Knock on wood, but my hosting service must’ve rolled out some kind of awesome/relevant update, cause the site hasn’t gone down in over a month now! Congratulations to me :33333
If I want to get up and run in the morning (I do–even if it’s just a mile) I don’t have much time… I want to try to write while I have time to myself, since M’s asleep.
All moved into the new place, just unpacking and organizing now. We’ll see if any of the old deposit comes back to us (it was only $200, so chances are slim)… not sure if they’ll automatically deduct the cost of painting the apt or only do it if necessary, but the deck is kinda fucked up looking in two places (completely stripped of its stain in order to remove the resin) and the places where we put spackle to fill small nail holes are actually super visible. Oven door leans out a bit on one side, even if it still closes. The new drip pan I bought doesn’t fit perfectly in the range top. Didn’t clean the window screens at all. Hall closet doors are not in the bottom tracks. Idt either of us took pictures/video of the end result as proof… as if that would count as proof if it became necessary, I don’t know.
relationships. bpd, or whatever this is. maybe it’s something more like ptsd, even though a lot of cluster B shit makes sense to me. I vacillate closer and closer to seeing myself as a liar and interloper in the bpd community on tumblr these days. so full of shit and lying to myself and being a try-hard because I want to belong somewhere, to make sense as part of something. that seems to be defining, that i don’t really fit anywhere, not enough, not really. I thought I had it figured out for a while, here, but… I’m just not severe enough. I can’t relate enough to the personal posts that other people w/bpd make on tumblr. my emotions have been way too fucking mild and flat these days, for sure. part of me hopes that it’s just part of moving and not having space, but eh, it’s probably just part of depression or some shit.
I’ve been a dick to M a lot lately. Not very loving or appreciative. Given how she talks about not having enough phoenix shrine space, I don’t exactly feel comfortable being vulnerable with her… but I could at least try to consider my words and actions differently before throwing them at her. I’m no prize, even if she can’t see it. and yet I stonewall her, refuse to communicate, choose not to be vulnerable or intimate… feel cold, feel contempt, dislike…
Last night, I remember having this moment of recontextualizing. Remembering how it felt to open up to her, to have found someone I could share everything with. Remembering that she is that person. I felt immediately more excited and loving. Maybe there’s just shit I need to work on integrating. Maybe without constantly thinking about everything/writing it down, it’s impossible for me to remember lmao
so tired. at least my day to stay late is over, even if ughhhhhhh busy season is picking up again and I need to be there early. fuck running i guess