Ah haaaaaa that’s very clicky outside. A sound that doesn’t belong.
ffffffffffffff it one hundred percent figures that AS SOON as I get my keeb working and connected to my iPad, and open.a new post in wordpress, r comes out to say hi and chat and say “I haven’t seen much of you today.” No fucking shit. Look how happy and chatty you were. I wasn’t missed. And of course you’re aware enough to poke at me as soon as I do anything outside of like…. sitting in your room on your bed or cleaning the kitchen. I’m such a fucking piece of shit.
I can’t really blame you for not wanting to stick around, for projecting your thing-doing anxieties onto me. I’m boring and useless.
And then you have the gall to come out here like “nah you did so much today and I definitely care about your new mechanical keyboard build”…. tbf I technically did things today, they were just all things I could do without leaving the bed surface. Well, mostly. Aside from cleaning the bathroom and the kitchen.
(That’s right, I’m no longer on permanent kitchen backup duty, I actually have a spot on the chore wheel. And my first week is upstairs bathroom, and I’ve been feeling sick… ahh I need nested parentheses now, don’t I ….. and today Jess was like “I wanna take a bath” and I knew if I didn’t do it before her that she’d do it, and she said as much when I announced my intentions/made sure I would be able to get in first to clean the scummy-ass tub before her so yeah I had to clean the tub literally asap after a late breakfast this morning, late bc I didn’t sleep well, didn’t sleep well bc smoke, thought I was sick bc of smoke, ok is that all for the backwards parenthetical explanation)
And there he fucking goes, on a walk. Your ideal, most self-actualized days don’t involve me at all. And your house is better at doing the dishes than mine, but they’re not any better at connecting with me than my house, which is to say not at all and I’m always aware of how empty and perfunctory my interactions w everyone are, how much of a fucking failure they are. Tl;dr I don’t belong anywhere. The knowledge I’ve managed to absorb, the shitty little experiences I’ve had…. none of it is right for connecting with anyone.
Even just today, my very first boyfriend, who was part of the friend group I introduced M to when she first moved up here, called M to talk for 6 hours about all his life changes (he got married and divorced! Damn bro)… I’m not in touch with anyone. No one cares enough to be in contact with me, I’m not interesting or worthwhile. I’m failing to try in ways that result in connection and communication and sharing.
And m told me about this, yeah, and then has like…. been in the discord a decent amount but hasn’t replied to any of my messages. Literally no one wants anything to do with me today. And I don’t know how to change that fact for tomorrow, or the next day, or week, or month, or year. I show up places and attract emotionally stunted people with underdeveloped senses of humor, and I look down on the handful of people who might actually want to connect with me.
Two days ago, when I thought that I might have COVID bc of a sore throat rather than just having lots of smoke in the air, I went and got a swab test after work. the swabbing was kind of painful, like, totally bearable, but I definitely squnched my face up and my eyes teared up. Pulling the swabs out was worse than going in for some reason. Definitely that … raw-ish feeling of flesh that isn’t used to being touched, where simple contact sets off untried pain nerves.
Oh, right. I was going somewhere else with that. After the swab test, I texted the house to give my intended plan and check if that worked for everyone, and give peeps a chance to reply. I drove to a park that I’d never been to, but had heard of multiple times, near the testing center. I couldn’t help but notice the easily accessible train tracks near there.
I can tell that my body doesn’t want to drink much more, doesn’t have much use for it and it might not feel great, but…. I don’t know what else to do. I’m lonely and I hate myself and it feels obvious that no one wants me around. the latter two items are the same, you know.
Fuck, dude. My writing sucks. It’s been so long since I bled. It feels good because it’s one of the few irrefutable, tangible things I can do reliably. I can clean the kitchen, but that’s some easily erased nebulous shit with no start or finish, and it’s Expected of me to boot. It’s seen as some bare minimum functional shit rather than something I chose to do purely bc I could.
Phone, iPad, Bluetooth speaker, and wireless keyboard. I have 4 whole-ass battery-powered items I’m running down right now.
I don’t know what to do with myself, so…… the thing that occurs to me to do is making a PowerPoint for potential therapists. That would be the constructive thing. but do I want to be constructive?
I don’t think I want to be doing this post anymore. There’s plenty I haven’t gotten around to sharing, but oh well. A failure to connect here, too; I can’t say I’m surprised.