Month: December 2017

what a fucking weekend.

r has been here since thursday, more or less. When he asked about hanging out that day, I felt sad at the time bc he hadn’t been texting me hardly at all and I felt very unwanted and like things weren’t working. More specifically, he went from texting very frequently  about sex at the end of a week-long denial thing  leading up to me domming him, to being very hard to hold a conversation with. Anyway, I was also coming down with a cold that day, so I tried to beg out by using that as an excuse–especially since he didn’t even ask to come over to see me, he asked to come hang out at our place to play video games instead!–but he took it as a “need soup?” kind of thing where he could make it easier for us to hang out. and i didn’t fight him on it. (that soup was fucking delicious and hearty, btw. I’m eating some of the leftovers from that right now.)

he stayed over that night (stayed on the couch bc of my coughing, said “goodnight love” when I was going to bed) and came back the following night, Friday night, purportedly to “swing by” and get his earbuds. when I arrived, it became clear it was slightly more than one swing, since he was playing his new video game. I spent maybe 30-45 minutes agonizing over how best to corral everyone for the night, and messaging M about it. Then she got it in her head (apparently based on a misinterpretation of something I said, a misinterpretation that I should probably correct) that I was unhappy and uncomfortable with some kind of overarching, general dynamic between her, me, and R. All I meant was that everyone else seemed very “whatever” that night, and I didn’t want to try and fail to be the glue trying to make everyone enjoy an activity that I picked for the night if no one else was going to care or try or want to be there. ANYWAY. M interpreted it as she did, and as a result, decided Friday was the night to have her talk with R to let him know she wasn’t interested in him romantically. Or.. however she phrased it. Couldn’t do romo with him right now.

She told him to stay put, and I proceeded to have a very awkward/guilty/unhappy time as I bundled up to leave the apartment and let them talk alone, fielding questions from him like “is M all right?” and other related shit I don’t remember. At the end, I basically told him I had an idea of what she wanted to talk about, but didn’t want to get up in their business, and tried to apologize for being bad at knowing how to talk about this. Like, shit, is there any way to have this dynamic, where I have more knowledge of partner A than does partner B, about things that partner B wants to know/are going to directly affect partner B very soon? It was really difficult to talk about without either feeling like I was lying to him, or like I was very obviously skirting giving him bad/unpleasant news. And the obviousness is… it feels like it almost defeats the purpose of trying to set the boundary, doesn’t it? Like because I’m refusing to tell him, that probably means it’s bad news, so I’m still actually telling him SOMETHING and then he gets to just sit and marinate in the unknown bad thing, knowing I could have told him more. uguhhghhhh. Buuuut he actually handled it well? Seemed appreciative of me communicating as I did, and not more apprehensive as a result.

I left to go look at holiday lights and drink in the city in the dark. I had barely made it to my intended destination before he texted saying he “rediscovered booze” and wasn’t going to be able to make it home tonight like he’d planned. Not surprising in and of itself. Heh, oh, and before that… I was using Spotify to listen to music on my phone, but about 4 stops away from my transfer, the music suddenly stopped, and the app started telling me what was playing on the dining room speaker. “This Magic Moment” – Lou Reed. Looked up the lyrics because despite my boundary-ing earlier, I’m a nosy, insecure bitch. Felt… hurt. Started thinking the usual shit about how he likes her way more than me, how I don’t really know him and he doesn’t share much with me/I don’t bring out his desire to share things like this, etc. Tried to make myself look away, sort of succeeded but then Spotify started giving me fucking notifs for the Hamilton mixtape. Fucking shit. I didn’t really know what to make of that, aside from that they probably weren’t talking as much and he was still hanging around/hadn’t left in sadness/upset of some sort.

After he started texting, I started drinking. I walked somewhere quiet in the bowels of the park where no one else could see me and I had a shit view of the city, and pulled out my flask. Tried over and over to imagine how things were going to go from here on out, what I should say or expect, how to try not to be a dick or sad/desperate about it. Then… he texted to say they were getting along and would be happy to have me come back. First, I cried from relief and pent-up anxiety. Then, I drank a bunch more and walked around my old neighborhood, thinking about my feelings and about them. It was cold and beautiful out. I walked all the way to the cemetery and sneaked in to drink, only to get scared off by a group of raccoons. lol. by then it was like 11 pm anyway, so I opted to head back home. when I got in, they were cuddling! on the couch. and watching bojack, and there was pizza. i joined them, feeling kinda unsure and alone. ate 3 slices of pizza. was very drunk and tired. r left at some point to go sleep in my room. m and i stayed out until maybe 1:40, then she tucked me in and left for her room too. i was asleep out on the couch until like 4:30, when R came out to trade me places. slowly. 😛 apparently he was awake and cuddling me until i left for my room–i have no idea how long that was, and it’s so weird that he was awake while i was asleep. usually he’s better at sleeping than i am. dammit, i wanted to come in and cuddle you. i think. i was just scared and tired and trying not to be a selfish dick about anything at the time, to just pay attention.

woke up around 8 the next morning, totally unable to go back to sleep. laid there trying to think about things, but didn’t get v far before r also woke up and came in to cuddle/sleep more/say hey. at least he came in. i was on point that morning. funny and felt like i had things to say. he asked… heh. he asked at one point if there was anything i needed from him and i gave my stupid general answer, something like “if you like me and like spending time with me, that’s what’s important.” i… want to talk to him about things more specifically than that, but I guess I’m waiting for myself to figure out the parts that should actually be on him and not me. Some of it is just me being insecure, and that’s not necessarily on him? What tools can I give him to communicate his end of things better with me, if he so chooses? What’s helpful/necessary to communicate with him about this, and what’s too much?

I feel insecure a lot of the time, and it’s not that I want him to spend more time on me irl or through texting, necessarily–after a weekend together I’m usually super ready to do something else, ASIDE FROM this super fucking inconvenient sadness that overwhelms me and spills out multiple times in a day during his absence and brings me back to thinking about him. like I’m doing now. What reassurance could he possibly offer? How is it his fault that I’m always expecting now to be the beginning of the end? What words, what behavior could plug that hole?

heh, well. today it didn’t help that  last night he was like “weh let’s do this tomorrow morning instead” when i wanted to fuck, and then this morning he paid a little bit of lip service to us fucking but i wasn’t ready bc I was still eating breakfast/dealing with my cold, then when he realized how late it was, wanted to get up and leave immediately. Except for he didn’t leave for another two hours, just hanging out reading on his phone around Eric and M. This is probably totally that thing in couples where if you have unlimited access to one thing, you get bored of it. sorry i’m boring you. sorry i’m super fucking attracted to you all the time and turned on around you at the drop of a hat. sorry i can’t live up to all the porn you consume. i want to learn how to be a better dom, want to be sharper and better at dirty talk, better at making up scenes and pushing your buttons, but…. if you’re not into me, working hard to be a better lover isn’t gonna do shit. if you’re tired of sex with me, your appetite for novelty is going to outpace my ability to learn and implement new things, at least for a while. i can see getting to a point where novelty itself comes easier to me, spontaneity is smoother, etc. but hell, this is so…. adhd brain of him. he’s seeking stimulation. i’m veering into conjecture and blame. i still feel hurt and sad and alone. he hasn’t said shit since leaving today, and i don’t know if it’s because he went home and took a nap, or if he’s playing Running With Rifles some more, or if he’s visiting his grandmother, or if he’s doing drugs, but….. when he’s not around, he doesn’t think about me much. adhd brain. seeking stimulation. onto the next thing.

it would be easier to deal with that if i felt like he wanted me when he *was* around. i don’t know if he gets as much out of being around me as I get out of being around him, and it makes it harder that he says things that sound so Big and then it turns out he was just feeling something in the moment and spoke his mind and it doesn’t actually apply later.

still didn’t actually finish recounting the weekend.

woke up saturday. hung out w/him in bed until like 10 or 11. got up, had breakfast soup and m even came out to say hey and eat soup with us. he started gaming after food…. i was…. not sure what to do. ended up cleaning my room and making a blanket fort, then washing my face and doing skincare and makeup until like 5. people started arriving around 6. i started drinking. monster factory until k showed up super late, then we all went to fred meyer. r stayed sober to drive. the trip took way longer than expected bc m had a bunch of trouble with her cards and ended up not being able to buy everything she expected. by the time we came back, it was 10 or 11. made burgers, ate them, r immediately went to bed, i didn’t really care to hang out but stayed until k left. we were playing rock band. not like… a terrible night, but god, i wasn’t feeling it. my whole life feels like meaningless bullshit right now. i’m not doing anything worthwhile, or not enough worthwhile things, so the things i want to enjoy are hollowed out, filled with unrelated “should”s.

my entire life by myself feels like a bunch of unmet expectations rn, honestly. if i could cut my hair, shower, wrap presents, and do one interesting/unique/non-subsistence thing on top of all that…. i might be satisfied for the night. it’s only 7, it’s not unfeasible.

now it’s 7:20.

P.S. 1) originally posted dec. 17, 2017, at 7:17 PM. 2) just wanted to add that after taking a nap this afternoon (to avoid my deep sadness), I kinda get one way how sleep and adhd might go well together. it definitely sets off some feel-good chemicals of some sort or another.

Several things are weird about me doing this right now: a different machine, not about to fall asleep at some ungodly hour, trying to vomit my feelings out. Things are… okay, for the moment. Pretty survivable.

Shit’s still going on with R. I’m… in love with him. He has said that he doesn’t think he’s ever been in love in his entire life/isn’t sure what love is, and that I’m very important to him. and when I asked him if he still wanted to spend time with me, in response to something he said about that, not an actual acute insecurity but he was concerned about how something or other in this conversation would affect me, or something? and so i asked him that as a lead-in, like, this is what’s important to me. Yesterday was a lot of real conversations, actually, all things considered. We also managed to fit in a  decent slice each of drinking, cooking, and fucking.

Even after all that, I feel insecure. All the things he’s said he feels about me could be platonic-ish or him fooling himself. I’m getting to the point where I don’t think he’d be actively dishonest about things with me, so that’s something, but…I have a hard time with it when we text less than we used to, and less enthusiastically like half the time, and sex is starting to be less novel. I’m afraid he will be tired of me soon, or like, the parts of me that are big and essential, like wanting frequent attention and physical affection. I think he does enjoy having me around for weekend “adventures”.

it’s been occurring to me that my main issue is… not thinking enough. it bridges a lot of different aspects of myself that I don’t like or want to improve. compassion and less shittiness toward m? maybe take a hot minute and think about where she’s coming from and how she feels. as opposed to, you know, popping off at her immediately and divisively like i did last week. seeing r think about and talk about things helped me realize how shitty a job I was doing in that regard. he actually gave himself time to think about the thing and come to conclusions based on logic, not emotion. AND IT TOOK TIME AND THAT WAS OKAY. God. I have a really hard time not just…. running wild with the first draft of anything that I think. I’m good enough to skate by with that in a lot of situations, but this is a skill I should have been developing. “this skill.” fucking THINKING.

hell, maybe if I worked on general/various iterations of this, it would bleed over into making resumes and cover letters less time-consuming. what a bunch of hypotheticals, huh xP god that would be nice, though.

taking the time is necessary for memory and developing opinions on things, too. it had already occurred to me that my memories of things that happened in junior high and high school were reinforced by (1) writing them in my xanga, and (2) rereading those posts occasionally.

it also occurs to me that it’s kinda really difficult to have the necessary time to think about ALL the things when I’m so wrapped up in this relationship. it consumes so much of my time, and it’s so worth it, but then there’s nothing else unless I make there be something else.

but then… what if it just kinda always sucks and is time-consuming? like. I’ve always struggled with quick responses to texts when I’m not suuuuper familiar + comfortable with the other person, and when I’m not struggling, it’s because I feel more comfortable not bothering to increase/filter the quality of the text. 🙁 I want to believe that it’s a muscle that I can realistically improve.

and see, right now rather than Thinking About Things, I’m talking about thinking about things. or thinking about thinking about things. metacognition.

so, what do I want to think about? “everything and nothing” comes the reply. good lord, I suck at this.

I’ve had that tab open in my phone abt compassion meditation to try to feel closer to M at least half a year now. that’s a form of the Thing. she’s been exhausted and dealing with a lot lately. despite all of it, she still puts on a good face for me and wants to be sweet and providing. and thoughtful. but it’s hard on her, and it shows. and despite how she feels (or doesn’t) about r, she still tries to show up and be nice and participate. i don’t know if i could manage to be that nice if i felt that hesitant, but heh, having your girlfriend be super into the person you kinda want to set a new boundary with probably doesn’t make that easy. revision: when the person you want romantic space from is dating your girlfriend, who is super into the person, it’s an extra level of difficulty. at least, for someone as thoughtful and guilt-prone as m.

(unrelated: whatever that advice was about building outfits/a closet was totally on point. i kinda accidentally already a color palette in a few items, and now that I’m paying attention to it…. it kinda really does make it easier to make outfits from a limited color selection.)

I also wonder how much of this is related to depersonalization. I know it’s at least part, I keep thinking of the “letting go” that happened maybe 6 months after.. some of my thought patterns, my judgments and self-awareness, I just let it drop.

coworker with a new baby. I never said welcome back or congrats.

looks like I’m gonna be super tired and conk out after all.