Month: April 2018

my intestines are kinda mad at me. i think i was dehydrated for a few days and now my guts are just like? ? ???? ? ?? ? ? and cleaning-eating a bunch of dark chocolate when I got home today probably didn’t help that.

life shit is superficially good. i’m having a weird time of things. back to feeling insecure about r, I guess. I feel like I’m not sufficiently thoughtful/clever/socially and culturally aware/experienced in life in general to hold his attention. he still introduces me to music, but i feel like i’ve run dry. i sometimes become aware of doing this conversational thing where i… well. i just get comfortable, and I’m extra boring when I get comfortable like that. functional conversation, shitty in-the-moment commentary on my boring-ass life. thoughtless. I had one such occurrence of awareness today and was like “i should try to make him laugh” and then if his text is to believed, did so. I should do that more often. be thoughtful and like, engage him.

and be my own person rather than framing it as being enough “for him,” à la cq. maybe it’s getting easier, sometimes? maybe it’s not linear? I’ve been spending enough time with him lately that breaking through to the “oh shit, I NEED to be doing x and y for myself” is easier and more frequent.

m is…. weird. she seems like she’s going through some changes for the better, but still struggling and crashing a lot. and it’s interesting to see how she doesn’t default share everything with me anymore–although i have this sense that belligerent-drunk-melissa would immediately rebut that, saying how she ~WANTS~ to so much. not sure who to believe. it doesn’t help that she propositioned r last week while he was here during the days and never said a word about it to me. not like i feel owed a check-in about it, only that it fits the pre-existing pattern of her going around me when possible, as though i’m an obstacle, instead of talking to me (and/or r) to ask for what she wants. just try to slide by with the lowest amount of effort, other peoples’ feelings be damned. it feels shitty because…. she can totally get away with that kind of shit and there are things i share with her by virtue of living in the same space and both of us dating r (technically) that i don’t necessarily want to share but can’t really control at this point. like, shit, i’m not actually even sure how many people she’s had sex with recently, so that’s a whole other level of sharing.

i’m not sure how to keep myself alive without attention and affection from other people. i’m not enough.

maybe tomorrow i’ll do something that isn’t netflix

mm. this is exactly the song my ears wanted rn.

R just dropped me off on his way to work. I feel decent. Today was a lot better than yesterday. Work… idk, my sense was that some of the same vibes and silence were still around me. Not sure why it didn’t matter as much today. Maybe last night purged some of that shit. God, I did not sleep well after all that alcohol. I woke up so many different times and had this, like, constant low-level awareness of sounds even when sorta asleep. today *was* better, though. I had slightly more patience with my projects and had the opportunity to actually help train the new dude instead of skulking in the corner with all the garbage.

whatever. i came on here because r told me that m propositioned him when i was at work today, and we had an actual decent talk on the ride home. i wanted to try to preserve some of it. like… he has misgivings related to her potential current mental goings-on. he doesn’t think that them fucking will change anything (on his end) of all of our current dynamic. something about realizing the value of sex + emotional intimacy as a result of our relationship. wanting to check with me first and make sure i’m okay. god, it was really refreshing to have a calm, adult conversation about it. he was very thoughtful and a touch distracted. just…. refreshing. i get the sense that there’s some omission there of what he wants/is into. sad that m didn’t + hasn’t said anything, though. and that she did this thing again. waiting until i’m not around to do something without communicating to me about it, bc words are hard

things are okay for now. i hope that them fucking doesn’t turn into a Thing,

“I should be dead.”

Work today sucked. It sucked yesterday, too, and the day before. I wasn’t expecting L’s departure to have quite this much effect. Maybe it isn’t–maybe I’d still have quietly gotten here, but I think having a friend around at work would have been a good buffer for this bullshit.

I want to die. I… feel very alone and like I have no future. I don’t… I’m not sure why people at the office behave the way they do, but the impressions and vibes I get are not friendly. They are tolerant. And in the last few days, R has also been super absent while he plays Skyrim and shit. So I’m left more or less by myself for the first time in a while and I fucking hate myself. I don’t know why nobody likes me, why asking questions to make sure I do my job right is something to take personally, why it comes to this. I feel stupid and useless and helpless and tired. For the stupid work I do, I SHOULDN’T BE CRYING AT WORK. Something is wrong. Maybe it’s me. It seems like the common denominator. It’s certainly not everyone else being gigantic assholes or anything.

I’m sure the coincident timing of R’s absence doesn’t help. I… tried to talk to him about it yesterday and his response was “I was the last person who texted, so I’ve done my due diligence.” Bitch, I don’t want either of us to be the other’s due fucking diligence. Being in a relationship is not an obligation. If you or I don’t enjoy talking to each other…. what’s the point? I’d noticed the change in tone/content and frequency way before your last word, at times that aren’t attributable to Skyrim, so what fucking gives? You probably just fucking hate me. You probably have the same problem with me that everyone else does–namely, that I suck at talking to people and am boring as shit and worthless. I wish someone would tell me what they see wrong with me. Empty inside and out. I should be dead.

in conclusion here I am on this beautiful day, sobbing hard enough to give myself a headache and isolating myself from everything. Hopefully I drink enough to be unconscious soon.