trying to type while sinking into the middle of this old ass bed is…. ergonomic as fuck.
i rearranged r’s room yesterday… basically by myself. he helped move furniture around and then peaced to go drink bc apparently he, too, hates this kind of stuff. he and m really are similar sometimes. it was fucking frustrating and Too Much for me to do by myself and he was really snippy and short with me for no reason throughout. and then he wasn’t falling asleep easily last night so he ended up on the couch.
rrrrgghhh!! I feel so lonely and frustrated and trapped! I’m pretty sure that being here like this is still better than being at my place having to jump through five million hoops to breathe the same air as my bf, but right now… i could use some space to do things without feeling judged or performative or like i need to make myself smaller to accommodate other people’s feelings.
… so like, for some reason, I Feel You sounded like it was in a different key than i remembered, so I checked against the music video on youtube and sdgfjdlsk SO DORKY. Makes me feel like I’m in 11th grade again or some shit.
my bday was pretty cool. surprise luau (although secretly i overheard one of the housemates say something about a luau while walking past my window outside and i was like… hmmmmmmmm…) and r went to a LOT of effort to include my fam, my house, and a few friends around the city. kind of incredible. a lot of fun. kind of a lot for a work night.
i’m pretty proud of how i did for r’s bday. i made beef stock from marrow bones for the first time, and turned it into some kind of chili-heavy noodle soup…. it was rly good. i also made enough noodle dough for the house. and invited everyone to pull noodles the day of. and damn lemme tell you, making noodle dough is a good core workout. i also also made fake object cakes, like, the ones where it looks like a Thing, but then you cut into it and it’s cake on the inside! deception! hilarity! and yeah r was pretty baffled when we brought out 3 packs of spearmint gum with candles stuck down the sides to sing him happy birthday.
i did a lot and it was all very personal and special and also now i know how to make both bone broth AND some legit noodles. The secret? Time. If you can give the dough however much time it needs to relax, you can get where you want to dough, eventually.
during lockdown, i’ve been drinking less (surprisingly) but due to all the different celebrations of late, it’s been sort of swinging back around. and with it comes a certain amount of just feeling gross, and crafty-sneaky self-loathing. It blends in so well! Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I need a therapist.
and a physical therapist fffff
i’m just… physically not active much. and it shows. and i don’t like my body and i think i could be doing more to be active but i feel like i have a mental block towards like… all the self-improvement stuff that’s really simple and straightforward that i have to Just Do. it’s easier to throw money at things.