I guess I hadn’t dreamed in a while, judging by how much last night stands out. Or this morning. Or whatever.
The main one I wanted to write about on here was with M. It was just her and me talking alone in a room. Neutral hues. She told me I wasn’t enough for her and that she was interested in finding someone else in addition to me. There was… a screen in the room, maybe an old CRT tv, low-res, black background with brightly colored infographics of how she was feeling and in particular, one bar that was like… a slider between… two things I can’t remember. I don’t know if it was specific to her monogamy vs polyamory, or dissatisfaction->satisfaction, or disinterest->interest in me, or disinterest->interest in someone else…. somewhere between all those things, though. It was the most related infographic of all of them. (There was something v Undertale about the colors and layout of that screen.)
In response, I remember feeling….mildly jealous. A little sad. It got my mind going about what needed to happen to improve our relationship. Not sure if I remember what I said. I think I started saying some of the things I was thinking about, and I don’t remember how successful that was or wasn’t, either. 😛 At some point I realized that this was probably due to us sleeping in separate rooms all the time.
So… given that that wasn’t actually M, that it was part of my brain… what does that mean? Do I think she should find someone else? … idk, it couldn’t hurt. I don’t think she has the energy for anything more than incidental (which is what it sounded like in the dream, too). Having woken up, my primary feeling is guilt, but it’s not overwhelming. Thinking about it just makes the feeling shrink and warp until I’m not even sure if it’s guilt anymore…. a mild unease… could just be the grogginess of sleeping in for once, really.
In another dream, there was a witch, I think. But that’s all I remember. An almost ren faire-like setting.
The other dream I remember anything from… well, maybe there’s two. There was one where M and I were walking into an I-5 on-ramp, trying to find a northbound one… there were other people walking on the roads, alongside cars… then Rushi was there somehow? Or maybe not him, maybe just a chill dudely friend. Seemed interchangeable. We ended up on a bus that was more like a trolley and moved like a train. 😛 the lighting in it was so warm and yellowish. But I don’t think we were actually intending to get on it, and being on it felt somewhat purposeless, even though we were aiming to get off at a particular stop. At one point we made friends with a girl and I was trying to talk to her, but it was made difficult by these REALLY weird sunglasses that had a lot of chains hanging from them. It was like…. sunglasses + crown that went all around my head, from which chains could drape and reconnect farther along the crown. The ‘U’s of the chains hung down to my shoulders. Somehow everyone thought this was a good/acceptable #look. Anyway, it kept making it weird/awkward to talk to this girl, I think.
At another point in this same setting, I feel like we’d gotten off the bus/trolley/whatever and were wandering around a place that my brain was modeling after my old elementary school, the slope up to the back parking lot, the gate, and how overgrown + unkempt the flora was. It was me, M, and Generic Chill Friend Dude. We were… exploring a little bit. Just kicking around. Everything was so broken down. There was a bit of a sense of there maybe being people nearby? Or that someone might come upon us, and they might or might not be friendly. A sense that the area we were kicking around was maybe not the most public property after all.
At some point, we were back on the trolley/tram/whatever, heading into the city for good now. My mom was somehow on the same bus as us and we all decided to get off at the same stop to do some shopping together. There were so many nice shops, touristy ones–you know, like the stores with a bunch of glass blowing you could never afford, and ugly local handmade lawn ornaments. I don’t remember actually going into any of them, only arriving and still being dissatisfied, like this wasn’t where I was supposed to end up/intending to end up.
In what may or may not have been a related dream, I was at my parents’ house. M was there, idk if my brother was there, and there were some older people I didn’t know, presumed friends of my parents. Everyone was… this is dumb, but…. everyone was a TV dinner of some sort. Was it transmogrification? Did everyone just have this ability? Was it something happening *to* them? Did they know? Idk, but they kept talking and communicating even after. Were they actually being held in the hands of the un-transformed people I was thinking they represented? We were all standing around on the driveway and it was starting to rain REALLY hard. It wasn’t cold, but we were getting heavily pelted. I could somewhat see my mom maybe 7 feet away. I asked her… something. I started looking up at the sky. It was stormy, but no hurricane coming, even though I kept expecting something of that magnitude from how hard it was raining. I could see the cloud we were under and the edge of it in the distance, looking towards the backyard.
Writing this, all I can think about is how my writing skills continue atrophying (yes, even if I know words) and that I should probably read a gotdam book. Or twenty. And then I buy twenty books and read the one comic book I bought and never touch the rest of them bc Too Much Expectation
I need to see a doctor. For physical therapy and psych meds. I’m getting worse.
at various points, I’ve wished I’d come on here and write when I was feeling anxious about whatever tizzy Dingle Tip’s got us in atm, get my thoughts out onto a page, but I never did. Too tired, always too late at night and too tired. And then… even if I’d felt energetic enough, would it be safe?
Been vacillating between hope and hopelessness.
I wish M had gone to the thing yesterday.
I don’t think I’ll ever get a shiny.