Dreams. I hope I can remember them.
One where M and I drove into… I guess the area where my elementary school used to be. And went to what must also have been an elementary school, even though i wasn’t thinking of it in those terms. But we were on a mission. we had a thing we’d brought from Ikea: this weird, massive, onion-shaped enclosure that I have no idea how we fit it into the car (since it was fully constructed when we got there) and it took up a whole room, swaying gently as it was suspended from the ceiling. The other thing, the more important piece, was….. this magnetic knife strip? For some reason, that was the thing it was really important to me that we share with the kids in this classroom. And that’s the other thing–it was a very specific classroom and teacher. We knew where we were going and where we were setting this up. And we’d set up the wooden hanging onion room already but not the knife strip when the teacher came over to be like “excuse me but wtf” so we told her, in what i recall being very optimistic terms, like “i want to share this with your kids” or “i want to make sure they have access to this” or something like that, something that sounded Big and Important. And somehow…. she was all for it! She completely bought it (i don’t know whether “it” was the truth or not) and then was like “but only if I get a realtor’s fee” or something like that. I was still worried she’d misunderstood about the knife strip and would freak out, started wondering if this classroom was too young to be handling blades (answer: it’s an elementary school, what was my brain thinking) when, as she was explaining or starting to explain what a realtor’s fee is (or perhaps she was handing it off to one of her students? or another teacher? at some point there were other teachers milling around and it was kind of like the setup of 4 classrooms, 2 grades per classroom that I had, and the teacher we were working with was the 3rd and i was relieved that we weren’t giving knives to the youngest group or something) but anyway as the explanation was taking place, i saw her bringing out a pile of big metal scissors, presumably to be moved into the new onion room. double relief. i feel kinda like i wasn’t supposed to question the knife strip, like it was maybe something else originally but my brain got it mixed up or something. the last thing i remember in this dream was realizing that my double bed was in there, and turning to M and saying “this means we have to ask my parents for their spare bed immediately” and then getting confused trying to think of how everything would shuffle around, but like, not questioning that my double bed was in this room that was going in an elementary school?
One of my later dreams…. is gonna be confusing. I was … huh. There was another, possibly related game dream, where M and I went to an actual fucking Gamestop to buy a game. And it was weird and the guys on duty (?) walked in right before we did, and I don’t remember a cash register being involved. or any of the normal annoying questions that accompany a purchase there. and then he had some kind of question, and i gave a weird/flirtatious answer–something that would have seemed weird if you were an innocent bystander who knew nothing about my relationship with m. it may have had something to do with a strip search? i don’t fucking know.
okay okay so the actual confusing dream may have shared a setup with that one… similar/nearby location.. hell, maybe it was in my old college town. but it also feels like where grammie used to live, at parts. anyway for whatever reason, there was a con or something going on and there was this… group i was going with, and then there was basically Everyone Else pitted against us. It looked like a lot of queer youth trying to protest non-violently. They tried on multiple occasions (but not very hard) to impede the passage of the group i was with. there were ppl in my group with more power than me. there were also ppl with less. maybe we were escorting a prisoner or something? but idk, that doesn’t seem quite right. at one point, though, the group got separated due to a couple ppl going off in different directions, and the rest of us splitting up to keep track of them/bring them back. it was during this period, i believe, that there was a bunch of stormy weather and we had to camp in some shitty woods for the night, or maybe just while the weather passed. but the guy i was following, he found this tiny little lizard and kept talking about it as it was pinched between his fingers. Bright green and blue. He gave it to me after a while and then was gone. like any small animal, this lizard hated being pinched between my fingers and kept thrashing around, trying to escape, trying to bite my fingers. i couldn’t tell if the lack of pain was due to the lack of power in its bite, or due to this being a dream. i remember being worried that it was going to hurt, though, thinking maybe he just hadn’t really gotten close enough to bite me for real yet. in my other hand, i held the blue spongy attachment for the dish scrubbing wand. i used it to try to prevent him from flailing so much, keep him still, keep him away from my fingers, with only mild success. i don’t remember how this one ended at all.
there was another one, the most recent one, but all i remember about it is that there were a bunch of us in a field, and i think a lot of them may have even been real people, but the only ones i remember for sure were me, m, and austin for some reason.
i just cried a little at the thought of ds9 ending. after looking up andrew robinson on imdb for whatever reason. god. i’m midway through the sixth season, and i’m scared that i’m too invested in certain characters to enjoy the rest as i should, that it’s going to be over too soon, before i’ve seen what i want to see because what i want to see has never existed there.
the haircut place is open now. i should call and try to make an appointment but that sounds scary. maybe instead i’ll sit here for another week, putting my hair up constantly, eating massive amounts of sugar every day, thinking about but not actually using my gym membership… why? why don’t i do things? it’s not like i feel a great amount of anxiety, i just…. don’t. talking on the phone feels too out of my control, i guess. at this point i expect an answer that won’t work for me. and i expect to be overheard by m while calling. i at least need to wash my hair before getting a haircut, though, and also need to wear appropriate clothes. oh, and put the example photos i saved into my phone so i can share them. as for the gym… i think about how much energy it’s going to take. how much of a slog it is to work out. my brain has successfully uncoupled that sense from the enjoyment and endorphins that usually accompany the slog… i guess those come along slightly later. but, god, i’m so unhappy with my body. another uncoupling of cause and effect, i suppose. i guess i should tell m not to bring me any more sweets from work lmao i sound like such a fucking middle-aged white lady.
there was something this week… m had a picture on her computer whose filename was “captain death” and i was trying to help her figure out why it would be named that. i searched our chat transcript logs from the year when she received it and the year after, and ended up reading some unrelated stuff. of course. it was entertaining to read myself being so… animated and clever about shit. and it reminded me that she and i used to talk all the time, like, SHARE things. and used to have things to share. things we felt like sharing. and idk, it reminded me a little of the romance we’ve had. it reminded me that it’s not gone, just kind of… forgotten. dissociated. 😛 maybe rereading those could be helpful in the future… maybe. revisiting that shit has caused plenty of emotions across the board, that’s for sure.
am i going to do any of the things? 🙁