i’m tired and don’t feel well, but apparently want to blog anyway
so yeah, i think i caught my mom’s cold from last weekend like she realized i might, AFTER sharing her ice cream with me. it isn’t as terrible as last year’s, yet, but it’s still been surprisingly annoying. a lot of coughing. my left nostril is over-dried from the fluticasone and it hurts to breathe so clearly through that one + not the other one. which is annoying bc i thought i did a better job of getting the fluticasone dose into my right nostril. i put some vaporub on my chest before settling in to this post to try to numb my throat. hopefully being outside a bunch earlier didn’t exacerbate it or anything… i should text mom to tell her she was (probably) right and compare symptoms, and text dad to be sad about the npr programming we’re losing.
but hey, yeah, i did play a lot of pkmn today. both of the go and moon varieties. i’d been sitting at 11 on a tough eevee sos chain for a few days, building up apprehension/expectation/anxiety bc i’d just started breaking in a new team… i got it to 24 (out of a goal of at least 31 eevees, after which point i’d catch the first female i could find) while watching tv with the baird, and wasn’t paying especial attention, when we exited the battle for some reason? I don’t think I did anything to cause it to faint, but i must have gotten a critical hit on my last move or something. it was too early to struggle. either that or it ran away but that’s unheard of, isn’t it? so that was disappointing but at least i figured out a decent strategy for my current team–it can be kind of slow, but it’s getting faster as everyone levels. (and easier to accidentally one-hit). so most of the reason i’m still awake is because i decided i was going to get back to where i was in the sos chain tonight, and i only just accomplished that.
also played some of pkmn go, and cashed in on that sweet vday special to get a bunch of things i hadn’t even seen before. i’m so lickitung. god bless all the licky pokemon. and it was nice to be outside for once, even if i feel paranoid abt discussing the weather in case it’s some kind of Clue~
i only barely heard about this on friday, but apparently there was a wp hack? given that it had to do with updates of one sort, i was nervous, but my blog appears to have auto-updated already to the version with the patch. thank god… i really need to learn more abt privacy and junk. m and i were talking to the sib earlier this week (after watching Paris Is Burning! which is fucking fantastic and i wish more queer ppl would watch it) and realized that they actually… have surpassed me in a significant, practical way. a little sad but mostly proud.
last night, for what felt like a long time, i dreamed about brett. hanging out with him on what might be my brain’s reconstruction of the downtown waterfront… except it was way more residential. i think we talked a lot but don’t remember what he said anyway. it left me w a surprising number of feelings. just him and me, walking around, talking about…. anything, it seemed like. sometimes i wonder if i still “really” love him, whatever that means. i think it’s more just that our relationship was the last relationship i remember feelings mostly un-conflicted over. feeling my feelings, falling in love. Except…. I know that’s not rly true. Melissa was like that for a while, before Everything Fucked Up Forever and How Do We Undo This
last, aaaaaaaaa, the work potluck on fri! so much good food. AND cute coworker and i had a little conversation. i initiated after seeing that he apparently brought things for the potluck, being surprised bc most of the ppl who work in his area wouldn’t be able to take lunch at the set time of the potluck. i jumped right into being casual with him and he went with it and sounded rly nice, but at the end, i said “we’ll see” and he said “we’ll see” right back and i don’t know if it was socially affirming or if it was the kind of repetition where you’ve, you know, disengaged from the conversation and the person who you were talking to and you’re just verbally solidifying how little you care. OF COURSE IT COULD GO EITHER WAY. and yes of course i’m giving a shit about this. i’m sorry fuck i don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, you’re just really cute and every time i see your face from across the room i can’t help but be like, “wow he’s really gorgeous” and it just slaps me in the stomach. by comparison, i’m old fat unkempt unfashionable garbage, so yeah i’m kinda thinking i make him feel uncomfortable if anything at all. i’m sorry, i try to be not annoying or doing anything that might cross a boundary. oh and THEN after the potluck has been going on and he’d gotten a few plates of food and was heading back from his (second) lunch, he like…. came out to say thank you to everyone for the food. who does that?! it was surprisingly thoughtful. i just…. i have no idea who he is, man. every time i think i’m letting go xD
i woke up at a reasonable weekend hour this morning. the sun was actually coming through my blinds, making everything look weekend-perfect. i gathered up a bunch of my stuff to have with me in bed before getting up, and among other things, i… took 15 minutes between sos eevees to try to describe the “ideal me”. It’s funny, I was kind of expecting/hoping for something so far away from who i currently am, but really, i ended up writing something more transitional, like, someone who i could get to if i Just Started Doing Things. it just described my current priorities rather than becoming an overwhelming wish list.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa exhausting
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i need a (concise) tag for this work crush
IMMEDIATE P.S. oh yeah had to go thru my tumblr earlier for potential security reasons and saw some of my original posts from 2014-15. i was actually…. saying decent things that i have no memory of saying. it seems like maybe it really is important for me to write down how i’m doing and what i’m feeling, AND continue looking back on that, to be able to examine and remember it and integrate it. so there’s that