sffdfdjfjdghsd hey there
so tired. partly physical, because heat and new piercing, but partly also social/interpersonal tired. i kind of want to cry but don’t feel like i can. the door to my room is like 35º open because it’s hot and i don’t want to miss out on the ventilation, but it means i basically can’t tell if someone is gonna come in here until it’s too late to smoothly minimize, so I’ll have to close things quickly and crane my stupid cranky head around like a guilty teenager.
not sure if it’s this keyboard making me feel fast or if for some reason i’m decently okay at typing despite having done very little typing for a long time.
starting to tighten up other ends of my security, that feels decent.
r + m are watching a movie and being talkative. is it stupid that it hurt my feelings that he wanted to show her some porn or other on r/all and didn’t make any effort to include me? do… you even know what i like? it’s cute that you think you know me well enough to say that you know me “so well” when there are…. so many conversations we haven’t had. so many things i don’t feel like i can share with you without either being judged or just… not understood, and subsequently forgotten. maybe not “so many,” idk. enough for it to occur to me. my own fault for trying to be whatever i think other people will like.
i got an industrial piercing on thursday. that’s actually pretty fucking cool. like… it’s going to be a bitch to clean twice a day and to work around when changing clothes with smaller collars (heh) and not forget about/subsequently touch inappropriately but you guys. i’ve wanted this piercing since like ninth grade. at least. that’s when i have evidence, that i remember, of wanting it… a shitty mac equivalent of paint where i drew it in by hand using a laptop trackpad. because that’s just always been my level of narcissism. but hey according to the piercer, i have the “perfect shape” of ear for it. bc the fold on the inside is low enough to not get in the way of the bar connecting the two holes.
man. i might be faster than i’d expect on this keyboard, or perceive myself as faster or whatever, but i sure do make some mistakes.
but yeah, industrial. new coworkers wanted to do a piercing party, so we fucking did. i…. don’t fit in super great, but they’re nice. everything is exhausting and i often don’t feel good enough. my new supervisor, the one i interviewed with originally… i feel like i’m letting her down, or like she’s disappointed in me. but then maybe i’m reading too much into it and she’s just sad and tired and antisocial like me. maybe k is right and she’s secretly miserable here….
super good at getting off-track. i did this semi-permanent thing with my body that i’ve been thinking about forever, and i actually fucking like it and feel deeply satisfied when i see it there. it makes me feel like…. me. i had to buzz my sides to get it out of the way of the tender, bleeding-prone ear bits, and interestingly enough…. i don’t… it’s not the look i want, really? i want something more femme, which having the sides at 1″ helped with. keeping my hair longer makes the top of my head fluffier, making my fat jaw and jowls less noticeable, giving my face a more triangular shape.
i’ve been tired and overheated today to the point of feeling low-key ill. i hope it doesn’t continue. tiiiiime to soak my ear and be bored and sore for ten minutes tho
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fuck, yeah. have you ever just sat there with your ear in a cup of lukewarm saline crying because you wish you were dead? do something new every day. by which i guess i technically mean you should combine old things in new ways to fool yourself into feeling like that shit is novel.
at least i had a little time to feel it by myself.
gotta make sure i bring the right shoes with me.
if i didn’t have to work tomorrow at 7:30, i would absolutely want to be alone. but i’m just trying to make things easier for future-me. I’m sorry.
is this really going to work for me? he’s nice, and funny, and considerate, and perceptive, and we share a lot of interests… but so often i feel like he’s not interested in me, and i don’t like the ways i feel judged. and i don’t entirely know what he really wants his future to look like. i think we share an interest in shared/communal living spaces. i think he very much wants to be a dad. whether biological or not, i’m not totally sure. he wants to go back to school. would that take him away from the irl presence that makes this work for me? neither of us is super great at long-distance stuff with each other, it usually ends up being a break of sorts.
and…. totally aside from putting all this on him….. in the last week, we’ve had a lot of time together after work bc i’ve been staying with him. it’s… probably a bit early to judge, but tbh it was kind of boring. kiiiind of dull. we were both having a hard time being up in each other’s space like that for extended periods and knowing what to do with it. i have plenty of computer-based work i could be doing, but it’s really fucking hard to do computer-based anything at his place without feeling like i’m offending