Month: January 2017

the schlong of silence

once again, this weekend has been… nothing.

i tried SOS chaining pikipek for a shiny, but with no shiny charm and my low level of progress overall in the game (well. i guess the two kinda go together, huh), that bitch eluded me. For a full day. I was seriously in that fight from 7 last night until I went to bed, and then from noon until 7 or 8ish tonight. At least I sort of had a system figured out. My Carbink, which bears the apt name of “Cuppeon”, was a wonderful tank, and I had a Petilil, an Eevee, and a Horsea that were all low-level enough with weak enough moves to not one-hit the damn birds. And before that battle, I’d been wondering what the fuck I would ever need hundreds of a particular berry for, given that I’ve only had access to Isle Aplenny for a few days but already have hundreds of berries across many types. I wonder no more. 😛 i mean, i can’t imagine enjoying the game if I SOS chained like that for a full day out of every few, but it’s good to know there’s a potential use.

M + I did some Festival Plaza collab shit. it’s been confirmed: I know nothing about type weaknesses. I got 3 correct answers and she got like 14. I wanted to die, I was choking on shame

later in the evening I did some actual human being-type activities. (aside from continuing to forget my wet laundry heaped in the dryer getting musty.) I went back through Friday’s cl postings (not much), and started looking at community events, classes, and the like. There’s some weekly drawing classes nearbyish but…. they cost money, money that we probably don’t have atm. Money that I’m not sure we will have by the time the classes start. Which just brings me back to the jobs section of cl. 😛 I guess my current job and the things I wish I could do with my software skill set have made me want to have a better understanding of visual art, as a creator. It would be really nice to have a class that involves going out into the community, being around people, having some kind of structured environment… all for the low, low cost of 20% of my last paycheck. for example.

from cl, i jumped to meetup. finally made an account and optimistically subscribed to a bunch of different groups. but i mean…. i don’t feel like i’m over-promising. I just want to get aggregated info on all these groups + their events in one spot first, then go from there. Most of the stuff they post isn’t really for my area anyway, and I have yet to figure out the location-based search function (if it’s working at all). You know what sucks about it, though? There’s a lot of tech-leaning groups that interest me, but that I’d be a complete noob at, and it’s clear from the introductions that they aren’t talking to ppl on my level. PLS I NEED HELP GETTING THE MOTIVATION AND KNOWLEDGE TO GET TO YOUR LEVEL EVEN WHEN I’M REALLY INTERESTED 🙁 but on the bright side, there is a queer community place nearby and i so wanna attend some shit there. as long as it isn’t all at 5 fucking pm in the middle of rush hour aahhh fuck driving. there are opportunities, but nothing super ideal, overall. i hope i keep using it.

from meetup, next stop was fb, to see if there were any attached meetup groups i was somehow not being shown over there… and then…. it was weird. my feed didn’t make me feel like a piece of shit immediately. sort of. it’s still clear to me how everyone is out accomplishing things and i’m just sitting here inching closer to my true potato form. but tonight instead of it feeling overwhelming, it felt… energizing, and cool to see what my friends were doing, i guess. even if none of them consider me a friend anymore.

I hope it stays energizing and not overwhelming, but that’s probably too much to hope. expectations ahoyhoy, esp. on as little sleep as i’m gonna get tonight. I hope I do something… although tomorrow i need to do groceries and laundry, lol.

hello wordpress my old friend

I guess I hadn’t dreamed in a while, judging by how much last night stands out. Or this morning. Or whatever.

The main one I wanted to write about on here was with M. It was just her and me talking alone in a room. Neutral hues. She told me I wasn’t enough for her and that she was interested in finding someone else in addition to me. There was… a screen in the room, maybe an old CRT tv, low-res, black background with brightly colored infographics of how she was feeling and in particular, one bar that was like… a slider between… two things I can’t remember. I don’t know if it was specific to her monogamy vs polyamory, or dissatisfaction->satisfaction, or disinterest->interest in me, or disinterest->interest in someone else…. somewhere between all those things, though. It was the most related infographic of all of them. (There was something v Undertale about the colors and layout of that screen.)

In response, I remember feeling….mildly jealous. A little sad. It got my mind going about what needed to happen to improve our relationship. Not sure if I remember what I said. I think I started saying some of the things I was thinking about, and I don’t remember how successful that was or wasn’t, either. 😛 At some point I realized that this was probably due to us sleeping in separate rooms all the time.

So… given that that wasn’t actually M, that it was part of my brain… what does that mean? Do I think she should find someone else? … idk, it couldn’t hurt. I don’t think she has the energy for anything more than incidental (which is what it sounded like in the dream, too). Having woken up, my primary feeling is guilt, but it’s not overwhelming. Thinking about it just makes the feeling shrink and warp until I’m not even sure if it’s guilt anymore…. a mild unease… could just be the grogginess of sleeping in for once, really.

In another dream, there was a witch, I think. But that’s all I remember. An almost ren faire-like setting.

The other dream I remember anything from… well, maybe there’s two. There was one where M and I were walking into an I-5 on-ramp, trying to find a northbound one… there were other people walking on the roads, alongside cars… then Rushi was there somehow? Or maybe not him, maybe just a chill dudely friend. Seemed interchangeable. We ended up on a bus that was more like a trolley and moved like a train. 😛 the lighting in it was so warm and yellowish. But I don’t think we were actually intending to get on it, and being on it felt somewhat purposeless, even though we were aiming to get off at a particular stop. At one point we made friends with a girl and I was trying to talk to her, but it was made difficult by these REALLY weird sunglasses that had a lot of chains hanging from them. It was like…. sunglasses + crown that went all around my head, from which chains could drape and reconnect farther along the crown. The ‘U’s of the chains hung down to my shoulders. Somehow everyone thought this was a good/acceptable #look. Anyway, it kept making it weird/awkward to talk to this girl, I think.

At another point in this same setting, I feel like we’d gotten off the bus/trolley/whatever and were wandering around a place that my brain was modeling after my old elementary school, the slope up to the back parking lot, the gate, and how overgrown + unkempt the flora was. It was me, M, and Generic Chill Friend Dude. We were… exploring a little bit. Just kicking around. Everything was so broken down. There was a bit of a sense of there maybe being people nearby? Or that someone might come upon us, and they might or might not be friendly. A sense that the area we were kicking around was maybe not the most public property after all.

At some point, we were back on the trolley/tram/whatever, heading into the city for good now. My mom was somehow on the same bus as us and we all decided to get off at the same stop to do some shopping together. There were so many nice shops, touristy ones–you know, like the stores with a bunch of glass blowing you could never afford, and ugly local handmade lawn ornaments. I don’t remember actually going into any of them, only arriving and still being dissatisfied, like this wasn’t where I was supposed to end up/intending to end up.

In what may or may not have been a related dream, I was at my parents’ house. M was there, idk if my brother was there, and there were some older people I didn’t know, presumed friends of my parents. Everyone was… this is dumb, but…. everyone was a TV dinner of some sort. Was it transmogrification? Did everyone just have this ability? Was it something happening *to* them? Did they know? Idk, but they kept talking and communicating even after. Were they actually being held in the hands of the un-transformed people I was thinking they represented? We were all standing around on the driveway and it was starting to rain REALLY hard. It wasn’t cold, but we were getting heavily pelted. I could somewhat see my mom maybe 7 feet away. I asked her… something. I started looking up at the sky. It was stormy, but no hurricane coming, even though I kept expecting something of that magnitude from how hard it was raining. I could see the cloud we were under and the edge of it in the distance, looking towards the backyard.

Writing this, all I can think about is how my writing skills continue atrophying (yes, even if I know words) and that I should probably read a gotdam book. Or twenty. And then I buy twenty books and read the one comic book I bought and never touch the rest of them bc Too Much Expectation

I need to see a doctor. For physical therapy and psych meds. I’m getting worse.

at various points, I’ve wished I’d come on here and write when I was feeling anxious about whatever tizzy Dingle Tip’s got us in atm, get my thoughts out onto a page, but I never did. Too tired, always too late at night and too tired. And then… even if I’d felt energetic enough, would it be safe?

Been vacillating between hope and hopelessness.

I wish M had gone to the thing yesterday.

I don’t think I’ll ever get a shiny.