i’m ass-over-tits into ds9 now. 20 years late to the fandom. and…. reading because of it. reading novel-length g/ara//shi/r. holy hell.

this particular ep is worth staying up for. even after a week of OT and drinking and fic-derived sleep deprivation and lethargic depression. it’s…. so much depth and emotion and realness (and screen time!) for garak. i fucking love it. i’ve come so many times now between that and ao3. i’m such bland trash, aren’t i

my cracked tooth started hurting again today. kind of a lot. i wonder if the carrot sticks are part of the problem…. i don’t know what to do. the solution to one of my problems is the cause of another problem. i felt scared and upset.

my body feels tired but my brain could just keep rolling on. i really am depressed, aren’t i. i want to die, don’t i. i avoided nausea this morning but maybe i won’t be so lucky tomorrow. four and a half hours now. i fucked myself for like, two hours, even though i feel like i can’t feel… how attracted i should feel. like there’s something missing, but it doesn’t end up mattering.

i’ve gotten even more distant from m lately. sometimes i’m not, but most of the time, i’m tired of her mannerisms and feel unhappy, and/or nothing

suddenly struck again with the question of whether that one thing i cut today was the correct version. uugghhhhhhh i’ll have to check tmrw