so i’m on bupropion now. the jury is still mostly out, but i want to document the effects so far.
days 2-4 i probably had some placebo effect shit going on. v talkative, energetic, although the events of that weekend may have contributed to energy levels.
every day so far i’ve noticed a mild headache within a few hours of taking it, and along with it/in the same time frame every day, my right lower lid tics frequently. it’s still doing it rn though, ten hours later.
less consistent but still uhh persistent, stomach pain. i started bleeding last thursday and took ibuprofen as is my wont, and i’m pretty sure i got an ulcer??? it hurt like fuck through yesterday basically, making it hard to wear tight waistbands and giving me strong spasm-y pain if I didn’t constantly find gentle foods to cram down my gullet. it was the worst at night, when i slept and was therefore not eating constantly. i’ve never had that reaction to ibuprofen before, and i didn’t even take as much ibuprofen as i usually do. nor was it combined with alcohol. i think this was the bupropion.
there’s only a few noticeable effects on my mood so far. one, my lows are more… energetic, more anxiety-flavored. i feel more like i might scream or do impulsive bad shit in those dips. otherwise, i don’t…… think this is the entire cure for me. i think a lot of my feeling unhappy, withdrawn, isolated etc comes from attitudes and experiences, not just a chemical imbalance. so it’s a good thing that the clinic called me yesterday to schedule a therapy-esque appointment… although it’s unclear if they offer a brief free meeting to see if it’s the right fit. it’s a great thing they called and said i have to call them back.
getting more sleep the last couple of days has also helped somewhat. I’m still tired in the afternoons when i get home from work, don’t get me wrong, but so far this week has been more manageable than previous. bonus: since i’m doing my best to stay awake after getting home, i’ve been making tiny baby ant steps towards actually doing things during daylight hours, rather than playing sdv out of fear? i folded my laundry this afternoon and wrote the above medication diary thing, so that’s…. part of what i wanted to do. need to do pt and walk places, and maybe work on cleaning off my desk a little more. i’d love it if i actually did more things before it got later…. i can’t believe i already got off work like three hours ago. jfc.
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things with r are sort of looking up. he keeps showing up and doing the work, showing that he wants to be there. sometimes i’m afraid that i don’t want to be there.
e.g. last night we had a “discussion” about whether covering viral stories detracts from “real journalism” and like. what i told him afterwards is that while i appreciate that we can talk about these things in an even tone and be civil about our disagreements, it still makes me feel less close to him. like, it’s exhausting, and if he’s judging journalists for caring about things in a way he thinks is wrong/wasteful, then…. I worry that I could be on that chopping block, that I’m defending myself in addition to these people. you know what was wasteful? having a whole drawn-out, extremely emotionally controlled and detached conversation about this shit. who cares if they reported on something you don’t care about? the news isn’t just for you.
sometimes now he’s actually even interested in engaging me sexually. it’s nice. when it seems like he’s genuinely interested, even a little, it makes me happy pretty much instantly. i’m not sure how much of that comes from him denying himself and forcibly redirecting that energy towards me. i don’t know how much of it is real or sustainable, or what’s really going on in his head on this front. but sometimes, it’s nice. that’s all.
the other thing that bothers me is that he keeps casually bringing up kids. i get nervous bc shit, i’ve been ruminating over this for how long now? i don’t want kids. i don’t want to spend my time on that. and every time i bring it up, he punts.
so yes, those are my worries. BUT at the same time… he cares about me. when i’m sad (and I’m sad a lot lately) he’s there for me and does things just to cheer me up. he’s sexy and smart and relatable. i mean shit, i get his attitude wrt the journalism thing. he’s self-aware in a way that i remember seeing in myself. and he is straightforward and loyal in ways i really fucking appreciate.
i want to be there for him, too. just… not at my expense, if he’s hoping a switch will flip in my uterus and i’ll just turn into a baby-craving mommy goblin, then we’re going to have a bad time. but anyway yeah, i think i could be doing more to be… fun and asking good questions, continuing to get to know him, helping him out with cleaning the mess i create at his place, finding cute internet shit to show him, supporting him w his health goals, taking care of myself so i can (secondarily) be a better partner.
guess i could uh.. go work on that now
(look at me, publishing a post BEFORE falling asleep on it!)