my intestines are kinda mad at me. i think i was dehydrated for a few days and now my guts are just like? ? ???? ? ?? ? ? and cleaning-eating a bunch of dark chocolate when I got home today probably didn’t help that.
life shit is superficially good. i’m having a weird time of things. back to feeling insecure about r, I guess. I feel like I’m not sufficiently thoughtful/clever/socially and culturally aware/experienced in life in general to hold his attention. he still introduces me to music, but i feel like i’ve run dry. i sometimes become aware of doing this conversational thing where i… well. i just get comfortable, and I’m extra boring when I get comfortable like that. functional conversation, shitty in-the-moment commentary on my boring-ass life. thoughtless. I had one such occurrence of awareness today and was like “i should try to make him laugh” and then if his text is to believed, did so. I should do that more often. be thoughtful and like, engage him.
and be my own person rather than framing it as being enough “for him,” à la cq. maybe it’s getting easier, sometimes? maybe it’s not linear? I’ve been spending enough time with him lately that breaking through to the “oh shit, I NEED to be doing x and y for myself” is easier and more frequent.
m is…. weird. she seems like she’s going through some changes for the better, but still struggling and crashing a lot. and it’s interesting to see how she doesn’t default share everything with me anymore–although i have this sense that belligerent-drunk-melissa would immediately rebut that, saying how she ~WANTS~ to so much. not sure who to believe. it doesn’t help that she propositioned r last week while he was here during the days and never said a word about it to me. not like i feel owed a check-in about it, only that it fits the pre-existing pattern of her going around me when possible, as though i’m an obstacle, instead of talking to me (and/or r) to ask for what she wants. just try to slide by with the lowest amount of effort, other peoples’ feelings be damned. it feels shitty because…. she can totally get away with that kind of shit and there are things i share with her by virtue of living in the same space and both of us dating r (technically) that i don’t necessarily want to share but can’t really control at this point. like, shit, i’m not actually even sure how many people she’s had sex with recently, so that’s a whole other level of sharing.
i’m not sure how to keep myself alive without attention and affection from other people. i’m not enough.
maybe tomorrow i’ll do something that isn’t netflix