by which I mean 2000late
for a few solid days now I’ve been feeling… not enough. For Melissa, specifically. Enough not-enough that I’m questioning (in a very low-key, just checking in with myself kind of way) whether I love her or if I fell out of love, whether I should be in this relationship or not, if it really is just about space.
Same damn pattern with which I tore myself up with my previous ex, except… I don’t think I was ever in love with him. This shit is made 100% wonkier and harder to understand d/t my trauma. To what do I attribute my lack of feelings? And how do I move forward, with or without an explanation? The lack of feelings is real and I can’t, won’t deny it. How do I not get trapped? I’m trying (…. eh….. starting to try?) to act less on it when I feel that shitty contempt and desire to hurt her to try to push her away. I… think our relationship is worth saving, I remember feeling like she and I were an unstoppable team. But now it’s all ‘braird’s and her bitching to me about work. And drinking. And baby talk. And me holding onto everything that’s ever happened to me and refusing to let go. (aka not knowing how to do otherwise). Just… when did it get to the point of needing to be “saved” by any definition? How do I unravel all my shitty power hangups? Were they secretly there from the beginning?
Well, here’s something: last night one of my mutuals on tumblr messaged me to say they were re-following and weren’t sure how they’d unfollowed in the first place. I… was completely bad at knowing what to say, but M had some good suggestions that actually incorporated me as a real person in the scripts for each carefully deliberated message.
I bought like $100 worth of books online tonight. Quite a mixed bag, should be entertaining and informative, and/or look good on my bookshelf. so tired…
Yesterday I did another tarot reading, this time about problem-solving wrt how I spend (waste) the weekends, and got dragged again. I’ll have to make a graphic when I have the time and energy… today I was going to sort papers, but I didn’t even do that. I watched Leverage and helped M make dinner for about 2 minutes on 2 separate occasions. It’s not even that big or daunting a stack… i don’t know. At least I was able to close one tab in Chrome, as a result.
my tits hurt and my uterus hurts. what the fuck happened to those at-home blood-vacuuming parties, maaaaaaaaan let’s just get this over with
tomorrow, yeah. I’ll accomplish everything I need AND want, tomorrow, right after I sleep for as long as I want.