Month: October 2016

m’guts.

sleeping in my own bed again~ please please please can I wake up when my first alarm goes off please

.. everything I want to write is just me demanding more of myself. which, like, I want to do, but haven’t had a great record of success just making demands and trying to plan. tonight I let myself dick around and failed to make a single thing. it was mildly novel and even enjoyable, pleasant at times, but … i don’t know. i don’t know how i could have better spent my time, only that when i see myself in the mirror, i’m unhappy. today was another day of daydreaming about self-improvement possibilities–this time, I thought about volunteering at a food bank or some shit, spending my time around other people, just fucking showing up and doing something that loosely connects to some kind of “community” of people who live around here and give a shit. or maybe they don’t, who knows? maybe i would go to a food bank and find only a gaggle of pre-meds trying to fill a prereq, or something.

anyway i’m fat and ugly and don’t know shit and have no friends and getting out my scalpel sounds really fucking tempting tonight. if someone happened to notice blood through my clothes tomorrow, at least it would be fucking interesting. right up until some shitbag nt str8 boy called me ps*cho or whatever term they want to stand in for “i have no grasp whatsoever of the variety of mental illnesses and developmental disabilities that can have particular symptoms, and love dismissing people I know as abstracted stereotypes!”

why am i bothering attempting to talk

why am i here

i am not worth existing

P.S. yeah, i should definitely try to find a doctor and get on some fucking wellbutrin.

what is this, three days in a row of posting? it’s easier when i can make a post right before falling asleep. it feels nice, even if the rest of my days don’t.

work is the usual blah. i’m having to make my own work to do even when my brain is screaming that i’d rather be anywhere else, getting to choose my own shit to do while there’s time and daylight. of course, we know if i had that time and daylight to myself i’d probably just sleep in and jerk it, and then take a really long shower and oops it’s already the end of a would-be work day. I’m totally doing the thing where I feel restless and shitty so I’m starting some new projects, which feels like attempts at being a Real Person, but I don’t have ANY follow-through. So dishes are piling up, there’s dirt on the floor, I’m overloading firefox with tabs about robotics as I fall into a rabbit hole I don’t know if I’ll even remember, I add “should”s to wunderlist that i intend for the same day but never get around to because I don’t “feel like it”. I can’t tell where the line is between not feeling like it bc chores suck, and not feeling like it bc i have no energy or interest in losing my evening to mere subsistence tasks. And the longer I leave hobbies and interests alone, the more particular steps feel like things I should’ve already completed, therefore making them not “real” progress if I manage to do them after a while, and falling into the “subsistence” pile.

and if i go to bed rn i’m only getting 6.5 hours, and my lower back/butt hurts from sleeping in this bed and possibly specifically from falling asleep with my laptop last night.

I want to be better at musical exploration because I remember enjoying music more than this. It seems like most things I encounter these days are easy listening, you know, enjoyable and talented and fresh but not with any sharp edges that catch me. It’s time-consuming and breeds impatience, though. (more subsistence/hobby tasks hidden in this one)

I want to know more about world history and politics because I want to be able to talk about it more in-depth and understand current events more in-depth than I currently do. Like, I keep up on the news (somehow) but am terrible at supporting my positions on the spot, instead tending to blank out and/or immediately see the other person’s perspective and quickly agree in a panic-fueled rush of trying to keep the convo going.

I… want to go to bed instead of attempting to lay out all of my motivations for myself, because sleep is currently more important than some long-term bullshit. maybe if I WAKE UP ON TIME I can think about it more and also not be late out the door! Fuck.

first, yeah. I didn’t go running this afternoon because, on the way home from the grocery store, there was a guy in a black Honda sedan behind me, maybe slightly older/dirtier/more beat-up looking than the one driven by the dude who followed me around that other time, but he was like….. signing? or gesturing? while driving, and I couldn’t see anyone else in the car with him. He formed an ‘o’ with one or both of his hands and put it up to one eye, so it was like a telescope or something, and then made an almost windshield-wiper-like gesture with both hands–one hand flat/horizontal, the other rotating up and down repeatedly. Then he turned off and I had to pay attention to other things… but yeah, for a reasonable amount of dissimilarity between the two people in appearance and car specs, I was still kinda rattled. I felt restless right up until m and I lost ourselves in a round of Don’t Starve Together.

which, speaking of, we played until 9:30. kind of a total waste of a night when I spend my days imagining how I could learn about ukulele and robots and languages and take the bus to downtown on my nights, but … it was good to drown my anxiety with. (some tennessee honey and a cucumber sour helped with the drowning.)

echolalia of the night (-lia): uranodioning. uranodioning. uranodioning. uranodioning.

i know in my last post, i complained that sleeping with m affects the quality of my dreams. well, last night proved that i might be kinda … suffering from confirmation bias on that one. i dreamed that richard and i were in a competition to be the first one to find a logo in the logo room. oddly, the logo room and the entirety of work felt like they were inside a school building, like, a mashup of my elementary school and high school. but i never actually explored outside this room so idk why i think that. there was a definite high school feel to the room, though. there were people judging the competition and giving hints to us who i’d never met before anywhere, but still gave off a distinctive “upperclassman-ier than thou” vibe reminding me of how it felt to be a sophomore, looking up to the cool indie kids a few grades ahead of me. anyway, they were there off to the side, judging and making sure we followed the rules. one such rule was that the floor is lava–don’t touch. we had to improvise and use empty logo boxes to throw down as stepping stones, but it was slow and felt limited somehow or like i wasn’t sure i would get away with it. i also remember just barely managing to balance on one foot at a point when I had no boxes to put down, and hearing the judges deliberate over whether that was okay.

I remember receiving two clues: one was a logo that I don’t remember at all, and the other was a pack of cheese slices that we somehow knew was *printed* with the clue, not *containing* or *being* the clue. i wonder how wrong i might be about that “knowledge” of the dream. anyway, neither clue helped either of us figure out where the logo we’re supposed to be finding is, so we run out of time. they decide the winner by who’s in closest proximity to the goal logo. it’s richard. i lose, and the penalty for losing is execution.

it gets hazy here, but i escaped somehow because there was a convention near or in the school building. i sneaked into the con where i could blend in with lots and lots of people, and i got away. next thing i remember, i’m walking down dark, construction-spotted city streets that look like a mashup of the road just north of my old apartment, and Broadway. It gets hazy again but I think i met a girl and some people and just kind of talked and walked at this point. it never felt particularly dangerous or scary tbh but even so, this part was nonchalant.

melissa and i made zuppa toscana last night and it turned out pretty all right. i used whole milk instead of cream and it was less overwhelmingly rich. mm, leftovers for daayyyyss. google music came up with a pretty decent instant mix for Rodrigo Y Gabriela’s cover of Orion, lots of 2007-y artists, and good drunk cooking was had.

i’m really bad at letting myself have feelings for melissa. i can literally feel my brain tamping down the lust sometimes, the attraction i can feel, and i don’t know how to ask why. Not to sound super clinical, but we’ve been kissing more lately.

coke relationship thoughts – i hope she really is moving on, hope she filters him instead of feeling lonely and desperate after years. oh look here’s where i fell asleep on the keyboard last night bye

Sleeping alone makes me dream like I want to dream. I don’t know if I can remember any of it now, but I remember it was full-length, and plenty absurd, with lots of people and talking and plot. M was there. Cute work dude was there. There was… a game? There was water. But no, I think that was my more recent dream, after I briefly woke up. The one I want to remember was before I woke up that time. … eh, it’s hopeless trying to remember in here.

I need to go get my flu vaccine today before the storm sets in (more than it has). I wonder if Melissa is scared and upset today or if she’s just chilling. I wonder if I can avoid feeling expectations that she may or may not actually have of me, and therefore avoid the resentment that comes with the pressure of those high expectations.

why I always gotta get on here with a lot of thoughts and feelings when I’m probably gonna fall asleep in 5 minutes

so like the day after the last post I wrote, I had one (1) day of feeling somewhere close to how I should feel for Melissa. It felt real. It felt normal. Apparently I didn’t write about it here (thought I had, but maybe it was somewhere else). Important thing to document… I can’t remember the last time I felt like that and there’s no reason I can discern why I happened to be capable on that particular day. I’ve decided to frame it like I got a shipment of feels and used them all up in one go, and now I’m out until the next delivery. whiiiiiiich looking at my past could be a while.

this week sucked, tbh. Literally every day I didn’t want to go to work, I felt useless and unwanted, and I felt fat and ugly in my skin and clothes. oh, and my uterus was doing its thing, which always makes life easier. But then every time I was like “yeah I want to eat differently” I’ve followed up that expression of desire and goal-setting with “oh, just this once” and bullshit I can’t remember bc here come the tireds

the other thing I wanted to mention, if my brain will just hang on a few minutes… is tonight. I didn’t go to Austin’s housewarming party. I wanted space. I wanted to be productive. Weeelllllllllllll, I drove for an hour in the shitty weather to get M there, then wasted hours on tumblr + drinking warmed cider, then more tumblr, then finally some laundry folding. So at least that’s more or less done, going into the weekend days. But UGH it’s so frustrating to not use my time effectively! A scant few hours without her reading over my shoulder or inspecting the books I bought recently without actually engaging me in conversation about them or tiptoeing around me somehow… I no longer have the brains for this.

by which I mean 2000late

for a few solid days now I’ve been feeling… not enough. For Melissa, specifically. Enough not-enough that I’m questioning (in a very low-key, just checking in with myself kind of way) whether I love her or if I fell out of love, whether I should be in this relationship or not, if it really is just about space.

Same damn pattern with which I tore myself up with my previous ex, except… I don’t think I was ever in love with him. This shit is made 100% wonkier and harder to understand d/t my trauma. To what do I attribute my lack of feelings? And how do I move forward, with or without an explanation? The lack of feelings is real and I can’t, won’t deny it. How do I not get trapped? I’m trying (…. eh….. starting to try?) to act less on it when I feel that shitty contempt and desire to hurt her to try to push her away. I… think our relationship is worth saving, I remember feeling like she and I were an unstoppable team. But now it’s all ‘braird’s and her bitching to me about work. And drinking. And baby talk. And me holding onto everything that’s ever happened to me and refusing to let go. (aka not knowing how to do otherwise). Just… when did it get to the point of needing to be “saved” by any definition? How do I unravel all my shitty power hangups? Were they secretly there from the beginning?

Well, here’s something: last night one of my mutuals on tumblr messaged me to say they were re-following and weren’t sure how they’d unfollowed in the first place. I… was completely bad at knowing what to say, but M had some good suggestions that actually incorporated me as a real person in the scripts for each carefully deliberated message.

I bought like $100 worth of books online tonight. Quite a mixed bag, should be entertaining and informative, and/or look good on my bookshelf. so tired…

Yesterday I did another tarot reading, this time about problem-solving wrt how I spend (waste) the weekends, and got dragged again. I’ll have to make a graphic when I have the time and energy… today I was going to sort papers, but I didn’t even do that. I watched Leverage and helped M make dinner for about 2 minutes on 2 separate occasions. It’s not even that big or daunting a stack… i don’t know. At least I was able to close one tab in Chrome, as a result.

my tits hurt and my uterus hurts. what the fuck happened to those at-home blood-vacuuming parties, maaaaaaaaan let’s just get this over with

tomorrow, yeah. I’ll accomplish everything I need AND want, tomorrow, right after I sleep for as long as I want.

slept in my own bed last night. that was nice. went for a longer (hah) run this morning, also nice. things still awkward and full of avoidant fear w/M… less nice. I get that it’s at least partly if not fully on me that knowing she’s acting afraid of me makes me feel angry, i just… gah. When she tiptoes around me and only does stuff when i’m in the shower or out on a run, i feel helpless + powerless. I’m afraid she’s going to use that time against me somehow, maybe by going through my things or data.

(although, as she was happy to remind me once when i expressed discomfort with how she was using that whatever radio antenna to check out nearby planes, if she wanted to fuck with my electronics, she could do that anytime. and to some extent, she does–checking network + fileserver traffic through her router, knowing things about what I’m doing and probably only sometimes mentioning it back to me.)

given that fear, I then feel like it’s my responsibility to protect myself from the potential for her to do that, and because I want very much to do things for myself like running and showering, where I am turning my back on her for a decent chunk of time, I feel frustrated that I can’t protect myself without also hurting myself. And because I feel like I can’t ask her to change what she’s doing without also taking away a coping mechanism she probably learned from being around her parents, it only really surfaces as an issue right after she’s done the thing. And then I’m angry and feel helpless and want to lash out.

Like. I should be happy that she’s taken the trash out, and made food for herself, or at least glad or relieved or something… but because she’s obviously creeping around me to do it, I just feel angry and critical.

mm. that’s better.

–

my dreams last night were… aight. i don’t remember feeling much in them except maybe nervousness and disappointment. I remember there was sports junk involved. Basketball? There was a local basketball team called, like, Highline or something. Their colors were white with a pale minty teal + purple for accents. My family and I had jerseys, for some reason. We were in the youth group basement. at one point, at least. Or maybe in an office. Maybe the youth group basement was an office. . . ? And there were newspapers! Newspapers in like every part of my dream. The Highline basketball team was on one of them… I wish I remembered more. I was too worried that if I didn’t make myself go on a run first thing, it would never happen (probably accurate).

it’s so cold and i am so boring

today was…. a lot. i probably won’t get through most of it.

Woke up at 7:30 to get M to her DOL test thing. Was immediately grouchy at both of us not knowing where to turn in, causing me to have to find a place to turn around. came back and was grouchy that m needed help knowing how to cook eggs in the pan–well, no, it was less that she needed help and more that she was also complaining to me about it while she did it in this particular way that’s like an excuse disguised as a complaint, like. I don’t care! I wasn’t gonna judge you for not knowing this shit, and I feel irritated when you then bring this shit to me + lay it at my feet like it has something to do with me. I cannot handle being the emotional support and the didactic teacher or guardian at the same time, honestly.

Then we had to go back out for more DOL shit, and due to a wait time that she and I should have expected (but didn’t because she didn’t do ANY research beyond cursory location info before bothering me to go anywhere and because I’m thoughtless and didn’t remember that would be worth checking) I went home before she did, but without my damn house keys. So… I hung out in the rain for 20-30 minutes, dressed in my garbage pajamas. Yay.

Since then, it’s been a mildly fraught household. The usual tiptoeing and tea-drinking and avoidance/shrinking away. Just gotta try to give her the chance to be a “big girl,” as she tries to improve on things.

I went shopping for roasted veggie ingredients, so that was nice.

yep already falling asleep and i haven’t even gotten to the list yet

the list

of things i want to do tomorrow but probably mostly won’t get to

• run
• laundry
• take rest of pics for TCE
• organize stack of papers on/under my desk

kbai before i fall asleep