I have so many small worthless things to say that I don’t know where to start.
I finally got my shit together enough to even get a LI acct, and it’s so much more disappointing than I thought it would be so far, and brings up so much anxiety (some social, some just “what if I’m giving ppl information I didn’t intend and would prefer not to and am vulnerable in a bad way”) for… what looks like even less return than I was imagining. Just another platform on which to remind myself that I make no sense and am not a worthwhile hire, lacking all the things that I feel I should be, and I deserve to be at this shitty job with no benefits while my insurance runs out and yet another cost will be added to my monthly expenditures. maybe losing that job I had straight out of college was a bigger deal than I thought, for reasons that had more to do with that job than I thought.
I’m fat. I don’t look as good as I used to maybe a year ago. I’m trying to notice myself and some of the habits that go into that… I know I eat for stimulation, and these days, I can’t not be aware of how as soon as I get home part of my brain immediately wants stimulation instead of having the willpower to do anything productive. Even when my stomach is full, my brain wants more stimulation, and eating is still a way to get that. The easiest way I currently know. If only being aware of what I’m doing made more of a difference in its occurrence (sometimes it helps, but sometimes I’m a mindless fuck. Especially if I drink, which after the article I read today about alcohol + nicotine, makes plenty of sense.)
Ugh. Everything is a waste of time. I just want to organize my thoughts enough to maybe get MOTIVATED to do something about it. Oh, yeah, and when I do manage to do something about it, it’s NEVER enough–like right now, I tried to check whether my insurance would cover the specialists I got referred to but can’t find anything 100% conclusive. I’m going to haaaaaave to summon the will to make phone calls during the work day, and have all of the necessary info on hand when I do. I’m so fucking shitty and useless.
not to mention, dude emailed me to schedule an apt inspection sometime this month. tiiiiime to attempt to patch my wall, and to try to make m’s room less overflowing with garbage and fire hazards. time to research paint and walls. ———–okay I guess tomorrow I’ll unscrew the light switch plate to see what i can see. Can you believe at 9 pm tonight I was cozily nodding off on my bed, thinking I might get to sleep early? Now I have more tabs open than ever. It never fucking ends, does it, and I am always leveling up just enough to scrape by. That’s adulthood as my mom described it to me…. I fucking hate myself. I should be doing better. I need to be doing better.
before he comes, I guess I should just plan on donating all my shit to VV instead of waiting around for myself to post things for tcx. and donate the long-ass shelf sitting untouched in the corner. and try to shove as many of melissa’s random things into the hall closet as possible. and possibly hide the chandelier light that we have up in the living room. i guess that’s more to google. it looks like as long as we keep it clean and un-cluttered, common sense stuff, it should be fine. just gotta summon the will to clean and organize more before Panic Time
dear wordpress please help me find a job that pays better thx