oh no, i can’t scroll down from this huge header until i have a chunky paragraph here. that’s gonna take a while.
it’s been a while. again. things are pretty really good rn. i’ve been busy due to moving. i wish i felt comfortable sharing more about the place… i live in a house instead of an apartment now, and it’s one that i found for everyone, and new roomies are better than i feared so far. m and sibling are there and it’s….. surprisingly easy so far. maybe it’s just a honeymoon phase. aside from the ugly color they painted the walls before we got here, i really fucking like it. my room is coming together. i stayed up until 1:40 the other night putting things in place. i’m going to get a queen bed if i can find decent parts on craigslist.
moving is wrapping up to the point now that i…. feel like i can relax. and feeling like i can relax at all feels like… i’m basically done. it’s like, what now? even though there are things to do, there’s this whiplash of everything-to-nothing.
it occurs to me pretty quickly to do other things. like, now i can be a person and move forward with my life. i have a way better commute from the new place. i have time to make food and do things on coursera and idk, apply for jobs, become a person who makes a living wage and doesn’t have to keep this semi-shitty job forever? it could be worse. my rent is better here, also. although i’ll actually have to pay utilities here so that’ll probably make it add right back up. 😛
i don’t know what i want. most of what i know is that not trying is easier than trying. working on fucking… home decor is easier than learning a new trade. i have solarpunk dreams of self-sustaining queer community housing. knowing enough about …. permaculture farming/gardening, electricity, plumbing, animal keeping…. there could be ways to own land and not die in a variety of situations. survive and even thrive.
tomorrow i’ll be back in my own space. tomorrow i’ll have two days in a row of weekend. i could… cook more veggies. i could finish putting away toiletries. i could play some of the shit i bought on the steam summer sale. i could make ethernet cables and stick them up on the wall.
it all feels so pointless. i’m eating so…. over-richly. everything i do is a waste of time. maybe tomorrow after work i could actually schedule an appointment for primary care. 🙁 ghghhhhhg
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unrelated: things have been good with r. consistently good. i feel…. happy and calm. i feel like i’m lucky and in a honeymoon phase and this is the longest i’ve been in a reciprocally happy, sustainable, healthy relationship. we still don’t have as much sex as i might want, but it’s still… good and important and enjoyable. i worry that he wants to have kids and i don’t and it’s kind of stressful feeling like i can’t always talk to him about it but also like…. he’d be a good dad and also like maybe he actually sort of says what he means when he says he’s not there yet and so can’t make this decision yet?
m is… difficult to deal with when moving. helpless and useless sometimes, angry sometimes, nice and sweet other times. r doesn’t really get what i might see in my relationship w/ m still, although he really tries. dude, i hope things get better, but at the same time, i’m moving on with my life. i’m not passively waiting for the relationships in my life to get better. it’s complicated. i’m not giving up on u, but things…. are changing, for sure.
fuck, idk. bye