you know that thing I do where I live with M and share my life with her and then the things I share with her get ruined and fucked up and I can’t enjoy them/partake anymore bc it all becomes about her?
gueeessssss who, when given a few hours, deeply reconnected with M and spent the whole night angling to hang out with her even once I was around, then spent at least an hour playing APC and whispering lyrics hotly in her ear while variously playing with her
guess who, after that happened and I let him know I felt…. I think I said “frustrated” although maybe “sad” would have been more accurate and honest… brought up the same excuses as last time about being busy lately, and one new one about me being in his unfinished space at the new house a lot in the last few weeks?
my body is sore and I am Tired. these noodles are pretty alright with cabbage, jalapeño, and bbq pulled pork, but seriously, what’s the fucking point of me? nobody fucking likes or wants me except for my sometimes-wreck of a girlfriend, whom I don’t feel I can trust with much. (and then do anyway bc ~boundaries~ wooo)
I put a fair bit of effort and thought into this relationship. Trying to look cute and more femme, doing things to make R feel more welcome at our place and keep it nice, trying to show that I’m really into him through words and physical affection (more the latter these days, admittedly–thinking that he doesn’t want me makes it harder to be vulnerable and vocalize things), figuring out what he likes and what makes him laugh so I can try to deliver that, spending a lot of time on him. And Yet M is the one who gets his undivided, thoughtful and sexual attention for hours on end. M, the one who on any given night is just as likely to yell at him/us for the wind blowing the wrong way on her router. M, who in my experience isn’t that great in bed, you guys, are you all that into starfish who dry out after ten minutes. M, who has poor hygiene in ways that I find off-putting when in close contact with her.
Probably because (1) they still haven’t actually fucked ever and (2) he sees her as being decently hardcore/serious kinky.
I thought R was really emotionally mature compared to dudes I’ve been with before, and liked that he was capable of thinking about his own feelings and junk and would then do a good job of communicating his end of things directly and respectfully. it pushed me to hold myself to a higher standard in that area, honestly. And Yet it kind of looks like he’s doing the same thing as other guys, all of whom eat this Sexy Damaged Goods shit up. Even though we’ve totally complained to each other about her various issues. AND not only is he doing something like that, but he keeps trying to obfuscate. but I’m gonna go ahead and draw the parallels between this and the shit you say about being able to connect better to lana del rey’s love songs bc the relationships are often unhealthy. i’ve already been on that ride! If you need to explore that further for yourself, then fuck off and quit wasting my time! I’m so fucking over M’s bullshit dynamics!
so tired. so lonely. i miss you and want you, dummo. I wish i could believe you were telling the truth when you say nice things about me.
I know it’s not actually this black and white, but let me have my anger and hurt, dammit. I’ve spent too much of the past year hung up on this same worry, this same conversation, and am increasingly thinking I just need to…. adjust my expectations for which of my needs he’ll meet, and take responsibility for getting the rest met. whether that’s through opening up the relationship or this being a dealbreaker, just SOMETHING needs to change for me. I’m not willing to settle for never being touched by the person I love and not being made to feel attractive or like my needs are worth meeting. do you want this relationship? okay, so why all the excuses for not taking care of it properly?
I… need the energy to fold laundry and clean bills off my desk at the bare minimum x.x but still, honestly, if the immediate absence of some effort is enough of a reason to dismiss my feelings then fuck this shit, you know what I’m saying?