Several things are weird about me doing this right now: a different machine, not about to fall asleep at some ungodly hour, trying to vomit my feelings out. Things are… okay, for the moment. Pretty survivable.
Shit’s still going on with R. I’m… in love with him. He has said that he doesn’t think he’s ever been in love in his entire life/isn’t sure what love is, and that I’m very important to him. and when I asked him if he still wanted to spend time with me, in response to something he said about that, not an actual acute insecurity but he was concerned about how something or other in this conversation would affect me, or something? and so i asked him that as a lead-in, like, this is what’s important to me. Yesterday was a lot of real conversations, actually, all things considered. We also managed to fit in a decent slice each of drinking, cooking, and fucking.
Even after all that, I feel insecure. All the things he’s said he feels about me could be platonic-ish or him fooling himself. I’m getting to the point where I don’t think he’d be actively dishonest about things with me, so that’s something, but…I have a hard time with it when we text less than we used to, and less enthusiastically like half the time, and sex is starting to be less novel. I’m afraid he will be tired of me soon, or like, the parts of me that are big and essential, like wanting frequent attention and physical affection. I think he does enjoy having me around for weekend “adventures”.
it’s been occurring to me that my main issue is… not thinking enough. it bridges a lot of different aspects of myself that I don’t like or want to improve. compassion and less shittiness toward m? maybe take a hot minute and think about where she’s coming from and how she feels. as opposed to, you know, popping off at her immediately and divisively like i did last week. seeing r think about and talk about things helped me realize how shitty a job I was doing in that regard. he actually gave himself time to think about the thing and come to conclusions based on logic, not emotion. AND IT TOOK TIME AND THAT WAS OKAY. God. I have a really hard time not just…. running wild with the first draft of anything that I think. I’m good enough to skate by with that in a lot of situations, but this is a skill I should have been developing. “this skill.” fucking THINKING.
hell, maybe if I worked on general/various iterations of this, it would bleed over into making resumes and cover letters less time-consuming. what a bunch of hypotheticals, huh xP god that would be nice, though.
taking the time is necessary for memory and developing opinions on things, too. it had already occurred to me that my memories of things that happened in junior high and high school were reinforced by (1) writing them in my xanga, and (2) rereading those posts occasionally.
it also occurs to me that it’s kinda really difficult to have the necessary time to think about ALL the things when I’m so wrapped up in this relationship. it consumes so much of my time, and it’s so worth it, but then there’s nothing else unless I make there be something else.
but then… what if it just kinda always sucks and is time-consuming? like. I’ve always struggled with quick responses to texts when I’m not suuuuper familiar + comfortable with the other person, and when I’m not struggling, it’s because I feel more comfortable not bothering to increase/filter the quality of the text. 🙁 I want to believe that it’s a muscle that I can realistically improve.
and see, right now rather than Thinking About Things, I’m talking about thinking about things. or thinking about thinking about things. metacognition.
so, what do I want to think about? “everything and nothing” comes the reply. good lord, I suck at this.
I’ve had that tab open in my phone abt compassion meditation to try to feel closer to M at least half a year now. that’s a form of the Thing. she’s been exhausted and dealing with a lot lately. despite all of it, she still puts on a good face for me and wants to be sweet and providing. and thoughtful. but it’s hard on her, and it shows. and despite how she feels (or doesn’t) about r, she still tries to show up and be nice and participate. i don’t know if i could manage to be that nice if i felt that hesitant, but heh, having your girlfriend be super into the person you kinda want to set a new boundary with probably doesn’t make that easy. revision: when the person you want romantic space from is dating your girlfriend, who is super into the person, it’s an extra level of difficulty. at least, for someone as thoughtful and guilt-prone as m.
(unrelated: whatever that advice was about building outfits/a closet was totally on point. i kinda accidentally already a color palette in a few items, and now that I’m paying attention to it…. it kinda really does make it easier to make outfits from a limited color selection.)
I also wonder how much of this is related to depersonalization. I know it’s at least part, I keep thinking of the “letting go” that happened maybe 6 months after.. some of my thought patterns, my judgments and self-awareness, I just let it drop.
coworker with a new baby. I never said welcome back or congrats.
looks like I’m gonna be super tired and conk out after all.