Month: July 2018

you know that thing I do where I live with M and share my life with her and then the things I share with her get ruined and fucked up and I can’t enjoy them/partake anymore bc it all becomes about her?

gueeessssss who, when given a few hours, deeply reconnected with M and spent the whole night angling to hang out with her even once I was around, then spent at least an hour playing APC and whispering lyrics hotly in her ear while variously playing with her

guess who, after that happened and I let him know I felt…. I think I said “frustrated” although maybe “sad” would have been more accurate and honest… brought up the same excuses as last time about being busy lately, and one new one about me being in his unfinished space at the new house a lot in the last few weeks?

my body is sore and I am Tired. these noodles are pretty alright with cabbage, jalapeño, and bbq pulled pork, but seriously, what’s the fucking point of me? nobody fucking likes or wants me except for my sometimes-wreck of a girlfriend, whom I don’t feel I can trust with much. (and then do anyway bc ~boundaries~ wooo)

I put a fair bit of effort and thought into this relationship. Trying to look cute and more femme, doing things to make R feel more welcome at our place and keep it nice, trying to show that I’m really into him through words and physical affection (more the latter these days, admittedly–thinking that he doesn’t want me makes it harder to be vulnerable and vocalize things), figuring out what he likes and what makes him laugh so I can try to deliver that, spending a lot of time on him. And Yet M is the one who gets his undivided, thoughtful and sexual attention for hours on end. M, the one who on any given night is just as likely to yell at him/us for the wind blowing the wrong way on her router. M, who in my experience isn’t that great in bed, you guys, are you all that into starfish who dry out after ten minutes. M, who has poor hygiene in ways that I find off-putting when in close contact with her.

Probably because (1) they still haven’t actually fucked ever and (2) he sees her as being decently hardcore/serious kinky.

I thought R was really emotionally mature compared to dudes I’ve been with before, and liked that he was capable of thinking about his own feelings and junk and would then do a good job of communicating his end of things directly and respectfully. it pushed me to hold myself to a higher standard in that area, honestly. And Yet it kind of looks like he’s doing the same thing as other guys, all of whom eat this Sexy Damaged Goods shit up. Even though we’ve totally complained to each other about her various issues. AND not only is he doing something like that, but he keeps trying to obfuscate. but I’m gonna go ahead and draw the parallels between this and the shit you say about being able to connect better to lana del rey’s love songs bc the relationships are often unhealthy. i’ve already been on that ride! If you need to explore that further for yourself, then fuck off and quit wasting my time! I’m so fucking over M’s bullshit dynamics!

so tired. so lonely. i miss you and want you, dummo. I wish i could believe you were telling the truth when you say nice things about me.

I know it’s not actually this black and white, but let me have my anger and hurt, dammit. I’ve spent too much of the past year hung up on this same worry, this same conversation, and am increasingly thinking I just need to…. adjust my expectations for which of my needs he’ll meet, and take responsibility for getting the rest met. whether that’s through opening up the relationship or this being a dealbreaker, just SOMETHING needs to change for me. I’m not willing to settle for never being touched by the person I love and not being made to feel attractive or like my needs are worth meeting. do you want this relationship? okay, so why all the excuses for not taking care of it properly?

I… need the energy to fold laundry and clean bills off my desk at the bare minimum x.x but still, honestly, if the immediate absence of some effort is enough of a reason to dismiss my feelings then fuck this shit, you know what I’m saying?

sffdfdjfjdghsd hey there

so tired. partly physical, because heat and new piercing, but partly also social/interpersonal tired. i kind of want to cry but don’t feel like i can. the door to my room is like 35º open because it’s hot and i don’t want to miss out on the ventilation, but it means i basically can’t tell if someone is gonna come in here until it’s too late to smoothly minimize, so I’ll have to close things quickly and crane my stupid cranky head around like a guilty teenager.

not sure if it’s this keyboard making me feel fast or if for some reason i’m decently okay at typing despite having done very little typing for a long time.

starting to tighten up other ends of my security, that feels decent.

r + m are watching a movie and being talkative. is it stupid that it hurt my feelings that he wanted to show her some porn or other on r/all and didn’t make any effort to include me? do… you even know what i like? it’s cute that you think you know me well enough to say that you know me “so well” when there are…. so many conversations we haven’t had. so many things i don’t feel like i can share with you without either being judged or just… not understood, and subsequently forgotten. maybe not “so many,” idk. enough for it to occur to me. my own fault for trying to be whatever i think other people will like.

i got an industrial piercing on thursday. that’s actually pretty fucking cool. like… it’s going to be a bitch to clean twice a day and to work around when changing clothes with smaller collars (heh) and not forget about/subsequently touch inappropriately but you guys. i’ve wanted this piercing since like ninth grade. at least. that’s when i have evidence, that i remember, of wanting it… a shitty mac equivalent of paint where i drew it in by hand using a laptop trackpad. because that’s just always been my level of narcissism. but hey according to the piercer, i have the “perfect shape” of ear for it. bc the fold on the inside is low enough to not get in the way of the bar connecting the two holes.

man. i might be faster than i’d expect on this keyboard, or perceive myself as faster or whatever, but i sure do make some mistakes.

but yeah, industrial. new coworkers wanted to do a piercing party, so we fucking did. i…. don’t fit in super great, but they’re nice. everything is exhausting and i often don’t feel good enough. my new supervisor, the one i interviewed with originally… i feel like i’m letting her down, or like she’s disappointed in me. but then maybe i’m reading too much into it and she’s just sad and tired and antisocial like me. maybe k is right and she’s secretly miserable here….

super good at getting off-track. i did this semi-permanent thing with my body that i’ve been thinking about forever, and i actually fucking like it and feel deeply satisfied when i see it there. it makes me feel like…. me. i had to buzz my sides to get it out of the way of the tender, bleeding-prone ear bits, and interestingly enough…. i don’t… it’s not the look i want, really? i want something more femme, which having the sides at 1″ helped with. keeping my hair longer makes the top of my head fluffier, making my fat jaw and jowls less noticeable, giving my face a more triangular shape.

i’ve been tired and overheated today to the point of feeling low-key ill. i hope it doesn’t continue. tiiiiime to soak my ear and be bored and sore for ten minutes tho

–

fuck, yeah. have you ever just sat there with your ear in a cup of lukewarm saline crying because you wish you were dead? do something new every day. by which i guess i technically mean you should combine old things in new ways to fool yourself into feeling like that shit is novel.

at least i had a little time to feel it by myself.

gotta make sure i bring the right shoes with me.

if i didn’t have to work tomorrow at 7:30, i would absolutely want to be alone. but i’m just trying to make things easier for future-me. I’m sorry.

is this really going to work for me? he’s nice, and funny, and considerate, and perceptive, and we share a lot of interests… but so often i feel like he’s not interested in me, and i don’t like the ways i feel judged. and i don’t entirely know what he really wants his future to look like. i think we share an interest in shared/communal living spaces. i think he very much wants to be a dad. whether biological or not, i’m not totally sure. he wants to go back to school. would that take him away from the irl presence that makes this work for me? neither of us is super great at long-distance stuff with each other, it usually ends up being a break of sorts.

and…. totally aside from putting all this on him….. in the last week, we’ve had a lot of time together after work bc i’ve been staying with him. it’s… probably a bit early to judge, but tbh it was kind of boring. kiiiind of dull. we were both having a hard time being up in each other’s space like that for extended periods and knowing what to do with it. i have plenty of computer-based work i could be doing, but it’s really fucking hard to do computer-based anything at his place without feeling like i’m offending