M’s taking a nap. The couch is all mine. Goddammit. Figures that I’d finally have all this space when I don’t have any Feelings readily available to let out. I guess it is just nice to be able to stretch out, to not feel watched, or like everything she does is currently being predicated on what I do. It’s still space, even if I’m not immediately using it. I just wish I had this kind of space when I would use it.
I smell like fast food lmao
I’ve got a decent-sized crush on this guy at work whose name I don’t even know. He’s got ridiculous scene hair and one time he complimented me on my use of rubber bands to keep my phone on my arm when I didn’t have pockets? Idk. I just think he’s got a nice mouth.
Something I should talk about is how shitty I’ve been to Melissa lately. I’ve been distant, felt vaguely angry as a result of wanting more space in general and not feeling like I can get it… feeling like she’s unreachable because she’s been so childlike/cutesy/patterned in her speaking, which generally happens when she’s scared and tired and low-energy, which leads to her following me around thoughtlessly bc it saves energy + she finds me comforting (for some fucking reason)… I don’t mind, right up until I do. And then I start acting mean because I suck at communication, like she’s supposed to infer “if you don’t like this short-term behavior then you should leave/not tolerate staying around it/etc” from my wordless passive aggression (or sometimes just regular aggression/hostility). Like. She has plenty of history taking the blame on herself, assuming it’s her fault. I don’t know why I continue to assume that this is a healthy or useful way to get distance. I guess I probably do it bc it’s easier… because I don’t actually care.
Tired and cold and enjoying hustle cat. I should be getting ready…