why I always gotta get on here with a lot of thoughts and feelings when I’m probably gonna fall asleep in 5 minutes
so like the day after the last post I wrote, I had one (1) day of feeling somewhere close to how I should feel for Melissa. It felt real. It felt normal. Apparently I didn’t write about it here (thought I had, but maybe it was somewhere else). Important thing to document… I can’t remember the last time I felt like that and there’s no reason I can discern why I happened to be capable on that particular day. I’ve decided to frame it like I got a shipment of feels and used them all up in one go, and now I’m out until the next delivery. whiiiiiiich looking at my past could be a while.
this week sucked, tbh. Literally every day I didn’t want to go to work, I felt useless and unwanted, and I felt fat and ugly in my skin and clothes. oh, and my uterus was doing its thing, which always makes life easier. But then every time I was like “yeah I want to eat differently” I’ve followed up that expression of desire and goal-setting with “oh, just this once” and bullshit I can’t remember bc here come the tireds
the other thing I wanted to mention, if my brain will just hang on a few minutes… is tonight. I didn’t go to Austin’s housewarming party. I wanted space. I wanted to be productive. Weeelllllllllllll, I drove for an hour in the shitty weather to get M there, then wasted hours on tumblr + drinking warmed cider, then more tumblr, then finally some laundry folding. So at least that’s more or less done, going into the weekend days. But UGH it’s so frustrating to not use my time effectively! A scant few hours without her reading over my shoulder or inspecting the books I bought recently without actually engaging me in conversation about them or tiptoeing around me somehow… I no longer have the brains for this.