i’m surprised. I didn’t think it had been this long since I was on here, but…. it’s been over a month. and the last thing i did was a draft that I forgot to publish until now.
i’ve been trying to work on the back end this weekend. it’s slow going, but i’m learning a little, so that’s cool. *waves at everyone out there on the internet who can see how vulnerable this blog is*
this morning, a long-forming thought finally coalesced for me. if i want to be a better… well, anything, but i was thinking specifically of dommy things… I should probably find relevant porn. it’s weird, i feel resistant. it’s not something i’ve spent a lot of time looking at, and what i do see is generally pretty low-quality/free shit that… partly i feel guilty consuming through these sources because it means a sex worker isn’t getting paid for the shit they did, and partly it means i’m probably not living up to my own standards for consumption in that industry. if i have standards, which i would like to. shit tho, i… don’t have a whole lot of money. i love having health insurance and no money left with which to pay copays et cetera. Buuuuut yeah, like, obviously if I learn through imitation and seeing other people do/say the things, i should not only seek out materials to imitate/take ideas from, but also somehow record what I want to absorb. trusting that i’ll remember what i read in a smutty fic one time is just fake as hell. and… i hate that i see this emptiness in myself all the damn time, or not in myself so much as between me and the people i care about. Too often I don’t know what to say, or I don’t know how best to say it.
e.g. today I told R that I loved him for maybe the third time, and he didn’t say it back, and I wanted to say that I appreciated him not saying something he wasn’t feeling. but…. I just… didn’t. So many missed opportunities, and I never know when to say it after/outside that immediate context. even though I know if it were him, he wouldn’t have any problem bringing it up.
i wonder if it’s worth worrying about him not loving me. (yet?) like, maybe all my insecurities are somewhat vindicated. on the other hand, i get what it’s like to not have feelings v much. good for him for being honest about it instead of trying to be something else. And on the OTHER other hand, I know what it’s like to kinda be honest about a lack of feelings but still go along with whatever since it’s not like you care that hard, and….. to be attached in a way that’s very much out of comfort and a desire to not be alone, and ease of spending time around one another. when we have nights like last night, where we both feel like shit and just lie around trying to watch tv, i feel like it somehow means something greater about our relationship being doomed to fail, that we got stuck in that rut at all.
i guess i’m kind of scared, but also kind of…. expecting the worst already. or maybe not the worst, but the least. i don’t know what i have to offer you if we don’t talk (okay, that’s kind of a lie) and you don’t want to fuck (also kind of a lie) and i don’t excite you or give you good things to think about and we have… such… different life goals. i don’t want kids, and i don’t want to end up in some remote freezing cold place super far away from civilization. yes, sure, adoption or fostering maybe, but……………… i think i have a very different perspective on it than he does, and much less actual desire for it as a form of personally fulfillment. Surely I’m not the only one who sees this disconnect? I wish I were better at talking about it straight-up so that maybe I wouldn’t have to dwell in it all the damn time and not accomplish anything else ever in my entire life
my stomach feels full-ish, but i Want More Food In Me
“I don’t know why you like me” = “you and I don’t always appear to have common domestic goals” and “I’m so aware of my silence and failure to stimulate conversation how I want to, and think you must either be aware or have a reaction/judgment formed as a result of not receiving stimulation from me.” I’m…. not looking for comfort, I want to know you and have… realistic expectations for how we do or might fit together. So, in that context, I have all these clues and facts that can paint part of a picture, but without being totally sure what’s important to you or how you relate to your stated feelings, it could all mean… a lot less.
this weekend was nice, and kind of productive, but I wasn’t sure how it fit together for him and me. was it actually fulfilling for him? i didn’t go to the party on saturday night specifically bc i didn’t want to not see him for the rest of the weekend. i kind of missed the socialization, but… fuck. ugh. i’m always codependent like that. xP
the next morning. I hung out w/ m and e and ate indian food until I crashed around 11:30. I’m very sore from fucking/walking/swinging yesterday. R was…. texting a lot after 9 about how lonely he felt and how he wanted to come over and be in my bed/whatever, but never actually said “I miss you” or anything to make it sound like it was about me and what I do for him as a person, just… my presence helping make him less lonely. Also, jesus fucking christ, while I’m thinking of it–one of the things we talked about yesterday after CF was… well, *we* didn’t really talk about it, but at one point he was like, “sorry for [going after] your girlfriend” and “I was like a dog chasing a car, I wouldn’t really have known what to do with it once I got it” and I’m like…. isn’t that how crushes work? At least you pursued her, unlike me? I don’t feel like you’re excited about/interested in me the way you are/were her? I tried to ask him why he was apologizing for that, and why now… it honestly didn’t seem like it made much sense, at the time. it didn’t seem like the kind of thing he would apologize for, out of the blue. like it might have been intended as more of a conversation-starter or a way for him to try to talk about his feelings on the subject while also trying to give the appearance of considering my feelings. 😛 heh, you can see just how trusting i feel on this subject.
this is such a shitty dumb situation to be in. guessing at a dude’s feelings because i don’t know how to talk to him about it, and because i’m not sure if he has the eq to be aware if it is what i think it is, and/or if he would tell me if i talked to him about it. being in a relationship where i don’t trust that partner to have real feelings for me.
i remember when we were at the cabin w/his roommates and i got overwhelmed and broke down, i mentioned that I didn’t feel wanted, just like that, and his first response was incredulity. “Really?!” and then I had to clarify that I was talking about sex. Does that mean something, anything, enough?
I don’t know. I have to go.