mm. this is exactly the song my ears wanted rn.
R just dropped me off on his way to work. I feel decent. Today was a lot better than yesterday. Work… idk, my sense was that some of the same vibes and silence were still around me. Not sure why it didn’t matter as much today. Maybe last night purged some of that shit. God, I did not sleep well after all that alcohol. I woke up so many different times and had this, like, constant low-level awareness of sounds even when sorta asleep. today *was* better, though. I had slightly more patience with my projects and had the opportunity to actually help train the new dude instead of skulking in the corner with all the garbage.
whatever. i came on here because r told me that m propositioned him when i was at work today, and we had an actual decent talk on the ride home. i wanted to try to preserve some of it. like… he has misgivings related to her potential current mental goings-on. he doesn’t think that them fucking will change anything (on his end) of all of our current dynamic. something about realizing the value of sex + emotional intimacy as a result of our relationship. wanting to check with me first and make sure i’m okay. god, it was really refreshing to have a calm, adult conversation about it. he was very thoughtful and a touch distracted. just…. refreshing. i get the sense that there’s some omission there of what he wants/is into. sad that m didn’t + hasn’t said anything, though. and that she did this thing again. waiting until i’m not around to do something without communicating to me about it, bc words are hard
things are okay for now. i hope that them fucking doesn’t turn into a Thing,