things are pretty nice for the moment.
all the overtime finally, literally paid off, and i got a cool new rgb keyboard and some stuff from Lush. m & i went shopping tonight and my feet hurt now. m was bored as hell by the end of it, but it was really nice to go out and do fun weekend things with her instead of just sitting at home playing sdv or whatever. and it’s nice that it actually fucking feels nice instead of like going through the motions. shit, wait, was yesterday two years of official dating…?
the bag of lush stuff is making my room smell gr9
things have been surprisingly okay. for now. i don’t know why, but i’ve been less of an unrepentant bitch lately… i think. after reading an article about compassion meditation, i’ve had maybe 5-10 seconds total where i really put singular effort into thinking about how m might be feeling about x, and why, but really it doesn’t seem like enough time/effort to be effecting this difference. maybe it’s the result of increased talking about cute boys. maybe having more friends that aren’t just k helped me work on ways to relate differently/better… nah. maybe it’s the running? i do feel like less of a garbage can when I’m working out consistently, and thus less insecure/stressed/depressed at everything else. hell, maybe it’s the financial security/freedom of the overtime paychecks. And maybe it doesn’t matter, but god, to see this change in myself is kind of strange and unreal, small and quiet as it is. I just don’t want to lose it equally strangely and randomly. I want to be a better person to her. I want for boundary issues to be temporary issues, not these gaping setbacks for my emotional vulnerability. It’s so nice to be driving down the street, holding her hand, glancing at the lights in the night and feeling like this moment is enough. Not judging myself for feelings I can’t produce, not feeling like the most significant relationship of my life is a performance (along with everything else, but that one sucks the most to be performative), just… enough. Why??? Tell me how to hold on to you and duplicate these results. I guess I’ll just keep trying.
which is a humorous and great segue, because that rgb keyboard i mentioned earlier…. required a lot of try. i was working on it from right after work yesterday until i went to bed around 11-something, then working on it again this morning after i woke up and lounged a bit. Well, except it wasn’t really “lounging”; it was a depressive slump of feeling like it was pointless to get up but being too guilty about not doing productive shit to actually let myself fall back asleep. Troubleshooting computers is an exhausting pain bc of the combination of physical and digital components, I think–it’s a lot of gear-switching, and I’d have a much easier time sticking with one or the other. Last night, I made myself go to sleep by thinking “I give up on everything” a lot of times in a row. But yeah the slump, the sadness, the useless helpless tears. It seems comparable to the trope of the “smart student” whose obedience and ability to get from point A to point B the quickest was rewarded in school, but who perhaps never learned to stick with things when they got hard. Didn’t develop whatsit, ~grit~ or ~perseverance~ or any of that. Failure-avoidant, self-defeating with learned behaviors.
I stuck with it, though…. at the cost of going on my run (second time this week), but I asked for help, combed through all the details, tried to write a good forum post. I stuck with it at the cost of becoming very one-track-minded and not having the energy to do multiple other things simultaneously, it seems.
so much to do for tomorrow…. not sure how much i can manage.so much cleaning. Could do laundry, could scrub toilet + shower, could pick up clothes on floor. Need to run, ofc. Could stand to maintain some of this body hair, too.
all right. time to freakin’ sleep. remind me to talk about m + weed later.