heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey
I guess it sure has been like four months since I wrote on here somehow. that five months has gone really fucking fast. let’s see what’s up…
- I still have some acid refluxy whatever that makes me feel exhausted and like I’m short of breath and going to pass out if I don’t eat a certain way (no spice, no caffeine, mint/chocolate/beer/alcohol/fat/basically anything delicious can cause it to flare up) but I’m taking less omeprazole than before and still working my way down. and yes it did get worse after I got my moderna booster and my house got covid
- yeah my house got covid. i was one of two people who didn’t ever have symptoms or test positive but so far no one has had really debilitating long-covid symptoms pop up, for which i am grateful
- except my sibling might’ve flown to tennessee to visit some kind of datemate of unknown relationship length and gotten a mild case of covid in the process that never got a positive test result and definitely actually does have long covid symptoms now, to add to all the stuff that they already deal with
- my dad has developed some severe health problems that, while not inherently cancer, are cancer-like and are probably a result of the chemo he underwent several years ago when he beat cancer. like apparently it’s a thing, that 5% of ppl who take these drugs develop this disorder later. and he’s reacting way worse to the chemo this time around, just having a really fucking awful time.
- he and my mom were both planning to retire soon. now as a result of him being sick, those time frames are accelerated in order to take care of him. i don’t know if he’s going to have health insurance as long as they were hoping and he’s in the hospital rn, so i’m really …. when i think about it, i’m very worried about them financially and don’t know what to do. how am i supposed to live my life and also take care of them?
- r and i are looking into moving out of this house. it’s gotten harder to manage housemates after everyone getting covid, ppl have stronger diverging opinions on how to “reopen” after most everyone getting sick. one of our roommates in particular, d, is a nurse and actually works on covid-related stuff and is still saying joe rogan shit like “all these strict restrictions that you put on other people did nothing to help anyone in the house except [other person who didn’t get covid—still not sure why I didn’t count there] so what was even the point? We need to just accept that getting sick with covid is part of the new normal so we can get back to our lives” or some shit like that. it seems like a lot of clique-y conversations went down behind the scenes, not in the main group thread, and then when we all get together to talk about it, what comes through is this “i know better than you” attitude. like, fuck off. go live in a house with my ex gf if that’s how you feel. you two can talk about how covid deaths are just like a hurricane or whatever.
speaking of her. I guess I gotta exit the bullet points for this bc it’s gonna be long. i went and got my furniture from that house recently bc k is in the process of moving out, and i also grabbed our former housemate’s mail from the common areas per their request so they don’t have to interact with their ex-wife who sexually assaulted them.
originally when i showed up to help k and grab my stuff, i wasn’t even gonna announce my presence, i was just gonna try to go for it and get away with being in common spaces as long as possible without someone noticing and coming out to check on me. but r advised me to shoot a message to the group.
of course, immediately after sending that i hear footsteps thumping around quickly upstairs where before the living room had sounded quiet and empty. and of course, the abusive ex-wife was in the kitchen the whole fucking time i was there, for basically no reason–picking up a dish from the sink here and there, puttering, keeping an eye on me for whatever reason. dunno what you’re afraid of but ok sure, you’re in control here. have fun with that.
i’d been working on dismantling a table for maybe 10 minutes when i hear footsteps coming down the stairs from the master bed/2nd floor, and in a voice that sounds just as tired and croaky as ever, “hey. want some help?” …. that just about encapsulates our relationship, doesn’t it? Even when we have no actual friendship to offer each other, nothing positive, we stick together and help each other out. which could be a good thing. has been a good thing sometimes.
what grosses me out about it is that is glosses over everything that’s been bad in the last two years. by accepting her help now, i’m supposed to just… move on from everything i’ve been thinking and feeling. i can’t. everything that you said and the way you treated everyone during covid was so fucking rancid. when T left B on account of the sexual assault, cutting off the shitty housewife from all the money for food, rent, phone, etc, i can picture with crystal clarity how you were so happy to swoop in and “save” her, “save” the house. now that the house needs you (and other-B) financially, you can gleefully re-enter without having to address any of the house’s previous covid concerns. and B would of course love to have a friend after she drove away her partner, someone sympathetic who can also shit-talk T now that they’re gone.
so no, I didn’t and don’t want your “help.” but of course i’m not gonna say shit while i’m still trying to get my and T’s stuff out safely, especially since R and my dad had to leave to drop stuff off at the storage unit.
so m and other-b hung out on the couch trying to help me with a few little things–i got my old ps3, m pulled out some old logitech mice that could’ve been hers or mine or joint purchases. she seemed to be legitimately trying to be helpful. i just feel so done and so unable to trust. and i feel pretty confident that she’s unwilling/unable to do any of the things that would rebuild that trust.
it was very weird being there and kind of sad. the living room was super hot and smelled like cat waste (great combo even through my kn95). everything i saw was messier, dirtier, and more cluttered than ever, from the kitchen to the bathroom. other-b was still playing the same like… hard rock, industrial, older music as always. it was weird to see him after so many years, too. it looks like his teeth are kind of fucked up or maybe he just hasn’t brushed in a really long time?
other-b had a present for me of different mint-colored pens and stuff. cute and nice and i’ve already enjoyed them a lot, but like… what the fuck? y’all have surely been talking shit about me behind my back, our relationship has been getting more and more strained, and you fully stopped talking to me five months ago. (not like i tried to encourage the conversation at all, either… i’ve been pretty passive.) and then i had to be in proximity for unrelated reasons and all is well? I appreciate the hospitality while i needed to get my stuff out, but this level of friendliness is not the one we’re on. which… you know.
i guess what you don’t know is how i’m feeling. but i’ve been playing this game (if i can call it that) for a long time now. you haven’t asked me a question -at all- in probably over a year. if you wanted to know and not just assume a bunch of crap, you could theoretically ask. you did ask a few things about like… where we’re living and how my dad is doing when i was there in person. i wonder why that’s easier for you. but yeah none of that included asking direct stuff about me. which, i guess i understand.
while i was there, she said a bunch of stuff about wanting to catch up and hang out sometime and blah blah blah.
and then i left and that was the end of it. she didn’t follow up on any of what she was saying and i was left to sort through what i was feeling. and the main feeling i had was that i didn’t want to put more effort into reaching out to her just based on running into each other and having one mildly positive interaction that did nothing to make the other issues between us go away.
and here i kind of run into some trouble. i sorta already told my therapist that i directly specifically broke up with m, when i …. did not do that. i told her that i told m i had a problem with how she treated t during covid house boundary talks and it made me realize things about how m treated me and how that wasn’t a good thing. i also didn’t say any of that to m. i’ve more been doing what i described above, where i just wait for m to ask about it before saying anything, I’ve been very not forthcoming in our previous messages about anything to do with me. so… the problem here is that i want to ask my therapist for advice about approaching this conversation, but like. some of the stuff i want to say is stuff that she thinks i’ve already said.
oh. getting ahead of myself a little, actually. i actually kind of fucked up in another way….. after that weekend of moving stuff, i sent m a post on tumblr for the first time in several months. it was like. it seemed perfect for her, it seemed like something she would really appreciate and enjoy. wordplay about computers. “caches to caches, rust to rust.” i thought it would be a while before she saw it and that it would fly under her radar, and not be a time-sensitive thing. as tumblr shares usually are. nope! fuckity nope! i woke up the next morning to an absolute shit fuck ass load of messages from her, trauma dumping about how overworked she and other-b have been in the last few months (because she got him hired at her work bc ofc). just… SO much info, oh my god.
so now i have decisions to make. i have like actual concrete messages to respond to, or not. if i do respond, i have to figure out what i want to say. it’s fucking annoying how it’s been what, like…. two days? one day? since she messaged me and it’s just taking up so much fucking space in my brain. i don’t want this. but it gives me a lot of brain energy to focus on it, somehow. just… endless fodder for Having Feelings and Thinking About Myself. two of my favorite things i guess.
i think it makes it easier for me to live my life and move on and stuff and have space for other, new people if i don’t try too hard to rekindle. if i leave her as an ex.
I’m also thinking about exiting the house discord now that I have my furniture. as far as i can think, there’s nothing else for me there… internet… utilities… the ikea shelf i left… all the plates and mugs and kitchen things i left…. T’s cat, insta pot, wii u, ps4. i need to ship them their mail now gdi. x.x
there’s this dimension… i mean. god. there’s so many things fucking with me about this. but one of those axes in particular is like… engaging with the power dynamics vs trying to act like i’m above them/not engaging. if I try to speak my end of things plainly, I might just give her fodder to judge me and/or manipulate me and/or treat me badly. I don’t want to give her information on how I’m doing or what I’m feeling or thinking at all.
How am I feeling and thinking tho? Overwhelmed, I think. Stressed. Completely unsurprised. Judged. I want to leave the door open for future potential reconciliation, but I want it to be clear that I know she’s not trustworthy.
my uterus is starting to rly hurt and i’m getting distracted by rereading her messages again to glean all meaning possible. fuck this is so annoying. i should be working on sewing projects.