i’m at home-home. in *my* room. jesus fucking christ.
lately i’ve been really fucking bad with the hurt and insecurity abt r not wanting to fuck me. he tells me “I *want* to want to,” and then when he’s by himself, left to his own devices, he tells me he’s jacking off multiple times a day.
i don’t want to lose you. but…. i need this settled. are you ever going to be attracted to me? are you ever going to want to share your sex and your body with me? If the answer is “no” to both of those, then what are you thinking with regards to the future of our relationship? In the same conversation as the want-to-want-to, you also said some roundabout thing that basically suggested “aside from the whole kids thing” tht we haven’t figured out, you were thinking you and i would end up married.
i can’t figure out if i’m okay with having a relationship of some sort with you still with no sex. i feel like i need to figure out how to give that more consideration if i really want to be real and… confront myself and my polyamory, even if *you* said *you’re* monogamous. like, you’re a great guy…. i like you a lot…. but i’m really attracted to you, and the rejection hurts. is this what m went through with me, basically?
sometimes when i’m uh. “lucid” and not totally lost in my own freakouts, my thinking is that i’m probably more attractive to him when i have my shit together and have good boundaries and am being my own person, rather than being the person who falls apart bc of not getting dicked the way she wants. it’s occurred to me multiple times. i don’t know exactly how to bootstrap that shit myself. i could try to get a therapist. i can make lists of next steps to take. but lately when he says something snippy and dismissive to me it’s like flipping a switch. like this is always simmering under the surface and i don’t know how to let it go. and of course quarantining in one place means i’m in his room cause of course he’s not going to choose to be in my place and of course his shitty tiny room that he doesn’t know how to clean is not a calming, enjoyable space for me to be in, and of course i can’t alter it much bc it’s a shitty old house with plaster walls (i think? there are issues with wall mounting things, this much i know) and few power outlets. Cold empty thin walls and not my space. And basically 6 ppl sharing the upstairs bathroom.
And then, when i think about my lease here ending next march…. i don’t want to leave my crap here, either. i want to be able to access my space and all my nice things. and i’m tired of leaving them to ppl who refuse to care for them.
first step: set up initial appointments/meet-and-greets with prospective therapists.
second step: make a plan for how to manage/mitigate my sads rearing their head in a variety of situations. ask for reassurance. drive here for space or something. make sure i always have money so i can treat myself or afford to drive somewhere or w/e.
third step: try to be my own person and take responsibility for my feelings instead of leaking as much on r. planning helps w this. if i have intentions, setting out the requisite materials can help it be easier to roll into that thing next instead of getting stuck on my phone or my feels.
^actually step 0. part of my problem is needing to reframe. right now when i’m in r’s space, it’s my first instinct to let it leak because it’s his fault, right? it’s his fault i feel this way. he’s not meeting my needs. he did something to set me off.
a more helpful way to reframe…. i’m having a knee-jerk emotional reaction rn. but i can keep that separate from the other person in this situation, bc they have every right to feel however they wanna feel about sex. it’s on me to keep good boundaries and realize what will upset me. (like the wordless Sex Button Time… I don’t think I want him touching my junk with his hands for a while. or having my boobs grabbed casually) idk i haven’t always been good at thinking of new ways to frame things i Have Feelings about, this probably needs work.
fourth step: cultivate the activities that feel like uhhh “team-building”. where we’re good at coordinating and collaborating. i got that feeling the other night when we went grocery shopping. heh…. i don’t know what else. it feels like it’s very much up to r’s mood whether we’re a good team or not. he can be judgmental like hella. sometimes working on the room remake was teamlike. cooking is rarely teamlike. planning helps me with most things.
i know i’ve been a drain and a drag lately. i’m sorry that my ability to control and/or conceal my emotions has not been sufficient to avoid that. i’m gonna try to work on it. i understand if you’re not interested, but if it’s not too much to ask, i could really use some reassurance that you don’t see me as just a roommate. that you want me here as your girlfriend and that you are currently interested in sharing not just your life and space with me, but also your sexuality sometimes. and for the record, even if i’m trying to work on this, i’m still going to need reassurance from you…. maybe kind of a lot.
*assuming* everything goes fine…. i’ll probably need to reference the ideas in this post a few times.