idk. probably not really.
I already had a piece of pie and half a cupcake… how can I want more halloween candy?????? ugh…. maybe my stomach doesn’t.
*takes all the items off the cluttered side of my desk and dumps them on the bed to make space for the laptop*
it’s so cold and i guess my brain wants to feel satisfied + warm by consuming Everything. at least my stomach has a lick of sense.
Dry skin is really fucking annoying. It’s also good at being mysterious as hell. Is it the weather? Is it something you eat frequently, or too infrequently? Is it not enough water? Is it your too-tight clothing? Does the rotten-egg smell of the water during summer and the black mold on sink spouts have anything to do with it, even though the smell has calmed tf down with the colder weather? Is it a lotion, a perfume? My fingernails and I neither know nor care. *scritch scritch*
it’s the holiday seasonnn….. and i am broke, oh so broke… I feel guilty thinking about my tattoo artist. It’s been over a year, maybe a year and a third or so… on top of what I owe my parents + Melissa + Kelley. it would be worth it to try to figure out a plan for what I can reasonably save + repay, but it seems like every damn project or interest I try to poke at this year ends up being Too Much Overhead so I look at a lot of introductory materials + resources but never take a step further bc the effort + time/resources required are high, but the reward is relatively low. like, if I worked on the Little Robot Friend that Melissa got me, it would be a high chance of failure, high chance of shame, low chance of success without her help, low chance of enjoying the process or learning or remembering anything bc I’m too focused on her. and then I waste away at my job being useless and feeling underpaid and wishing I had any kind of real skill set to show for my years of waste. nope, i get fatter, dumber, and unhappier by the year. month. How do I stop? Having my own room is…. some kind of step in the right direction, feels like I can try to move forward with some of my goals + projects or at least have the ability to do so. I guess this blog is probably the best proof I have of that….. except i created it before moving here. nvm.
I’ve *started* a lot of projects since moving here, or at least considered diving into a lot of things…. does ‘reading real books’ count as a project? A never-ending one, if so. Taking, organizing, and posting pics for the clothing exchange has been on my list for a minute, and I’ve barely taken all the pics for that. Getting back to running… I’m back to my usual ‘I try most days but usually don’t make it out at least 2 days out of 7′ thing, except this time I only run slightly over a mile, about 15 minutes. I think what I need is to figure out some new routes, ones with a little more variety in slope. Earlier this week I started trying to do some mashup shit, only to realize that I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing and I’m really bad at it and my shitty tools and knowledge are not enough to just throw at this… which sucks, because I don’t want to put in the effort to have, like, an actual background in audio production or engineering or w/e. *itch itch scritch arrrgghh why can’t this go away* I… did a one-night Commander Video cosplay?
am I focusing on the right things? will I feel satisfied when I submit this?
then… these aren’t really projects in the same way, but last friday my phone’s display failed completely from a ridic tiny crack, necessitating a replacement, and then on sunday I discovered my iPod, the one I modded all by myself and was proud of…. is dead somehow. something inside it is emitting a rapid, quiet, high-ish beep. M says it’s probably the logic board and after dismantling it a bit i’m inclined to agree.
I didn’t cry when my phone broke, but the iPod was the last straw for me. I feel like every nice mobile device I touch + want to depend on is turned to sand as I grasp it, now. What’s next? My laptop’s old and full of replacement parts, maybe it can poop out next! Maybe I can fling it into the fucking wall and speed the process along! Fuck. And then as quickly as the upset and anger comes, it’s gone, because part of me knows this isn’t the end and doesn’t matter. my feelings… don’t matter.
i threw away 2 of the last 3 pieces of candy i brought in here. better for my stomach. i think that brings my sweets total today to… six pieces of halloween chocolate (2 at work), 1 slice of pie, and 1/2 cupcake.
Richard and I were working next to each other downstairs today and talked a lot. It was… nice, I think? Not emotionally stirring or anything, but nice that we still have stuff to talk about, and…. probably too rare. Again with the lack of emotional affect about it? Or him? It was fun, I guess, and I am glad to be able to share a range of topics with him and feel like I’ll be listened to and met, but it also doesn’t feel… exciting or real. I wonder if he feels differently. *immediate guilt* idk, it’s not like i can trust him with everything, he doesn’t appear to think much of cultural appropriation or see the shitty things ru paul’s drag race perpetuates. he seems insecure and depressive, though, and i get that, and i have a hard time knowing how to talk to him without coming across as “you are bad” which is not what i want to say at all. is this me being bad @ relationships
my other goal now is to cook more often. we’ve got the materials to make roasted veggies…. i kinda wish i’d go back to making chopped veggies for my mid-morning break snack, bc i’d feel less garbage abt it and it’d be cheaper. there has to be some kind of compromise between tasty/mentally fulfilling and something that shuts my stomach up without being carb-y or fatty or w/e.
so… tomorrow could be p straightforward. work, then run, then drink and work on my new phone (if it arrives ok) while m’s with counselor… i’m gonna need a snack dammit… i shouldn’t underestimate how much setup bullshit might exist. so, freezer bag o’ pasta tomorrow night, or maybe burritos, but not roasted veggies. siiiiiiiigh.
time to figure out an outfit. i need more sweaters that cover me down to my thighs. 😛