Month: May 2017

I have so many small worthless things to say that I don’t know where to start.

I finally got my shit together enough to even get a LI acct, and it’s so much more disappointing than I thought it would be so far, and brings up so much anxiety (some social, some just “what if I’m giving ppl information I didn’t intend and would prefer not to and am vulnerable in a bad way”) for… what looks like even less return than I was imagining. Just another platform on which to remind myself that I make no sense and am not a worthwhile hire, lacking all the things that I feel I should be, and I deserve to be at this shitty job with no benefits while my insurance runs out and yet another cost will be added to my monthly expenditures. maybe losing that job I had straight out of college was a bigger deal than I thought, for reasons that had more to do with that job than I thought.

I’m fat. I don’t look as good as I used to maybe a year ago. I’m trying to notice myself and some of the habits that go into that… I know I eat for stimulation, and these days, I can’t not be aware of how as soon as I get home part of my brain immediately wants stimulation instead of having the willpower to do anything productive. Even when my stomach is full, my brain wants more stimulation, and eating is still a way to get that. The easiest way I currently know. If only being aware of what I’m doing made more of a difference in its occurrence (sometimes it helps, but sometimes I’m a mindless fuck. Especially if I drink, which after the article I read today about alcohol + nicotine, makes plenty of sense.)

Ugh. Everything is a waste of time. I just want to organize my thoughts enough to maybe get MOTIVATED to do something about it. Oh, yeah, and when I do manage to do something about it, it’s NEVER enough–like right now, I tried to check whether my insurance would cover the specialists I got referred to but can’t find anything 100% conclusive. I’m going to haaaaaave to summon the will to make phone calls during the work day, and have all of the necessary info on hand when I do. I’m so fucking shitty and useless.

not to mention, dude emailed me to schedule an apt inspection sometime this month. tiiiiime to attempt to patch my wall, and to try to make m’s room less overflowing with garbage and fire hazards. time to research paint and walls. ———–okay I guess tomorrow I’ll unscrew the light switch plate to see what i can see. Can you believe at 9 pm tonight I was cozily nodding off on my bed, thinking I might get to sleep early? Now I have more tabs open than ever. It never fucking ends, does it, and I am always leveling up just enough to scrape by. That’s adulthood as my mom described it to me…. I fucking hate myself. I should be doing better. I need to be doing better.

before he comes, I guess I should just plan on donating all my shit to VV instead of waiting around for myself to post things for tcx. and donate the long-ass shelf sitting untouched in the corner. and try to shove as many of melissa’s random things into the hall closet as possible. and possibly hide the chandelier light that we have up in the living room. i guess that’s more to google. it looks like as long as we keep it clean and un-cluttered, common sense stuff, it should be fine. just gotta summon the will to clean and organize more before Panic Time

dear wordpress please help me find a job that pays better thx

ow guts why 🙁 I just want to put my laptop on my, you know, lap

pros of today: beautiful weather, walked around a lot, didn’t waste the day doing the same things I always do, put on makeup, went to some new places, successfully dealt with the highway, tons of skincare

cons of today (and every other day): I’m not a worthwhile person. I’m unattractive inside and out, and I have nothing to contribute, and no one is interested in me.

I’m just not enough of anything to exist with other people. I don’t have the curiosity for it to occur to me to ask the right questions. I don’t have the empathy to pick up on nonverbal or verbal cues/make meaning from them fast enough. I’m a fucking text predictor scrambling to put one word after another.

i don’t know why i try. obviously my attempts are a joke. no one will ever be interested in me again.

time to sleep so i can go fail to connect with my parents at our next outing.

tbh, i don’t really feel like posting…. it just seems like the thing to do. about an hour ago i kinda thought i was gonna fall asleep at an unreasonably reasonable time. everything i usually do feels kind of burned out today. it’s been sufficient motivation to actually sort through my drawers and pull out some stuff to donate and throw away, get all my clean laundry off the floor for the first time in weeks.

not like i actually feel much better for it. if anything, it’s like the entropy shifted from my floorspace to all my browser tabs. sorry, that’s a shitty piece of figurative language right there. i just mean there’s always something.

like…. spending a substantial chunk of time today shopping online. I bought a bunch of shit from Amazon and Sephora and Google Music over the last couple days. I hope my wallet can handle it… I might be throwing out the last vestiges of my post-overtime cushion. maybe not the greatest idea with my appt coming up, but it’s probably just my brain continuing to seek stimulation through consumption, whether that’s food, shopping, fanfic, whatever. yeah. i haven’t gotten magically better. i ate an entire bag of carrot cake Kisses between last night and tonight just because it was stimulation of some sort. i…. i think not being able to go running is kind of not helping matters, even if this was perhaps going on alongside that. when i ran i was getting so tired, i would be mindless and do things mindlessly after i was done. i already don’t really remember.

which, weirdly: in the first 3-4 days after stopping running, my knee pain did abate pretty successfully. and did come back reliably after that when I briefly tried on a few occasions. but… now it’s kind of coming back anyway? my only guess is that as my muscles do weird shit and atrophy in disuse, it’s pulling on my legs in a particular way that exacerbates shit again. but hey i don’t actually understand anything that knee has done since 2013.

i found some free resume templates on a career site that isn’t total garbage earlier this week, so that’s kind of a step in the right direction. my profile-pic-to-be is also shaping up, to the point that i’m starting to wonder if it’s *too* much effort to be putting into cleaning it up. i don’t have any eye for this shit–will someone see it and notice something i took too far to be real? I guess that’s only really a problem if i were getting hired to do work w/adobe products. generally no one else should care, right?

mother’s day tomorrow. still no plans.

i went looking for diy vibe info and was very disappointed on cursory googling.

oh look now i’m tired

hm.

i took friday and monday off and it’s been good. Friday was really fucking productive. It was so nice to feel like I was doing enough, for once. I got my tires rotated, did three loads of laundry (including my sheets), made a doctor’s appointment for later this month, finally dropped off some junk at VV that we’d been meaning to donate forever, and waxed my fuckin’ legs. Like… it was a lot of subsistence-type things, but in combination with the few appointment-related and socialization-demanding bits, it… did mostly feel like enough. Of course, then I was not here Saturday or Sunday and didn’t accomplish much on those days, and now it still feels like not enough of a weekend, but it’s…. I did some necessary shit, shit I’ve been putting off for a while.

My muscles are so damn sore. It’s great. I was kind of afraid I wouldn’t be able to run any of the race without causing more knee pain, but I tried to limit it to the uphill and flat parts, and was able to make it near the end before the popping really set in. worth it imo. I ran the part I wanted to run, and I finished while wearing this ridiculous polyester satin peacock-printed robe that I found on the way… I could be wrong, but it seems like walking actually helps me run without getting into that knee pain. so all i have to do is take the time to walk with intent. maybe k is right about those lunges helping, who knows. i’m scared to try things that might make it worse when i don’t know how to monitor my body effectively to improve the situation. so hopefully seeing a doctor soon will help.

the other thing about this weekend that I wanted to note, even if ofc i’m afraid of talking about it/too much/the wrong way, but… I actually felt happy at a few different moments? AND i did a decent job of DJ-ing in the car for a few different legs of the trip. those two things feel kind of like they go together. Making connections and associations between the things in my life, between the things I listen to now and the things in my library from years ago, being able to read my audience (small and private though they are, it still technically counts for what i mean). Feeling like I have music worth sharing without defaulting to just whatever recent shit counts as bland and inoffensive enough to play without fear of reaction, criticism, skepticism… something, idk.

Ohhh. This is that song that had William Shatner’s voiceover on the cover. Common People – Pulp. good2kno

I don’t know if I can hold onto this if I put it in words, but i wanted to try to remember….i wasn’t happy bc i was trying to be. things just kind of came together. it felt like luck and undeserved joy. like, my cracked tooth was hurting, my knee was still fucked, and it’s not like i was Super Psyched to be walking in the race or even to be visiting oma. it kind of just happened. and it happened alongside feeling more like a real, specific person.

but still not an economically worthwhile person, i think. one of the things i wanted to work on this weekend was job hunting shit, and hopefully i’ll at least finish shooping my future profile pic for when i finally get my shit together, but i still don’t feel… hireable. which is fucking ridiculous, god. i AM getting old and even the people who took a long time to figure out their passion/whatever were my age when they got it figured out. so i don’t have any excuse. I just… don’t do things. or learn things, ever. a flyer actually came in the mail from a nearby community college on thursday or friday and i was thinking maybe i should look for some night classes relating to math or comp sci or graphic design or something. (or, hell, wordpress.) there was an intro to drawing class listed, but it was during the day 🙁 the cool thing was that a lot of the classes listed were under $200, which would be actually doable. i feel really out of the loop, like i missed several years where i was supposed to be continuing to improve myself and learn more things… fuck dude, i don’t know. even when i work on improvements and learning, i’m still missing something, i think. i’m just missing something that other people have/use/know, involving critical thinking and some kind of social context or something. it just doesn’t occur to me.

i guess if i want it to work how getting back into music enough to feel competent w/it worked, i just have to find some good, worthwhile sources to get my info from, and take what works for me. sucks cause there’s no public job radio that i can passively enjoy absorbing on my way to and from work. 😛

Oh, I also wanted to say… I’ve been having a lot more vivid dreams lately? It’s cool and interesting and I like it. Last night I dreamed that Garak was granted his fondest desire by some kind of spirit from the Avatar ‘verse, and that desire was apparently to be human? So he lost all his ridges and… in my dream he had this, like, MASSIVE nose. And he was taller and more scrawny as a human, for whatever fucking reason. I remember questioning in the dream how that could be his greatest wish, how it didn’t fit with his character in any of the other episodes. Then, he asked me to be there for him for some kind of… doctor appointment? This Thursday at 2:45 pm or something like that. I said yes, then later grumbled to myself about how i was going to ask for that time off. Idk.

I keep forgetting to write a backstory for halflings for this Pathfinder group I’ve apparently signed up to attend. After a cursory google, I’m thinking if I were going to make a backstory that references that shit, I’d keep the dismissal by other, larger races–and rather than directly confront it and demand a place in human/whoever’s society, halflings tend to either reciprocate that dismissal, or use it to their advantage? Idk. I’m too aware of the existing racial/disability-related flavors in this exchange without knowing how to handle them respectfully. Maybe there is no unified halfling attitude towards larger races. Some have carved out a place for themselves among humans, or elves, or whoever. Which I guess means they’re geographically diverse? Am I stepping on the toes of any other fantasy race if they’ve been nomadic at times and frequently close to nature? Even if they don’t share a particular perspective on larger folks with their halfling neighbors, they tend to form communities of primarily halflings, close to nature. Maybe some act as intermediaries, or are closer to “integration” with or functioning within the society of other nearby races, due to their geography.

Okay. I’ll think about that more later, after i haven’t wasted this day completely.

holy hell, my dude. my bro. my wp. if i said that aloud, would i say something more like “wup” or more like “wippy”? regardless, everything SUCKS. (I wonder when, precisely, I lost the ability to take myself seriously enough to allow all-capsing like that in a monologue. that is what this is, isn’t it?)

• after a scant 3-4 weeks of running again (finally!), I got myself back on track to at least be doing a 3-mile route every day, even if I still wasn’t able to run it without taking a short break during the uphill chunk. I started wearing that new pair of running shoes. and THEN my fucking fucking fucking fucking knee started acting up! I want to say “again” but running has never made my knee feel this way before, only cycling. FUCK. My knee is in low-level pain almost all the time now, and I can’t figure out how to alleviate it most of the time. What the fuck is wrong with me? What the fuck did I do to myself with my shitty 30-minute cycling? Why can’t I exercise even moderately without hurting myself? I was just starting to feel like I was on the cusp of some nice physical changes, too, but instead my body has been forced to adjust to not running again, thanks to the combination of my uterus, catching a stupid cold, and now this knee pain all last week. So yeah, now I have amplified eczema, extra-annoying acne, and hella depression. Which…
• Rather than using the free time and potential extra energy of not running to be constructive, I tend to plop down in front of a screen and distractedly get a half-hour’s worth of work done in a night, if that. I eat impulsively to stifle my brain’s dissatisfaction and craving for stimulation. My sheets kinda stink, my laundry basket is almost full, my floor is covered with clothes to be hung back up or folded or laundered, (brief interlude during which MY KNEE FUCKING HURTS AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT), the ants are back since the weather cooled back down a bit and I should be cleaning/putting away more dishes, my cracked tooth has been aching every day…. I still haven’t deposited my paycheck…. and that’s just basic subsistence shit that I haven’t done. It doesn’t include things that are more “leisurely” but still on my mind.
• Such “leisure” things include making a fucking logo for my fucking family. I shouldn’t have gotten their hopes up. I’m not any kind of visual artist. I don’t know how to use these parts of Illustrator effectively. Anyway, that, looming large….. calling someone or other to set up a doctor’s appointment and hoping they aren’t booked too full to accept new patients; finishing the goddamn *picture* for my fucking linkedin profile, for fuck’s sake, what a stupid thing to take forever on and drop halfway through; rotating my fucking tires. Too much. I haven’t done any of it. I don’t know when I will.

whoops I’m falling asleep