Month: July 2019

I had Very Much Many dreams last night. I’m always really happy when I remember my dreams, pretty much regardless of content.

One of the earliest parts I remember was… sibling, M, and I were part of a vocal jazz ensemble… I think? Or some kind of performance group that didn’t have instruments. We had these kinda ridiculous uniforms provided us, short-sleeve button-up shirts and pull-on pants made out of low-stretch crushed velvet or like synthetic/cheap/fake velvet. Panne? And ALL IN BLUE. A very medium, strong blue, slightly lighter and teal-er than primary. You could probably call it “ocean blue,” I guess? So yeah, we all had these uniforms, and we had a little bit of time before the performance so everyone was meandering around the premises (this part kind of looked like high school iirc, but only kind of–the front hall area, satin white walls and dark floors, tall and completely empty) and not really keeping track of time. Suddenly it was time to be up on stage already, with everyone scattered around…. but I might not have known that at the time in the dream? In the dream, I might’ve been like oh shit, what if it’s just me that was losing track of time and failing to put on my shitty blue velvet uniform before our scheduled time to perform? But then I got to the stage kinda half-pulling my uniform on, and it became apparent that other people had opted not to put their uniforms on and look professional in other ways, and that the group was still getting organized before starting to perform.

Later on in the night, there was another snippet about M. She and Harmony were sitting inside a tall freezer with no shelving inside, running their hands through piles of frozen meat products (about a pound or two each, individually vacuum-sealed in plastic squares) to loosely scoop them up and let them fall from their hands as a way of searching through all the meats for something. They were doing this to help Kyle, who wasn’t there. But yeah…. this weird standalone bookshelf/closet-sized freezer with the doors open and both of them sitting inside, sifting through frozen meat. That’s literally the only image that stayed with me from that part. I am not sure what it means.

Next, another snippet… there were two predators and one prey animal. Idr whether the predators were the zebras and the prey was a leopard of some sort, or vice versa. I do remember thinking that you could tell the predator animal was the for-sure, true natural predator of the prey bc they both had white and black stripes. Normal dream logic. The predators were creeping up on the prey, but before they could reach it, I had decided to scare them off if not kill them. Independent of me doing anything, some kind of machinery came through and uh… flattened the first predator in front of me. It was like it was supposed to cut it but messed something up and just squonched it instead. I then went after the second predator by… dual-wielding what I think were like giant Hitachi magic wands. Not plugged into anything, not vibrating, and I used them like clubs to bop both sides of the second predator’s head until it fell to the ground, presumably unconscious but not dead.

The dream I remember most narratively came last. I was buying weed from a store, but the store was in this really weird, decrepit structure that looked like a house in places/at times, and at other places/times, looked like a kindergarten, or a shitty indoor mall. I got to experience a lot of these places and times bc for a while I wasn’t buying weed from the guy at the counter, I was running through all these empty spaces trying to keep space between me and a large spider. It was a very fast spider, and large enough that I could hear each leg tapping on the floor or wall as it scuttled around. Early on, I noticed that it had been painted with yellow stripes and the yellow number 969896, or 96896, across its abdomen that was somehow big enough for this to legibly fit. At some point in the dream that was less visual, I was talking to my mom about this and she fucking recognized the spider and was like “yeah my siblings and I actually painted that number on that spider way back in the day” like wtf ok???? After having that convo w her, though, the dream transitioned away from me being able to hear the plat-plat-plat of little legs running everywhere i went. I finally went to the counter and bought some weed from a guy who seemed really depressed and tired but nice. It was in a white cardboard box, which he set to the side while I was paying. The payment transaction thing was weird… I just had to hold my debit card up to this greyscale flatscreen tablet thing that had an enlarged vector-style mockup of a payment card, that as soon as I held my card up, started spinning through different card number combinations on the mockup. When it landed on some actual numbers, it didn’t match mine. But that was apparently fine and normal, so the sad guy went to grab my box of weed, and discovered it wasn’t where he’d put it. He and I searched around for a while, until this guy in the back of the store said he took it. I walked over to him. He was already smoking his own joint, he didn’t take the box to use any of the weed. He said he took it because I and someone else cut him in line for something earlier. (I don’t remember this happening in the dream, but I still believed him in the dream.) He was talking about something related to that for a little while longer, but I was distracted by the contents of the box… there were these long, thin things that were maybe supposed to be joints that were dimly glowing at the end. I tried to tap firmly on the glow to put them out, but one in particular responded to this by flaring up more, until it was so bright that the only thing I could do was inhale to not lose the entire stick to fire instead of smoking. So I was now smoking one of my “joints” next to this guy, and became aware that somehow I’d rolled it myself (having no dream recollection of this) and I was really bad at it, so it was about a foot long and floppy and crinkly, and also kind of damp. It is possible that it was rolled in a moist corn tortilla rather than papers. I had to support it with both hands while taking a hit. AND YET the guy seeing this who had his own j still wanted to swap hits with me and didn’t say anything about the shit quality of mine.

And then I woke up at 9:12, because my sleep schedule fuckin sucks. I don’t have a clue how I’m going to deal with the earlier shift next week.

dear wp what the fuck is up with line breaks and starting to type on a new line, i promise my keyboard did not magically go anywhere

yesterday was kind of exhausting, both bc of the weather and bc of a long conversation with R in the evening. even though i’ve been feeling better about our sex life, it’s not because there’s been an increase in physical intimacy; i was just able to adjust my expectations and not take it personally/feel insecure all the time. it ended up coming to a head again yesterday bc i feel like he’s really been dropping the ball on playing with my body in ways that I’ve told him are sexual for me, and that usually elicit obvious sexual responses, but without any sexual intent on his part, just to be like…. hehe tits funy… which would be totally cool and fine if it was just a sometimes thing, but it’s like… multiple times daily, and combined with not getting laid, makes me feel frustrated and sad. so we talked about that again and he apologized a lot and acknowledged that he hasn’t been working on it as much as he said he would last time we talked. I didn’t really feel that much better by the end but at least he was able to identify specific things that he CAN work on, should he choose to work on it. it’s not a dealbreaker… yet. there’s a lot of other stuff in our relationship that I love and that makes me happy.

there’s a lot of room cleaning and setup i could be doing today. i hope it happens.

oh, also worth noting–i finally scheduled a doctor’s appointment for myself, literally days before a year since the disastrou$ urgent care visit. fucking hell. i wonder if i’ll have time to address everything i want to w/them. the receptionist wanted me to give him a quick rundown of things i’d like to discuss at my appointment and internally i was like uhhhhhhhhh we’re in a fucking lobby i don’t feel comfortable sharing these things with you or with anyone else in earshot but externally gave him a couple things that let him connect my records from previous visits, so that’s good and useful and important. maybe next time i’ll actually stick up for myself lmao. now if i can just get set up with a therapist maybe shit will start to get better for me

maybe less worth noting, but i actually finally threw some money at an important cause. it’s pathetic that that’s progress for me, but I’ve done a shit job of donating or taking literally any action before this, so .. i figure i should maybe record that i did it so i can keep that shit rolling.

oh oh now i’m remembering more! i got a 10% raise at work. which is still uh hmmm a little more than half of the median income here. but STILL ten percent is a lot oh shit and i need to figure out 401k stuff. uhghghghgh anyway i like my supervisor and why yes that does incentivize me to stay and also feel better about staying. eheheh i wonder how much of a raise my shitty coworker is getting when his time comes

c’mon let’s doooo todayyyyyyyy