this weekend may not have looked like much from the outside, but it doesn’t feel too terrible from the inside.
friday night, i talked to r about his offhand comment the night before about probably wanting kids. he said he isn’t worried about it bc it’s so far out and something about believing he and i will be able to talk it out. i hope that isn’t just him finding a smooth, clever way to say he’s expecting me to change my mind as i get older. like…. shit, dude. things overall are getting better, i think, like…. i have been on various insecurity merry-go-rounds enough times, and talked to him about related things enough times, that i actually kind of have a rational sense of the situation in addition to my many feelings. It’s a start. And tbh, hearing him talk about our future like “we can work this out” was pretty powerful for me even if he meant it to be casual and off-handed. Like, I don’t actually usually know if he’s thinking about a future with me, esp in the middle of catastrophizing. (GOD i was so depressive on friday, coworker friend definitely noticed and I felt bad for dragging her down… literally just imagining the end of a relationship that could happen as soon as that night, and making the accompanying plans to kms) for whatever reason, i really took it to heart when he implied it w/his phrasing this time. i hope i’m not taking it too far and somehow setting myself up for disappointment/realizing he didn’t actually mean it Like That. so yeah uh obviously the era of deep insecurity preventing me from being fully present, real, and process-y isn’t over, but since that little talk i’ve been holyfucksomuchhappierandmoreenergetic. I didn’t realize what a difference it would make in other ways, even though of course it would, but like… is my cleaning ethic a valid measure of my wellbeing? I cleaned the kitchen at home 3x after various meals and left it better than it was at the beginning of the weekend, and cleaned r’s room tonight but MMMM guess that should be in a different chunk.
saturday: naturally woke up early, had a long, slow morning where r watched tv and m was out of the house. Took my first shower in maybe a week. Kind of thinking about the utility and safety of at-home laser hair removal. got coffee and walked to the water, then went home and grabbed tennis stuff, and r suffered to teach me a bit more about hitting the ball properly at all. watched the sun set from the swings, then walked home and had ahi tuna steaks and cabbage salad for dinner. saw pulp fiction for the first time. i counted two band names inspired by the film? it was pretty good. dozed on the couch until midnight-ish, heard m come home, went to bed.
today: tried to get up early to go north so r could take his meds on schedule, didn’t quite succeed bc i decided to put on makeup. dumbass. cuddled in bed all morning, got up to help r make a green smoothie and ended up cleaning the kitchen sinks, counters, toaster, and blender. felt good man. oo, and i guess that counts as another thing i up and cleaned this weekend. fuck yeah. r left for more tennis and family things, i spent the afternoon on my computer. i think at first… i paid rent and bought some makeup in order to get the free trial size Tatcha. i’ve been doing a terrible job following my budget and it’s like Whoops Here It Goes Again. my brain is just always like, “what can we just barely get away with? this won’t go over the limit of times per month i can transfer from savings, right??” ugh. then i got on video chat with m and potential roomie friends to discuss potential future house. decent convo, went well-ish. i could see myself living with them, would just for sure want my own space. not sure how i feel about cats on my couch. 🙁 also, recounting it to r just now makes me realize i have follow-up questions. m needs to communicate her preferences more proactively. t seems like they might be more….. assertive in un-constructive ways. bossy might be a strong word. more like… wants to get what they want without considering others’ needs or considering that anyone else might want the same and have reasons for it… and like, have earned it, i mean. ugh i don’t have good words that aren’t super wordy.
anyway. had that call, took like two hours, kept looking at housing during/after call, walked over to have dinner with my family at a restaurant nearby. sometimes i feel like my parents are lonely and i’m doing a bad job of being their kid.
came home, cleaned r’s room, made myself some tea, did pt. been blogging while wearing his snapback and a muscle tank. kinda silly.
i’ve been….. not accomplishing a lot outside of work (or inside, ofc). i would be interested in looking at other jobs, doing more to improve my ability to work out, scheduling dr appts and therapy for when i have days off during the week soon. i could use some help, but will probably have forgotten what to ask by the time i’m actually in a place that can help me.
i feel loved. i feel hopeful-ish. wonder how long it will last.