*remembers to change the iTunes equalizer to its ATH-AD700 preset this time*
i was all set to forever associate this song with being mildly angsty about Rushi, too. things seem okay now. not like the…. intensity, the anticipation of last week where work was just one unending obstacle to m and them hanging out and getting drunk, but like.. the curtness was more temporary than i thought. and they actually talked about it instead of it hanging there between them silently, for whatever that’s worth. hell, even i texted him tonight to say thanks for taking m home… since i was at work for literally 12 hours. 7:30 to 7:30. and yet, my body and mind didn’t feel ready to go to bed just yet, so here i am. idk if this feels restful, but hopefully it helps.
my sephora box came today! a day early. i masked and watched ds9 while trying to keep up with texting people (everything is …. everything i do feels like it comes from a sideways version of me, like I’m not really the one thinking about it, or like it’s all p much autopilot. i don’t have the energy to think about it, so i’m glad whoever’s taking over is secretly pretty much the same as the parts of me that didn’t feel like thinking about it consciously. ummm this is the worst parenthetical) and then tried out the new moisturizer. and then promptly cried on top of the moisturizer because how in the fuck could miles and keiko be so strong and sure in sending their so recently found daughter back to the unreachable place where she’d been lost to them before? anyway i also tried out as many perfumes as my arms had distinct spots for, and that was both exciting and…. skepticism-inducing. is buying perfume from sephora too basic bitch? am i secretly like five years too late to all of these perfumes and if i like any of them i’m probably wearing the same shit as some junior in high school somewhere? (wow. rich high schooler.) got more Decadence, though. i liked having that one around. and for fucking once, i might actually…. like the perfume from the sampler that i set out to like based on the description? most of the time i’m not good at that, like, at ALL.
cute boy alert: we passed each other twice in quick succession today. the first time we both said sorry with, like, smiling voices, you know? and the second time he just laughed aloud. i failed to make eye contact. he really is nice. i just don’t know if he means nothing by it, if it’s …. friendly, if he just wants to talk and respond and all that, or if it’s an expression of interest in more than that. and uugghhhh even if it were more than that (1) I kinda hate my body and can’t imagine anyone else enjoying it, and (2) remember what i was talking about last time with the dog chasing cars thing. i have such a strong feeling that if he actually had feelings for me…. i wouldn’t reciprocate, AND would have a possibility of getting in trouble at work. soooooo you know, that’s good. better keep pursuing him.
a couple nights ago… monday night? m and i actually talked, after one of her counselor appointments. amusingly enough, it started by dissecting rushi’s most recent messages at the time. she admitted that she still wanted to bang jm, despite everything, and no one was surprised ever…. but she was surprised by some of my responses, i think. she sounded very lonely and upset and trapped by her own thoughts and feelings, like, fear of fucking things up between us even worse than they already are. not knowing if the current lack of sex and sleeping in different rooms is permanent and feeling like she didn’t have the right to ask. it was… a surprisingly good and honest talk. it’s so rare that i talk about things with her and it doesn’t feel futile and cyclical, and/or like i’m somehow lying about myself or my feelings, whether through exaggeration or minimization. BUT since it was an overtime night and we also made roasted veggies before that and i did some of my laundry as well, we were up until 1 am in order to be able to talk. Boy, did I feel like shit on Tuesday morning. I’m really, really glad that today didn’t feel like that (although i gotta be careful how long i’m blogging here lmao) she said it was rly important to her to be in the same room–not necessarily the same bed or even cuddling, but same room–for sleeping. i forget what exactly i said but it seemed to me like there were some available solutions. she got kinda spiraly/cyclical in her arguments. and i helped her have a better theoretical discussion about fucking JM or not than her counselor had provided. idk if i can remember what else. it was a lot about our current status and stuff. i was honest about, or tried to be honest about, why i don’t enjoy sleeping with her, in her bed especially. we actually had different perspectives on things personal.
aww whaaaaaat i’m like 200-300 under the usual word count still but i think i should go.