Month: August 2018

Is this just my “bitch about my boyfriend” zone now? Ugh.

Feeling conflicted over our interactions today. I was feeling myself and sent him a bunch of gifs. I thought they were all pretty great and well done. Literally no response to the sexual aspect, and instead he fixated on the part that was supposed to be funny, the inclusion of my mint sheep plush in one selfie, and turned it into a pseudo-rejection, “not in front of the stuffed animal”-style.

I don’t get it. I don’t understand why he would respond that way if he feels about me the way he claims to. Even when I’m not personally super rowdy, receiving something personal, sexy, and well done can persuade me to feel otherwise OR AT LEAST I fucking appreciate it aesthetically. Not this weak bullshit.

So yeah, I’m kinda frustrated… again. But then, at the same time…. do I have a right to be? Am I taking this too personally? He doesn’t owe me sex. He doesn’t owe me any given feeling at any given moment, and he was actually trying to get work done that day. Maybe it was just a lower priority than trying to bust ass on a project. BUT other texts he was totally fine to respond to, and he even sent the group thread a link to some bbc article right around the same time as I was sending gifs.

So yeah, that shit is useless, and I’m tired and feel disconnected from R. The least I can do is try to get some rest for tomorrow and be prepared to own some production tasks. do i text asking for confirmation of receipt/that one of us isn’t missing messages along the way?

i feel bad for wanting to bring this up again. it’s like, every damn week, you know?

i would lurve to find a therapist.

hey radio: be less crunchy

things are better/more normal than the last time I wrote on here. this keyboard is such a fucking pleasure to type on, regardless of content. I took a break from R this weekend and did my own shit. despite my attempts to imbue all communications about the break with affection and clear intentions, he wound up thinking I was going to break up with him. like… I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t crossed my mind, but I wouldn’t. I love him and want to be with him and haven’t yet completely worn myself out asking him to meet my needs. as a bonus, both nights since the end of the break we’ve been boning down for actual reasonable amounts of time. I worry that it’s just going in the same direction, like, one conversation and done, old habits. how can I avert that train? maybe by staying here tonight i guess, so i’m not exhausted tmrw. he’s probably not going to be able to get it up again tonight anyway since I accidentally let him cum this morning. tch. For real though, it’s been so fucking nice to spend time with him and actually have his attention instead of feeling like a forgotten comfort object–he would notice if I wasn’t there, but was too busy to give me his time and attention even if I was always around, always available.

it would be good if I would actually point more things out to him in the moment, if it occurs to me, I think. I generally try to assume good intentions/that it’ll sort itself out and not be a big deal rather than jumping on little individual things, is why i have trouble with that. BUT the good news is my new insurance starts today! So now I have no excuse for not finding a therapist. … *promptly goes to do other things*

pokemon and makeup are p good reasons not to find one just yet. i would be totally into making a mindmap kind of thing for potential future therapists tho. at what point is therapy w/another person not helpful?  /points