mmmmmm. 3 pm on a sunday and i’m feeling all right.
it’s been a minute. not sure the best way to catch you up. don’t know what’s important to me.
i’m playing acnh with m right now. visiting her island is nice. it’s nice to do things for me that don’t feel like a compromise with what r wants/expects of me. feels like a relief, even if it also feels like i’m putting myself at risk of r not wanting to spend time around me or be interested in me. if i were trying to get his approval, i’d do pt, then go for a walk, then cook a healthful meal using all ingredients we have here (spoiler: we have like, enoki mushrooms, 2 handfuls of kale, and carbs, not enough to Actually make good healthful things), clean up after, and then put on some stupid documentary. and then my day would be gone and the work week would begin. it gives me panic sads thinking about it.
and in the meantime, with me out of the way, he’d be jerking it in here or something
or, idk, maybe i’m wrong. i feel like this and he acts so distant bc he gets really into whatever Thing he’s doing, and then after he’s done with the Thing, he becomes more talkative and friendly. is it bad that i feel like i can’t trust it to be genuine, or is that…. sensible?
i feel like he would only like me if i accomplished things a lot of the time and didn’t do anything frivolous that furthers none of my stated goals…. but like… that was how i spent my time today. m and i ran around her museum and hit each others’ characters with bug nets, for a satisfying and silly thwack of haptic feedback. and that made me happier than like, checking a bunch of boxes would have.
i am actually really struggling to do things, though. i’ve been just barely keeping up with my PT exercises every other day… sometimes it takes me 2 hours to do all of them… and it’s so. i feel like they’re plateauing a bit. they’re helping but like, i think there’s a component of this that’s going to keep coming back from my posture at work, and like…. there’s some kind of stability in my knees that i still don’t have yet so sometimes i put weight on a leg and my knee just slams backward.
and i have these fleeting thoughts of how I Could be…. walking or running daily, reading new books all the time, sewing cool clothes for myself and a mask here and there, making more delicious salads, drawing things that i get ideas for…. and then i think about the beginning of the work involved and i just wilt. how stupid and useless. i need to get over/around that.
and i feel shitty about my current friend sitch….. aka nothing…. l doesn’t try to talk to me at all unless i say something first. peeps at work barely ask me about my stuff even though i try to take an interest in theirs and try to remember things about them. r’s housemates barely tolerate me. i got excited for arranging a little xmas music swap thing and was talking to r and s and a about it in the kitchen the other night, and then after i’d described it and invited peeps to come listen or participate, j was just like, “fuck christmas. christmas sucks. it’s everything that’s wrong with our system.” like…… on the one hand i totally get that sentiment in general, but literally never have i ever tried to organize anything here in this house for myself and the one time i do, you immediately shit on it in front of half the house? Oh, and then a few days later you say you have a secret music thing that you want to perform as part of it?
people really don’t like me. and i don’t know why. or how to fix it. i’m not always amazing at conversation starters or like, questions for people, or thinking of things to say in a convo… but i try to be nice and kind and funny and present. and am probably failing to be those things.
🙁
a few days left until xmas. i need to work on gifts for my parents and grandmother and r and k. buy books, buy running lights, buy running pants, buy light layers.
drive around forever.
do pt.
be a worthwhile human.
sleep.
pay rent.