keeps getting shittier. i cut my hair by myself again. even though we’ve been with…. uh. he probably needs a nickname, huh. how about “mr. dude guy” ok we’ve been with mr. dude guy like idk, once or twice since everything with addiction and cheating.. i haven’t really been that interested in being with her alone. i want to fuck, but not… her, not without talking about some shit that i don’t even know whether it’s constructive to talk about rn/yet/ever/honestly.
*glancing around the room while slowly typing this, happens to notice part of a condom wrapper on the ground between the desk and foot of the bed* yup. cool.
a lot of adult shit is piling up. this month is kinda going to be crunch time. paying this damn first month’s deposit (in progress), first car payment/all the necessary autopay setup (later in the month), auto insurance payment (slightly less late in the month), the usual bills. going to have to tell our ISP we’re moving at some point. double the laundry because i’ve been super slacking/no time or energy on the weekends (and thanks to the hot weather and a few threesomes, the sheets could REALLY use a wash). no time or energy ever, really… i’ve gone flat again, where i can tell i’m a shitty dull person who takes more than i give, who isn’t fun to be around, who doesn’t care and doesn’t try
i keep accidentally doing double line breaks and having to backspace
i wonder if i’ll actually have more space to myself there or if it’ll be her stuff spread out over a larger area. hah. she’s already taking it personally, you know. the possibility that i might sometimes want my own space–and have access to it–terrifies her, and she turns it into a never-ending extreme. nothing ever really changes, does it. she’s always going to find a way to make me and my feelings and decisions about her. i’m always going to be…. a meaningless useless sack of shit. i wish i’d do something about it. i wish i’d do anything, but what i’m doing is wishing. that’s me, that’s the action i amount to.
i kinda remember back when i first got my apartment in the city, early enough that i didn’t have internet yet and had to go to coffee shops to talk to m and do anything. it was a whole week of warm august nights, and what stands out now is the feeling of… riding a bunch of stressors while still doing things. it didn’t prevent me from doing the things, or i didn’t let myself get so distracted by them… i wish every job out of college were that good. comparing then to now, it seems like the obvious advice for myself is to stay engaged instead of getting ahead of what i’m doing. waiting for the next paycheck, to be done being in debt, to get a raise, to feel secure with x or z person. for things to happen to me, basically.
i’m probably feeling empty because my life is actually empty, is what i’m saying.