slept in my own bed last night. that was nice. went for a longer (hah) run this morning, also nice. things still awkward and full of avoidant fear w/M… less nice. I get that it’s at least partly if not fully on me that knowing she’s acting afraid of me makes me feel angry, i just… gah. When she tiptoes around me and only does stuff when i’m in the shower or out on a run, i feel helpless + powerless. I’m afraid she’s going to use that time against me somehow, maybe by going through my things or data.
(although, as she was happy to remind me once when i expressed discomfort with how she was using that whatever radio antenna to check out nearby planes, if she wanted to fuck with my electronics, she could do that anytime. and to some extent, she does–checking network + fileserver traffic through her router, knowing things about what I’m doing and probably only sometimes mentioning it back to me.)
given that fear, I then feel like it’s my responsibility to protect myself from the potential for her to do that, and because I want very much to do things for myself like running and showering, where I am turning my back on her for a decent chunk of time, I feel frustrated that I can’t protect myself without also hurting myself. And because I feel like I can’t ask her to change what she’s doing without also taking away a coping mechanism she probably learned from being around her parents, it only really surfaces as an issue right after she’s done the thing. And then I’m angry and feel helpless and want to lash out.
Like. I should be happy that she’s taken the trash out, and made food for herself, or at least glad or relieved or something… but because she’s obviously creeping around me to do it, I just feel angry and critical.
mm. that’s better.
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my dreams last night were… aight. i don’t remember feeling much in them except maybe nervousness and disappointment. I remember there was sports junk involved. Basketball? There was a local basketball team called, like, Highline or something. Their colors were white with a pale minty teal + purple for accents. My family and I had jerseys, for some reason. We were in the youth group basement. at one point, at least. Or maybe in an office. Maybe the youth group basement was an office. . . ? And there were newspapers! Newspapers in like every part of my dream. The Highline basketball team was on one of them… I wish I remembered more. I was too worried that if I didn’t make myself go on a run first thing, it would never happen (probably accurate).
it’s so cold and i am so boring