holy shit, it’s hot out here. a full 5 degree difference between the bathroom and the living room. the kitchen must be Fucked Up rn.
long time, no see, bitches! I finally got around to tending the blog’s back-end and now i feel like I can post on here without feeling bad and unfinished about it. Order of operations.
update: the kitchen is, indeed, Fucked Up.
It’s funny looking at the most recent posts from a little over a year ago. I’ve really sucked at following up on those things, and am basically in the same place on them. My back is an issue. I don’t do pt exercises anymore bc of my back pain. and i don’t really exercise at all bc of my knee pain. it doesn’t feel great.
and wrt therapy, i basically ghosted the behavioral health person they gave me. shit was kinda helpful, but also like. very obviously short-term, and she didn’t give a shit about me, and was always late to the appt herself, and why would i spend money on that when i know i want a real therapeutic relationship?
today/this weekend has me thinking about therapy more seriously for the first time in a while. not sure if it’s just due to… personal milestones and interpersonal dynamics of late + bad brain, or what, but the last few days have been a genuinely bad episode of the ‘pression. like. crying the whole morning, can’t hardly do anything physical without it circulating sadness through my body like a bloodborne drug pumping faster with the additional exertion, withdrawn, convinced no one likes me and i’m worthless and shitty and should kms, taking anti-anxiety meds to be able to shut my brain up and sleep, the disconnect between appetite and physical fullness/emptiness of stomach… it came in waves and sometimes i thought it was getting better, but then interacting with r made it worse again. not enough space to myself, feeling directly lonely and unsatisfied w our relationship..
i talked to him about that again today. it’s like, a quarterly talk, or something like that. i handled it chiller than i sometimes do. i said i wanted to check in about our sex life, said there hasn’t been a lot of it going on lately, asked a couple of times for him to please tell me if he’s not interested in me sexually or something like that, bc i’m too young and cute to not be getting dicked down as much as i want.
his parts of the conversation were like…. he likes me, he loves me, he wants to want to bone down but doesn’t, he’s been preoccupied recently with work etc blah blah (there’s always something), he agrees that i should be getting uhh… i forget what he said exactly but getting laid as much as i want, essentially, and asked if we should talk about opening up the relationship. and also when he talked about it his phrasing was “catch some ‘b'” which i don’t know which that’s supposed to be???? bussy???????!? bone? balls? i really. don’t know. he also said he could be doing more to try to get in the sexy zone, like, thinking about it to get in the right mindset. he also… carefully phrased something about the future where like, the main uncertainty was “what to do about children” and the implication was that other than that, he felt… committed to our future? not in so many words, but just that that was the main obstacle he could see, and everything else was coo.
i also asked him about whether he felt kink was fundamental to his sexuality and like, a necessary component that should be worked w/ always, and he said not really, he considers it a separate thing bc it doesn’t jive with most of his other senses of identity and self and masculinity.
so like. that was a decently solid reassurance that no, he hasn’t just fallen out of love w/me or whatever, and he does still want to be with me, and isn’t just stringing me along because i’m “nice and easy to get along with” (my words). but like most of these convos, i’m left with feelings of reassurance and not much else. if it’s not a priority for u, nothing’s going to change.
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at least talking to him about it made me feel better and more motivated to have a regular day.
one of the other direct questions i asked was if it was me, specifically, that he was unattracted to and not excited by, and he said he couldn’t remember the last time he beat off. how is that even a thing? that’s not how sperm production works. that’s not how HE works.
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do you think i’ll ever get around to the ultimate therapy self-introduction mindmap?
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but like. difficult and repeated conversations aside, after reading how my self-improvement has been stalled or maybe even backsliding for at least a year in a lot of ways, I thought it might be nice to list how I’ve actually made some progress.
- I am better–not amazing, but more confident and self-reliant–at drawing blood.
- I am sometimes better at talking to R directly about things.
- I’ve started rediscovering some old interests this year. quarantining will do that, i guess. i think that maybe means that not living with m, not living with a bunch of anxious gays who have Dishwashing Trauma(TM) has been good for me. as much as i miss how much easier it is to talk to people (and not talk to them, heh.) but like…
- I’ve sewn some masks (fewer than I’d like but shhhh, I made 4 for my parents and that’s pretty good), I’ve taken apart some scrub pants that were too big for me and altered them to fit better (and now they’re this side of too tight lmfaooooo dammit) and am almost finished putting them back together–with pockets and an elastic/drawstring combo waistband!
- I also started thinking about Raspberry Pi projects… haven’t done much yet but am kinda excited to think about the possibilities, and spent a long time researching NAS setup options
- I’ve been slowly poking at drawing, although not as much practice as I probably need to in order to make good progress. but I’ve converted picture of drawing to line art and color art, which… however shitty it might be, it’s progress! xP
- I am getting better at makeup applications, i think. maybe not linearly, maybe not 100% consistency, but better.
- quarantining w R has forced me to get better at city driving. it’s a lot more of a time sink to avoid highways and main thoroughfares here. also…. definitely not parallel parking, but have gotten better at street parking wrt car proprioception and knowing how close i am to… well, lbr, mostly just to the curbs on this street. i don’t think that knowledge/sense of place transfers to other unfamiliar streets.
- i’ve really been working on my shrimp pad thai game lately, and it’s been paying off. really fucking delicious, serves a LOT of people. Maybe not the most authentic stuff tho. but it has tamarind and fish sauce so really it can’t be THAT bad, right?
- um. all of these are actually pretty recent. i don’t remember what i was working on before quarantimes, if anything… i guess it was a subtle slide from like february onward.
- and before february, i’d just gotten back from hawaii w/r’s family! we went for xmas and it was both just as magical as ppl said it would be and like, less magical bc it’s a real place full of real ppl and the after-effects of colonialism and y/t s/up//rem///acy (uh, does that do anything off of the tungle?) and also humidity is not my fave, but it is really good for skin apparently.
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it’s so fucking hot rn i’m losing my mind a little
i was gonna do things… like… shop a lil… wanna get rid of some phone tabs… fuck dude idr…
I need to figure out R birthday things. i want to do a trident cake and appa mask and meep mask and like. one more thing. but WHAT???? oh and also i want ppl to get together to make hand-ripped noodles and try to make spicy beef la men sauce! but i’m not sure when to text the group abt that….