drunk and bad at emotional regulation and scratching up my own arms while listening to that one playlist that i titled “Mar 3, 2012, 8:00 PM”
i should be dead
i should be dead
i should be dead
i should be dead
i should be dead
i should be dead
i should be dead
this keyboard has some pretty great action. i can’t hear how loud it is over my headphones, but i bet it’s clackety as hell.
am i gonna try to unpack this? if i do, i bet i’ll have to throw up.
so far in this whole polyamory ~thing~, i haven’t gotten the balance right at all. ever. i always feel like shit when i do it but also i don’t want it any other way. it’s just more real. but i’m REALLY FUCKING BAD AT IT. I always feel worthless and unwanted and second-best in at least one direction, possibly double-replaced. Not like I’ve been able to access those feelings lately, when connecting them to the M i still know and love.
no, it’s….. this triad of whatever the fuck. i don’t feel secure. i don’t feel like i can ask for reassurance or whatever without upsetting a delicate balance, and i have no idea what the new guy wants. but i have a shitty fucking crush on him and i should probably not spend so much of my free time with him. i should probably just be dead instead because i’m not a worthwhile person. nobody likes me or bothers talking to me unless convenient. i must be hard to get to know somehow, i guess, but i don’t know how to be less so.
i want to drive to the capitol this weekend and just…. be by myself. sulk like a fucking baby. use my damn car for once. but idk where to sleep for free without a tent. where can i park my car and not be bothered?
is it me, is it my problem, how the fuck do i step off
i should be dead
i should be dead
can you see, can you see in the dark, the look on your face? the flashing white light’s been turned off; you don’t know who’s in your bed.
this is fucking pathetic. this is …. an endogenous drug, and i’m reacting to my own prediction of its cutoff. dear coquette, you’ve said “love is one helluva drug.” but what phrase or term would you use for the feelings shallower than love? they still feel like a helluva drug rn, i’m kinda wrecked on it, kinda really addicted, kind of a horrible dependent person who doesn’t do anything
–
oh look it’s the next morning