Month: March 2019

this weekend may not have looked like much from the outside, but it doesn’t feel too terrible from the inside.

friday night, i talked to r about his offhand comment the night before about probably wanting kids. he said he isn’t worried about it bc it’s so far out and something about believing he and i will be able to talk it out. i hope that isn’t just him finding a smooth, clever way to say he’s expecting me to change my mind as i get older. like…. shit, dude. things overall are getting better, i think, like…. i have been on various insecurity merry-go-rounds enough times, and talked to him about related things enough times, that i actually kind of have a rational sense of the situation in addition to my many feelings. It’s a start. And tbh, hearing him talk about our future like “we can work this out” was pretty powerful for me even if he meant it to be casual and off-handed. Like, I don’t actually usually know if he’s thinking about a future with me, esp in the middle of catastrophizing. (GOD i was so depressive on friday, coworker friend definitely noticed and I felt bad for dragging her down… literally just imagining the end of a relationship that could happen as soon as that night, and making the accompanying plans to kms) for whatever reason, i really took it to heart when he implied it w/his phrasing this time. i hope i’m not taking it too far and somehow setting myself up for disappointment/realizing he didn’t actually mean it Like That. so yeah uh obviously the era of deep insecurity preventing me from being fully present, real, and process-y isn’t over, but since that little talk i’ve been holyfucksomuchhappierandmoreenergetic. I didn’t realize what a difference it would make in other ways, even though of course it would, but like… is my cleaning ethic a valid measure of my wellbeing? I cleaned the kitchen at home 3x after various meals and left it better than it was at the beginning of the weekend, and cleaned r’s room tonight but MMMM guess that should be in a different chunk.

saturday: naturally woke up early, had a long, slow morning where r watched tv and m was out of the house. Took my first shower in maybe a week. Kind of thinking about the utility and safety of at-home laser hair removal. got coffee and walked to the water, then went home and grabbed tennis stuff, and r suffered to teach me a bit more about hitting the ball properly at all. watched the sun set from the swings, then walked home and had ahi tuna steaks and cabbage salad for dinner. saw pulp fiction for the first time. i counted two band names inspired by the film? it was pretty good. dozed on the couch until midnight-ish, heard m come home, went to bed.

today: tried to get up early to go north so r could take his meds on schedule, didn’t quite succeed bc i decided to put on makeup. dumbass. cuddled in bed all morning, got up to help r make a green smoothie and ended up cleaning the kitchen sinks, counters, toaster, and blender. felt good man. oo, and i guess that counts as another thing i up and cleaned this weekend. fuck yeah. r left for more tennis and family things, i spent the afternoon on my computer. i think at first… i paid rent and bought some makeup in order to get the free trial size Tatcha. i’ve been doing a terrible job following my budget and it’s like Whoops Here It Goes Again. my brain is just always like, “what can we just barely get away with? this won’t go over the limit of times per month i can transfer from savings, right??” ugh. then i got on video chat with m and potential roomie friends to discuss potential future house. decent convo, went well-ish. i could see myself living with them, would just for sure want my own space. not sure how i feel about cats on my couch. 🙁 also, recounting it to r just now makes me realize i have follow-up questions. m needs to communicate her preferences more proactively. t seems like they might be more….. assertive in un-constructive ways. bossy might be a strong word. more like… wants to get what they want without considering others’ needs or considering that anyone else might want the same and have reasons for it… and like, have earned it, i mean. ugh i don’t have good words that aren’t super wordy.

anyway. had that call, took like two hours, kept looking at housing during/after call, walked over to have dinner with my family at a restaurant nearby. sometimes i feel like my parents are lonely and i’m doing a bad job of being their kid.

came home, cleaned r’s room, made myself some tea, did pt. been blogging while wearing his snapback and a muscle tank. kinda silly.

i’ve been….. not accomplishing a lot outside of work (or inside, ofc). i would be interested in looking at other jobs, doing more to improve my ability to work out, scheduling dr appts and therapy for when i have days off during the week soon. i could use some help, but will probably have forgotten what to ask by the time i’m actually in a place that can help me.

i feel loved. i feel hopeful-ish. wonder how long it will last.

tell me what information i’m missing, then. bc right now, my context looks a lot like this:

you became physically entangled with me and my gf around the same time. i know there was a certain amount of chat and text predating physical stuff b/t you and her, which makes a difference. m and i share things, so of course i saw a lot of these texts–threads full of innuendo and more than innuendo. i’ve seen what you’re capable of when interested, when flirting. somehow that never really got turned on me for more than a few seconds at a time. how am i supposed to feel when i tried so hard to get your attention, to point my sexuality at you and have any response in kind, and failed? how am i supposed to feel when my more risqué selfies get literally the barest acknowledgment, but if she says or texts anything with potential to double entendre, you’re ALL the fuck over it? That tells me that you think of her in a certain way that you don’t think of me. That you don’t want to think of me. How does trying and failing to get you interested in doing things for me, by doing things to excite and pleasure you, fit into you wanting me? I can’t remember the last time you said you wanted me that was outside of one of these stupid, tearful conversations. “conversations”

i can’t say i’ve ever gotten the idea that you had this “problem” before in relationships. am i wrong, or does it just happen to just be me?

am i just… bad to talk to in this way just like every other way? yeah. i should kms when i get the chance to not be a burden to my family anymore.

love it when a show is short enough that i can watch it end-to-end in one sit. love natasha lyonne. love watching people interact successfully. Imagine being able to talk to people that freely and effortlessly, that deeply, let alone being able to fucking WRITE IT. what the fuck?! Please show me how to be a person. Also, props on your soundtrack. That was actually fun.

nah, i know. I have to like…. put a lot of personal effort into things to absorb them and be able to spit them out in conversation. and probably have to change my perspective to be more about real connection and having knowledge to share and shit instead of “spitting them out” at the right time, i don’t know.

Dude. Last week fucking DRAGGED ON. Coworker and I were complaining about this all week. We got out early due to… sometimes slow evenings, sometimes mostly due to desperation at our circumstances. I can tell she’s kind of tired of me, that we’re not really friends even though we get along and can share shit…. it’s that same vibe of girls who are willing to walk all over me but use me while i’m there if they have nothing better to do. I remember this from other times when i had friend groups aside from family + partners. …. why? when did I fail to set boundaries or somehow nonverbally communicate that this was something ppl should do to me?

the time warp was unpleasant for both her and me, at the least, maybe for others too. there was a lot of joking about killing ourselves. #hemlocktalk? kay. then in the evenings…. there’s been drinking pretty much every night since tuesday. and i’ve been pretty straightforward with r about how shitty i’ve felt, if not all the causes. probably in part because as always, I am worrying at his libido like a… you know 😉 so by the end of the day, i feel frustrated with him as part of marinating in this all day.

he might not have known, actually, until i said something directly, that i think about death and dying as an actual (if unlikely and far-off) solution to my life. it sounds like he lost some sleep over my well-being on the night on which i just happened to mention specifically that i wanted to not exist, die, etc. it actually wasn’t my intent at all, i was just trying to be honest, not to get a reaction… i wasn’t expecting a reaction. or if a reaction, then not in that direction. is it stupid that i still feel like despite the show of affection and concern and desire on his part to do something to help me, it’s still not enough, because he won’t fuck me like i want? like, part of that night was waking up halfway at some point to find him holding me to him tightly and like… talking to me, variously. one of the things he said was “i’m sorry i’m not fucking you constantly” which i mean, obviously hyperbolic, but it didn’t seem like he was trying to be funny with it. i don’t get this whole situation, if i can believe the sentiment in that statement. what happened? less than a year ago, …. wait. that was a year and a half ago lmao. a year and a half ago you were so, so sexual and down all the time. and even still when it’s things that don’t involve me, you’re ready to go pretty damn quickly. what is this?? you don’t strike me as having some complex or setup for dysfunction. it’s so, so hard not to feel like this reflects on your interest in/attraction to me. is it even fucking possible that it’s not? even after all this, i can’t. even thinking about all this, i can’t believe that. it literally doesn’t seem possible. after all our conversations on this subject, and after that fairly convincing night/subsequent days of concern and increased attention, my brain somehow can’t fathom that you actually might…. want me. despite all the lack of penetrative sex. seriously though, the opting for manual all the time instead of oral or penetrative seems like a distancing technique. and when we do fuck, it’s so short and then you pull out once and it’s over. ughhhhhhhh it doesn’t feel like it adds up.

and HEY since i haven’t passed out by this point in the post (what a treat!) I can try to get into the other angle on this shit: M. her long-time best friend and her partner are planning to move here around the time our lease is up. housing could really switch the fuck up for a lot of people i know later this year, except it’s a lot of moving parts, and a LOT of unknowns. and…. with all this Eric shit, i don’t even know dude. i wouldn’t put it past you to be reading this, so hey u. is it projecting or some shit to think it looks like you’re not in love with him? like yeah, you often choose to spend time with people who make it easy for you to spend time with them (weed) and you’re a very empathetic person who tends to take emotional responsibility for the people around you and try to insert yourself into their shit to try to help. except that what this guy wants is your entire life? and i’m not sure you actually want to share it with him to that extent? i was just thinking about this earlier today while cleaning the kitchen… that’s the bitch of monogamy. so many people who could have meaningful connections along a spectrum (and here i’m thinking more of an emission spectrum than a single dot on a single, widthless line) but because of mono-normative shit, we have all these connections in our lives that have to be all or nothing. if they fail to be one, we have to try the other. it’s fucking bullshit. it would be much better if we all worked on communicating what worked and what didn’t and like…. letting shit be as it is if it didn’t work. that doesn’t have to be the end of your entire relationship with a person. EXCEPT THAT’S HOW IT GETS TREATED IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS A LOT OF THE TIME.

but hey, what do i know? maybe you’re really fucking happy with him and just haven’t bothered telling me any of the happy parts. and don’t get me wrong, i’m not begrudging you any of the hypothetical happy parts if so. 1) you deserve some dick, 2) i know how consuming relationships can be for both of us lmao. just… it seems like this guy throws tantrums to capture your attention, and then you don’t check your phone on weekends because of how he might react? and when he talks about taking steps toward marriage you freak the fuck out and give bullshit excuses?

are you even capable of getting yourself out of this situation? do you want to yet? it’s probably too late to get rid of the emotional side of things and keep the dick. assuming that’s what you want.

putting aside those hypothetical things that i might like to say to m. i have felt very lonely and alone this week and wished to be dead many, many times. i feel like i have no future with anyone and no capability of making a better future by myself without these questionable current relationships. seriously, r, it bothers the fuck out of me that you don’t want to. but yeah literally without these scant few relationships i have nothing, i haven’t done anything to improve myself in so long. i should go buy myself some healthcare professionals. or buy a gun. after i pay off my debts, write a will, and maybe even save up enough for funeral expenses.

ah, here’s the sleepies. that’s my cue.