day 3 of my incidental, unasked-for 4-day weekend. i had been doing okay for my stomach until friday night, when r and i went to get some japanese food and overate slightly. there’s something about the evening that like… my guts just kinda slow down and i have to give like 1-3 extra hours to digest stuff that in the morning i’d go through in an hour.
friday night driving around i explained the current work sitch to r and he had the most useful advice of anyone i’ve talked to so far. “unable to meet peak demand with current staffing” (self-explanatory) “context switching” (which is apparently a whole job to manage and make sure the ppl who have to do that are able to do so efficiently/effectively?) and “resolution” (the numbers our CFO cares about are too “zoomed out” to see the peaks and valleys that actually affect our performance/matter to our capacity)
what was also weird was like… it was harder to explain my work sitch to r smoothly than it was with my therapist. like when i was talking to her i was honestly impressed that i was able to abstract it that much for that long, and she seemed to understand. but maybe that’s just her being good at inferring shit from ppl who have wildly variable communication abilities. and also r kept like.. interrupting, sometimes for good reason. driving, moving between car and fred meyer, etc.
saturday…. we went closer downtown so i could buy some supplies more locally. i haven’t been in that area for a long time. it’s supposed to be this cool happening place but when i’m there it just feels dirty, uncomfortable, and difficult to get around. which i guess only means i haven’t like… ever ever used that as my stomping grounds. we got some good food and rushi got to try a couple of mexican places he hadn’t before. And Yet still had to eat a bunch of stuff later that night ughhhhh not my best idea. i didn’t even crave it that bad, it just….. sounded nice to have more tacos. to actually be satisfied by tacos and not just have a little teaser snack. Brain hunger, not stomach hunger. What do?
so hopefully today won’t turn out like that. i would like to be craftsy and giftsy. gotta be earlier about gifts this year ughhh
i’ve been listening to this playlist i made when feeling extremely horny and like… broadcasting that at the lab? bc work crush? all good songs, still slappin.
you know what’s nice? last weekend, in my journal, i basically @-ed my brain and was like look. this crush can’t go on. it’s bad for u. you’re gonna get hurt if you keep getting this high off this dude who isn’t your bf, even considering polyam things and how close i’ve come to talking to r about this. i tried to be thorough and thoughtful about it and filled up a page or two, then went to bed. and about three business days later, it was like a switch had flipped. like yes it took some processing energy but i don’t feel that same… weight of expectation on a stranger. not a stranger, i guess, but a new friend. and i would like very much to keep being his friend, i think. like yeah sure maybe polyam things later i guess, whatever, but i feel like i can be more reasonable about it all now. like i don’t have to have stupid infatuation-fueled ulterior motives for things i say and do in the lab. no more “i don’t want to get poked by your bones while i’m getting poked by your bones” even though they apparently found that very entertaining. that was a step too far for something as acoustically slutty as our office.
i’m also in a mood of wishing for glowy shit. r’s room is insufficiently glowy. i can’t believe the string lights i got from target already fuckin blew out in the living room. just completely fuckn dead. what’s the point of trying to make this house nicer if the electrical wiring is just gonna eat all my hard work?
dating r has made it easier to expect sex jokes that are…. making jokes out of sexual situations, as opposed to making a non-sexual situation sexual and that’s why it’s funny. i think. it’s hard to fully GrAsP(TM) it’s not…. what i wanted or expected but seems like a useful skill. i guess.
oh, right. we finally get around to the thing i meant to use this post to think through xD somewhere in this whole work crush thing, some of my libido regarding rushi has changed. i think it was already changing before anyway, tbh? it’s not like this thing made a switch flip off in my brain. but like… i’m more likely to not want to go from 0 to 60. need more time to work up to things. and it’s about damn time, you know? god forbid i be wary of you grabbing for my nip-nops when for so long, it’s been a fucking joke to you to get a reaction out of me and then go do something else, completely unaffected and uninterested. it’s a rare fucking treat to have felt attracted to someone else where there’s like… potential to not be treated that way. for both ppl to feel electricity and passion and not turn it into a fucking joke. it’s cute and nice that you actually told me with your mouth that you “want some fucky” yesterday. that might actually be the first fucking time you’ve said you wanted sex. with me. although you didn’t say that part. but at least it was somewhat implied.
i guess maybe that’s something i could stand to share with him directly. maybe. fuck, i don’t know. this one time doesn’t make him higher libido or more interested in me. i could see it deepening a rift, too. or like… not exactly that, but…. kind of like that.
it’s a good thing i chose this domain name because what’s more fitting a title for a sad horny person? pwease fill my holes uwuwuwuwuwuuwuwuwwuwuw they’re taking over evewything uwuwuwu yeah.