today sucked and I’m sad and post-stressed and hollowed out.
was i supposed to be able to follow grant’s instructions at that speed? maybe he was assuming i knew how to do a regular split. this seemed like a weird micro-double-split, from what i could follow. i wish i hadn’t spent the entire night on it instead of doing actual reasonable things. I feel useless and behind and stupid. I feel tired… i just want to sit forever instead of running up and down the stairs all day and hauling my stupid stretchy pants up over my hips over and over and over and over trying to prevent the material from making that snapping noise but really probably just gesturing and touching my body in a way that accentuates my fat and unattractiveness.
furthermore. cute coworker. FUCK. monday: i was doing something in the back room around 5:30, he passed through and remarked, “you’re still here?”, somewhat surprised. I aimed for some kind of indignant/snarky “Yeah!” and then gestured to him, intending to follow it up with something like “you’re one to talk!” but decided against THAT because he was obviously leaving, tried to run through different iterations of the flavor in my head… and ended up not saying ANYTHING. He waited a few moments through this display, then when it was clear I wasn’t going to say anything else, laughed a little and kept walking. Like the most awkward thing I could have done. I didn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed or anything (but maybe I just don’t know how it would feel if I did feel those things), I just felt AGITATED. I finally had a chance to talk to him and I fucked it up ROYALLY. Went home and drank a bunch of tequila with M and Rushi. Imagine my surprise the next day, when passing in opposite directions, and rather than the usual mutual ignoring I look at him and he’s looking at me and he WAVES?????????? Like, instead of saying anything, or smiling (idk, maybe there was a smile there), from a few feet away, he WAVES. who the fuck does that?! and why???????!!!!!!! I think I smiled or some shit. My conclusion at that point was that he was, idk, humoring me, maybe stooping to what was perceived as my level since I was pretty nonverbal the previous night. I fuckign. I. fuck. I don’t know what to think. I think that I’m a pathetic piece of shit and there are very few interpretations of my actions that paint me in a positive light.
I was literally rendered speechless my my work crush deigning to talk to me, and now… he acknowledges me sometimes? yesterday I saw him looking at me (or somewhere pretty dang close to me) from across the floor. he waved again in passing, also. and did so again today. what does it meeeeeaaaaaan and you know what? More than that, what the fuck do I *want* it to mean? I’m all tied up in knots over this shit, weak-kneed at the timing and barest encounter, seeing his face across the room still always seems so… idk, it gets to me somehow. he just stands out, in a physical attractiveness kind of way. 😛 …………… anyway, there’s that side of things, but then there’s the side of things that’s more…. me af, less like shallow infatuation and more just how i think. the part of me that fears him reciprocating any interest, or reciprocating to the extent that it’s beyond reciprocation because it’s actually one-sided at that point because all of my positive emotions toward other people are hollow constructs that collapse when challenged. because my emotions bottom out when it’s not a roller coaster. because, maybe, i reject people for liking me when they get to know me. sometimes to the point of literal nausea.
also also. even before this week, i’d kinda wondered if he was autistic or anything bc… gloves. always turning lights out in the break room when it’s just him. resting bitch face/frequently not responding verbally when i say something in passing, whether it’s “excuse me” or “sorry” or “good morning” or whatever. is it terrible of me to think that if he is, maybe i would have more of a chance? i guess i mean that more as like… it provides a particular framework for me to understand his actions that would be more likely to suggest his responses are actually positive, and not… pity, or something. or thoughtless kindness. i don’t know things. i don’t know anything. i wish i was high. i’m a selfish and self-centered person and not worthwhile. i am not worth living, in fact.
on top of that… car troubles again. it makes me feel so fucking anxious and upset, and all it takes is a tremor or two, a dip in the rpms when there should be none. the engine hasn’t stalled yet but there’s no engine warning light coming on but something was definitely up last night when i was pulling in. i’m scared of it happening again, smack dab in the middle of busy season, costing hundreds and me not knowing what to do and probably making a stupid scene at some mechanic’s, crying uncontrollably because i feel so out of my depth and, well, out of control. I mean, helpless.
and after staying at work until 7 every night… i have two hours to try to defrag before starting the whole thing over. i haven’t been very successful so far. i want to go to bed but i don’t want to fuck myself over for tomorrow… no clothes, i need a shower ofc, no snack foods yet… and of course my cracked tooth has started hurting again. everything sucks and i’m a weary knot of stress and waiting for the next blow. i guess that’s hypervigilance. and i cut for the first time this year, first time in a long time. i’m such a useless self-perpetuating machine. nothing i manage to make myself do is ever enough. maybe that’s why it gets managed.
i have socks and underwear to fold and put away, i could be cleaning my desk or my bathroom or the kitchen in anticipation of m’s coworkers coming over to drink on saturday night, but… here i am. and i don’t know if this is even helping. i think maybe it’s important to record, or useful or something, but retelling it doesn’t make me feel better the way talking about it sometimes can. i had the same sense earlier when talking to m about it, but then i thought it was to do with her being bad at the kind of sympathy and support i wanted, not with me being an isolated, inconsolable piece of shit.
i feel like i should be listening to the new music i bought, but it seems like listening to stuff i know might be more likely to help me feel something actually nice. right now i’m just kind of…. enduring.
wish me luck?