hey iTunes, I didn’t fucking ask you to open. fuck off
ah. my successfully getting settled after eating breakfast, making coffee for the both of us, and grabbing earbuds as an afterthought has summoned an awake boyfriend. fuck that, too, i guess.
i have to figure out a way to be more constructive about feeling sexually frustrated. i can see a little bit that it’s not something to take personally… I guess… it’s complicated. it feels like it takes him effort and thoughtfulness to direct his sexuality at me. he’s happy to cuddle and give/receive certain kinds of touch, but like… anything intense, esp. anything penetrative, immediately starts the countdown timer to him leaving for whatever reason. hungry, bathroom, call parents, whatever. i think today i managed to be getting what i wanted for a solid sixty seconds before he had to leave.
extra frustrating, he signed us both up for a get-together at his relatives’ house where i’m not going to know anyone and probably won’t have that much in common with them. i didn’t fare well making small talk at the wedding and i’m not going to magically do better this time. it’s more obvious that i’m failing at small talk when i don’t have vials of blood in my hands as an excuse.
do i ever do anything with my free writing time except bitch about not getting laid or loved enough? I believe he has good intentions, but…maybe that doesn’t have much to do with it.
I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I don’t make people laugh. there’s a lack of curiosity and reciprocity in like… most/all of my scant relationships. and that’s probably my fault or my responsibility.
i started trying to budget in january. so far it’s been kind of tough. at first it was bc medical debt, but i took care of that by the end of january. now it’s like… i run out of money too quickly because i don’t leave a space cushion for upcoming bills, i guess? there’s a discrepancy between the number in my bank account and the number on my excel sheet and if i ignore it too well, then i’m kind of fucked. i put some towards paying off my credit card and have recently been using that credit card to tide me over to the next paycheck, because i’m a fucking worthless dumbass with no money. at least i’ve done a better job of not leaning on rideshare stuff to get to work on time. also, i’ve been late to work three times this week. this week…. hasn’t been great. you would think getting out of work earlier would make a difference, but…. because of the weather, i’ve been depending on R a *lot* to do anything or be anywhere. which is nice sometimes, i like spending time with him, but then i start getting my hopes up that he might actually be interested in sex and get silently corrected.
you know what’s even better with this failure to budget? ever since ces earlier this year, i’ve been paying attention to new laptops. this one’s ten years old. i miss being able to trust my hardware like i could back then. pretty cool that customizable backlighting is even more of a thing on laptops now, though.
i’m also really tired of this new fat on my body getting in the way of being flexible how i’m used to. bending, turning, looking, reaching, wearing clothes–it’s all subtly different. true, it doesn’t induce that same dysphoria as it did in like 2016 of wanting to rub my skin off my body and scream-cry, but like…. i guess i’m not all there with fatness. still want to do/be the impossible. depressing how much of a difference one year of my life has made.
i don’t want to go to this stupid party and waste half of my only weekend day. i want to go home where my makeup was actually finally delivered yesterday, and put all of it on my face and be sparkly and left alone to do whatever the fuck i want.
also i would like a million dollars and a pony. wehhhhhh