whoops, another 3 months gone by.
i’m typing from the “art zone” at… technically my house now. I’m moving out of the house i shared w/ m, b&t, and my sibling. j & i hung up a bunch of my string lights downstairs, r donated an old desk now that he has a fancy standing one, and I brought my desk chair and computer speakers from my old room. now there’s another space that’s clean and usable most of the time that isn’t the hotly sought solarium, so ppl who aren’t students with urgent needs actually have a real place to go that isn’t a couch or a chair in a busy kitchen.
it’s had a few downsides, though. our housemate, sg, a newbie to the house this last september and a law student, and one of the biggest solarium campers, came back recently from his gf’s house where he’d been staying for about 2 months. and after the work that multiple ppl had put in, after 4+ ppl had all discussed what they wanted out of improving the space and then executed that, he comes back and is like “oh look at this space that’s newly cleaned out, looks like a perfect place to strew around some drum kit pieces!” and “oh look at this nice desk chair that wasn’t here before, i sure hope no one specified in person and in the house text thread multiple times already not to fucking take it to the solarium! like… fuck. common space doesn’t secretly mean “take what i want to make myself more comfortable and fuck everyone else.” he’s such a…. player? idk how to say it in non-romo terms, i just mean he’s socially very quick and friendly but insincere and hiding his actual motivations and judgments.
at least he listens to boundaries wrt sharing personal belongings and is nice about it, even if he still wants to have everything nice for himself without putting in any of the fucking effort. that’s what matters, in the end. he’s already announced he doesn’t want to renew his lease this fall, lol.
i’m a little bummed about leaving my house… when i go there, i look at the room I put together full of stuff i like and have slowly curated (is that too douchey a word to use there) over time and am sad to no longer have my own private space that’s well-organized and well-taken care of. r and i are doing our best to make his room fit two adult humans, but it’s required throwing some money at it lol. and he doesn’t have a color palette like i did. also, the house itself was much nicer than this one. ughhhh that kitchen with its enormous granite countertop centerpiece. could’ve been so good for cooking and entertaining, except for the fact that i lived with a bunch of introverted messy dish-phobic stoners in a pandemic.
it’s a small consolation that many of the things i own are the things that helped make that place comfy and cute and put-together. i’ll take them with me and i’ll have a chance to make another place spacious and enjoyable. and in the meantime, i’ll be saving a fuckton on rent and utilities.
i do need to figure out what i owe on the internet and heat bills. there’ll be one last electricity and wsg bill eventually but probably not for another 2 months. and then i need to transfer the heat acct to someone else.
once i get moved out of there fully… that’ll be…. basically the first time in a year that i don’t feel like i’m holding my breath + waiting for something to get out of the way so i can do me. i have done an absolute shit job of furthering any of my goals lately. i sewed a bathrobe belt part of the way (french seams = double the work, but still, it’s just a fucking belt) and the rest of my efforts in my free time have gone towards…. organizing and cleaning various rooms. i’ve barely even been doing makeup, even though i got this new excellent enormous fluffy fan brush that i love playing with.
more money = more donations, more buying music i like, more savings, a chance for therapy and maybe psychiatry (oh yeah… i had what might’ve been an anxiety attack bad enough that i went to the ER and got myself a sweet sweet $900 hospital bill for my trouble, and then when i talked to my gp she was like “i can put you on a different antidepressant that doesn’t exacerbate anxiety like yours does” like uhh…. i’ve had these kind of symptoms BEFORE i ever took wellbutrin and you brushed them aside then too, you just treat everyone like drug seeking addicts in your particular medical… system? company? physician network???? and i’m not looking for general ongoing anxiety reduction, i just sometimes get fucking chest pains and it might be nice to have something to take that rules out anxiety BEFORE I have to go spend $900 at the stupid ER. You know, acute vs chronic symptoms. Fuck you. )
i also got some new scrubs today so that my only black pair isn’t gonna be covered in bleach stains right at crotch level lmao. this last week i’ve been on a kick of actually sort of giving a shit about my appearance at work and at home, like, being aware that ppl think i’m default not cute just by existing now that i’m like 50 lbs heavier than i used to be. or at least that’s what i assume the deal is. never put in much effort before, either. and my grasp of how to be cute and put together clothes i like in a way that looks appealing and aesthetic kind of… comes and goes. it’s wild how much thought and attention i can spend on that without really having a system or more consistent success. but yeah, i would like it if people default treated me better and like i’m more worthwhile, and if putting effort into being cute is the way to do that, then double bonus. so pretty soon here my scrub wardrobe should be less bleached goodwill chic.
one of the room things r & i tried to improve recently was the bed. the old mattress + box spring were sagging hard in the middle; it was time. We ended up going w/ a casper mattress, the original, when we were able to get a decent discount on it. neither of us were sleeping well the first few nights, then we put r’s old 3″ foam topper from the previous setup on the bed. now he sleeps better and i don’t wake up w/arm or back pain/numbness, but i still… don’t feel rested. i wake up tired and feeling unfinished w/unconsciousness no matter how much i sleep. what i can’t figure out is whether this is actually 100% the bed setup, or if i happen to also be getting slammed with a bout of depression lately. is the lack of quality sleep causing me to feel pointless and worthless and unable to try doing old hobbies bc they seem too effortful to hold any joy? or is the ‘pression sneaking up on me causing my excessive, poor sleep, thus exacerbating other symptoms?
being w r makes me feel better, though. that’s one thing that’s really… been better lately. i feel more secure in our relationship a lot of the time, and it’s easy, and i like him, and he still seems chill with me somehow even when i’m useless and shitty and eating garbage snax.
oh shoot, i need to set up a mail redirect soon.
but yeah. he… has made a point of saying nice things to me A Lot in the last few months. It…. may or may not have coincided with his most recent attempt to stop taking Adderall completely. He’s been so affectionate and also like… slightly more sexually available lol. That’s not as much a crucial point as it might’ve felt half a year, a year ago. Just feeling secure with him is the most important thing, it turns out, i guess. or an increase in the combination of the two maybe, w/e. i hope…. i hope everything turns out. i hope we can figure out a mutually enjoyable solution to the whole children thing. i hope i can be enough of a worthwhile person to keep around. i hope i can be a thoughtful, proactive partner. he does appreciate when other ppl make him food, so if i can try to plan ahead on that… i do kinda need to go to costco tomorrow or something.
as for m…. i’m kind of over it. i’ve seen her treat people pretty damn bad this year and i’m just not interested in her life after seeing the consistent awfulness. we were sort of talking recently but i found it weirdly easy to like… not reply much. which is not my usual style, i struggle with brevity, as you can fucking tell lmao. but to her, right now, to the things she’s choosing to say… there’s just not much. glad you’re keeping up with all your dudely relationships and whichever most recent people haven’t demanded anything of you. glad you’re enjoying some electronics and networking projects. it doesn’t really intrigue or excite me when you’re being shitty to other people and refusing to communicate with me about the things you, hmm, *say* make you sad, and only say to other people, about me. manipulative. Lazy. Unfriendly. I’m tired and bored of the power play maze. Sure, I miss my best friend from way back when. Haven’t heard from her in years. She’s around but literally never asks after me, even when we’re in the same room. Sharing stuff with you has been hazardous for a long fucking time, even if it still feels like it *could* be good. I think if I put myself out there, I could probably do better.
it’s a big “if” tho lmao
i think…. ugh, i don’t know. needing to keep up with my physical therapy exercises throws a wrench in the intention to just go home after work and pack until 9pm. i do need to do certain things to take care of my body but finding the time is always hard, always inconvenient. the more pt I do and the more i get better enough that it takes less time, the more exercises he piles on. i average an hour and a half per session. it’s frustrating as fuck bc it makes me not want to do it, even though i know it’ll make my problematic bones behave better. some of the exercises could be done in r’s room, aside from how dirty the floor gets. the resistance band + a brace of some sort is really only necessary on what, 4 of the sets of exercises (which usually have r + l each so it’s more like 7 sets)? it would be cool if i could figure out how to break up the exercises so it goes by quicker and is less of a strug to access d/t living room scheduling conflicts. it would be maybe 45 min each night, or like, a half an hour one night, an hour the next? resistance band exercises are the tough ones that take longer. although i might want to do certain cooldowns both nights.
ooh, i should also be looking for a tv cart.
i think i’m ready to leave the art zone and go do some light online shopping and organizing for tmrw. maybe even have some screen off time before bed if i’m super cool. how ~aspirational~