i just wanted to take a second and get some shit out of my head, but instead suddenly looking at a screen makes me feel nauseous. i’ve already been feeling like i can’t take a full breath all day. is it because i haven’t been running? eating a few pieces of halloween candy? god, i don’t fucking know.
i rediscovered shitty vampire lit and now i’m always looking for excuses at work to have my phone out with something to read, keep my brain stimulated while my hands are busy. i’m probably being a shitty employee.
i spent most of last weekend recovering from what i guess was an anxiety attack, only with somatized symptoms instead of actually… feeling nervous feelings whatsoever. i mean, i guess i was a little bit background stressed, but… anyway, i was hoping that taking it easy on sunday would be enough for me to recover, but even though the week has treated me relatively kindly so far (aside from the usual thinking everyone hates me, not fitting into my pants anymore without causing my intestines to hate me, and relatively low-level stress of being in an open work area where i feel like i could be surveilled at any time, and the more recent development of donut truck politics weighing on everyone…. last friday, we were all talking about it, in the cube. i brought up the faithless voters thing, the change.org petition. and like, i’ve been signing crap on that site for years and years and years. i know how meaningless it can be. but my supervisor did that thing he does where he dismisses it and refuses to back down or hear other sides, and i ended the conversation abruptly, and we didn’t really talk the rest of the day. so… that was also kind of weighing on me, even if once again i didn’t consciously have many feelings about it.)
weight. it’s bad and i don’t want it. running around here doesn’t feel safe anymore. funny how street harassment is worse in better-off communities, from old white guys.
i want to work on my software skills for work, while at home. i opened and bookmarked a bunch of potentially interesting projects that would help me learn, but didn’t do shit with ’em. fuck me for being really bad at working on things, doing the nitty gritty hard parts, while visible to others. i absolutely work better when you can’t see behind the curtain. when i can make other people see me as just a “before” and an “after” picture, or believe that’s what i’m doing.
oh, right, the other thing. appointments. need to call parents for insurance info for one, maybe two of them. need to get shit squared.
so tired. this is so annoying. i can’t go to bed on time all the damn time, dammit