hey, did I call it, or did I call it? OR did I set myself up to fail by not thinking shit through/giving myself enough space/some bullshit i have yet to grasp?
Yeah. Things were okay this morning. Then I responded in the group thread w/everyone trying to do a parody of romance novel boilerplate, thought I was being funny, but then….. ~oh no~ no approval from the people (person) I wanted it from. and THEN he comes back with something way the fuck better. I had no idea he could write like that, honestly, and my reaction is to feel… intimidated and insecure. something like “if i’m not the best, then you aren’t going to give a shit about me.” which kinda sums up my feelings of insecurity in general, and the only thing saving me from living my entire life in this valley of chest-constricting, self-isolation-causing pain is… the fact that M somehow isn’t romantically interested and is low-energy. if she were interested and available, i wouldn’t have a fucking chance at your attention. been over this before, pardon my freshest mental iteration. how the fuck does someone like you want to spend time with someone like me? it’s just that you don’t have anything better going on, and as soon as something comes along, you’re gone. i wish i were better at talking to you, asking questions, putting things together, figuring out what you like, being reliably funny…. being my own person.
it really would be easier to be a real person, to be centered and slightly cleverer and more thoughtful, if i had my own internal life first. that hasn’t rly been happening lately. super cool how subsistence tasks expand to fill all available time.
he apparently thinks i’m ~suuuuper~ funny, also. how the fuck? when?? sparingly at best.
I started drinking as soon as I got home, and now I can’t get back into the upset. should I? maybe i’m just really bad at vulnerability. … if i’m already this drunk, it’s going to be hard to be productive. ugh i don’t want to be sober though
it really….. got to me, to not understand what he’s talking about. dissociation is a good excuse for not being a person, but shit, i just haven’t DONE anything in years. the only thing i remember improving about myself recently, in a long-term way and not just a cramming way, is my meager amount of current work experience. writing, playing music… they’re things i used to do, and i was good enough for THAT time period, for THAT age, but then I didn’t do anything with them, and now I’m behind, and it feels like I could never possibly “catch up” or be where I’m supposed to be.
the great news is i’m actually worthless
maybe sometime soon my driver’s license will expire and they’ll send me a new one with the address that matches my current residence, and then i can buy a thing to kms
if i could internalize something like “i am alone and nothing lasts forever” maybe i would be better off, by which i mean “better at handling this”… so fucking stupid. i’m so fucking stupid. how do i move forward with all of this. it’s only 7. i could still go to the library. still read stupid books.
i hate myself and i’m really bad at getting better pls send help
if i were better at being a person slash being polyam, i would be better at sitting with my feelings and maybe even thinking them through
i’m too drunk to keep trying to write this rn, although i will say–Irish Trees by Niall Mac Coitir has said very little about trees in Irish mythology + folklore so far, and mostly just been the author’s strong but unsourced opinions about Irish history/how certain histories should be interpreted? i really need to get past the introduction, but first, i gotta get through the introduction.
maybe i should apply for that job I just saw
maybe i should figure out a halloween ‘stume