I feel sad but can’t cry. Heart hurts a little.
today R + I started playing a game that I suggested. It’s very simple. The only rule is no touching. The only exceptions are (1) accidental/innocuous brushes in places where it’s hard to avoid, and (2) high fives.
it sounded super fun and hot, and kinda has been at times. I’m… having a hard time. the thing about us not constantly fucking is that all the other areas i’m less good at come to the front. like talking. like knowing myself. like boundarying. like being a worthwhile person at fucking all.
i really like him… might even love him? but don’t feel like a good fit. i don’t feel like it works well when we’re not getting physical, often. sometimes theoretical debates go well, sometimes discussions of literature or music if i happen to already know it. shit, though, this ALWAYS happens. if I come home late/last, or leave them to their own devices, they’ll always be in M’s room, talking, and having these SUPER in-depth conversations that R and I never get around to. and now that the “no touching” rule is instated…. it’s easier to see that it’s not because we’re just distracted from those things, like M said it might be. it’s because I fucking suck at bringing that out in people, and she doesn’t. she has so many people who like her and like talking to her and want to share things with her, and I don’t. even at my best, my most interested and excited (if the two can be conflated), I don’t get that out of people. I wish I did. I don’t, I haven’t, I don’t know how. I’ve been paying attention for so long but it only ever comes out in brief spurts that don’t go anywhere. how can i do so little and be so inattentive/bad at all of it?
and now… talking about this, i’m too aware of all the potential audience members. cq. m + r. i feel i’ve grossly overestimated my emotional intelligence/maturity. it makes sense on some level–I’ve spent so much of my adult life taking care of her and paying attention to her, not myself. actively avoiding growth in some ways, for fear of her taking it from me sometimes, just for fear of being seen other times i guess. whatever the various reasons, i haven’t been doing it. i probably shouldn’t put so much emphasis on the causes, just on the fact that i’m doing it/it’s happening. so fucking change something.
and thennnnnn my next thought was comparison to r and his 8 years of not dating. that i am not currently a worthwhile person and it’s too hard to work on becoming one while also giving other ppl my time.
if only being by myself made it any easier to do the things.
but no, there were specifics i should try to remember. m got to fucking talk on the phone with his mom! and apparently she wants to meet both of us, like, a lot. i feel so fucking worthless.
then during our game… i was just…. really bad at talking. and i don’t feel like i was a good partner for it. i didn’t give as good as i got, and i feel bad about it. from the start, i was wearing an outfit that was supposed to be sexy and enticing and make things difficult, but not really be the main thing, you know? i had intentions to whisper in his ear, make noise, talk dirty, really any kind of banter. well guess what i didn’t plan and didn’t work on anything beforehand and i came up empty during. shocking! and then he was asking thoughtful questions, like, how i want to be dommed when i lose, and what my sexual proclivities are …. then proceeded to list off a bunch of different ways he could dom me. as dirty and delicious as it was to hear him list them, the contents of that list went in one ear and out the other. all i can remember of it is the last one, to be toyed with. even that one i fucked up; he inquired further, trying to get me to do the talking instead of filling in the blanks for me (like a smart, balanced, reasonable person) and my answer was something about being the toy? and he was like oh, i wouldn’t do that, whatever hangup he has about Real Objectification coming through again. Still not sure where that line is.
that was another thing. we were sitting on the couch with the bear between us and talking about…. no idea what led up to this, actually. but something made him say “you would understand if you’d read Paradise Lost” and my teasing response “you haven’t read it to me yet!” because i thought we’d made plans to read it SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE HE TALKED TO *ME* ABOUT LIKING TO READ IT AND I SAID I REALLY LIKED HIS VOICE AND WOULD LOVE TO HEAR HIM READ IT, then when he brought it over and was practicing it, it became clear that he was only interested in reading it if M was also involved. Practicing it quietly by himself, which became audible speech when she entered the room (I was already sitting on the couch), then stopped completely when she left. Bitch, she wasn’t interested or relevant, I was. I feel kind of awful.
if I have leftover… uh… shit what was i talking about
i should’ve straight-up asked him if he would read it to me.
i should figure out answers to his questions, because better late than never. what *do* I want, sexually or otherwise, hmm? I want to be a more worthwhile person, but that desire doesn’t count. i’ll… probably write that in my notebook, bc I don’t trust this blog to keep me safe.
did any of this exorcise anything… ? i’m still going to do the same thing tomorrow. if i were going to wake up a more worthwhile person tmrw, i’d get up with my alarm, pick out my clothes, make breakfast (just eggs), broccoli, banana, and yogurt, and mexican quinoa. Probably have to wake m up to confirm where I’m delivering her. I could maybe work a little on healthcare shit. or trace parts of the logo for tmrw.
time to sleep alone and sad by my own choosing