another week, hah.
after working on that last entry for a while, i did end up cutting my thigh. did i mention that? *bothers checking* looks like it didn’t make it in, no. it’s probably been at least half a year. i guess doing real things that i care about and am interested in kinda…. brings up real emotions and issues, instead of letting me exist in a meaningless limbo where nothing touches me and i just think that it does because i’ve forgotten how to be a person.
but yeah. a couple of them were really good, like, multiple drops even with blotting and not pulling the cuts apart or rubbing them with a wet washcloth to prevent clotting. it was briefly satisfying.
other things i did that night: put all my feelings on M without actually being direct/honest with her about why i felt that way or why i was talking to her about it. that was a shitty thing to do and i should apologize because it’s not fair to her, and she was very kind and better at boundaries during the whole thing. :/
the next day… woof, i was actually kinda hungover. I remember taking chicken broth in a thermos as my breakfast. Lu and I have been enabling the shit out of each other wrt spending money on coffee and lunches. it’s fun and it seems like we both enjoy spending time with each other and buying foods and drinks is a good way to spend time together while still under the umbrella of the working day. getting to hang out with him and be a fucking dweeb w/ him helps a fair bit when i feel like garbage about relationship stuff.
the flip side of thaaaaaaaaaat is that i am not being a good busy season employee. I came in late twice this week, at least, and i feel like G has walked in on me texting and talking to Lu too many times recently. It’s… not good. There was one day where–oh wait, it was the day of hangover that I was describing earlier–I turned off my phone in the morning so I wouldn’t be tempted to check messages constantly and respond constantly and be on that rollercoaster in general. (wait, seriously? is “rollercoaster” not a real compound word? browser spell-check thinks not) it was kind of good, although as with most measures in that vein, once i checked it once, it was hard to stop the snowball back to habit.
–
it’s the next morning now. anyway.
if i can just do a better job of going to bed early, it would help start everything off less irresponsibly…
i gotta…. i don’t know. it’s hard to hold all these thoughts in my head. on the one hand, i have no idea what it’s like to live my adult life for myself, by myself, for 8 years. maybe talking to people that interest me wouldn’t… cut the same way after that much practice staying separate. or that i wouldn’t feel the same urge to… fill a perceived hole, to soothe and reassure someone else with the presence/confirmation of my own feelings and interest. i have no idea. when i look around… i see some mixed-ass messages. yes, he’s here a lot, but that could easily be for himself more than for the specific people here. alternately, for one of us but not so much the other. I don’t know how to engage him in conversation and get it to fucking stick. more insecure parts of me are inclined to think that means he doesn’t see me as having similar enough interests or intelligence to have the kinds of conversations that he wants to have, or something like that. it doesn’t seem like m has the same difficulty keeping him occupied and engaged. i’m lucky if i can get an on-level response to a dirty text, like, once in a row. it sounds like he actually… actively propositions her even when she’s not trying at all. “he prefers something else.”
well, now i’m sad. i’m trying to figure out my plans for today. m hasn’t woken up quite yet, and once she does, it’ll be that much harder to do things for myself. if i wanted to go the escapism route, i’d go fuckin’ buy a coffee and drive somewhere at least an hour away. but i know how that goes… it’s…. not as helpful as all that unless i keep busy. too easy to make it about whatever i’m escaping, with a thick helping of nostalgia over the top d/t wherever I decided to go lick my wounds. my perceived wounds.
i will be amused if this actually turns out to be a bit of a weird love triangle. like, even though we’re all together, each person is turned more towards one and away from the other, and none of us meeting anyone else’s eyes.
the other option is to try to stick it out, finally do the brewery thing with m, invite r along since he’s always asking about “the next adventure”, and do something kinda new and scary… by which i mean driving in the city to pick him up, lmao. i guess the street parking and city driving is more novel than any of the other parts. it sounds exciting, but that’s probably only because of the prospect of r coming along.
i have work i should be doing, anyway. laundry and healthcare and various educational prospects.
how about let’s start by getting a local copy of some recently purchased music, eh, dipshit?