uuuugggghhhhhhhhhh today was an extended mistake marathon. it could’ve been great, but no
breakfast: three eggs scrambled with black beans, shredded chicken, cilantro, canned diced fire-roasted tomato, and topped with yogurt; bowl of oatmeal; tea
snack: the rest of austin’s chocolates that he gave us from his trip, remnant of m’s nice chocolate, two small glasses of smoothie i made w/ half fruit juice, half heavy whipping cream base
dinner: “taco salad” thing–half lettuce, half toppings. a lot of the same toppings as from breakfast but with the addition of avocado and velveeta.
snack: parmesan garlic pita chips. the crunch provides stimulation while my hands are occupied doing necessary tasks in stardew valley.
aaaand then suddenly it’s 11:30. I’m pretty sure I just spent about 11 hours straight playing stardew valley and eating intermittently… or frequently. i feel awful. i went running yesterday for the first time in months so of course i gotta sit inside all damn day and eat convenient garbage until i’m overfull at 12am with salt-swollen fingers. ew.
but… i knew. i knew i was setting myself on this path, this afternoon. hunching over my computer at breakfast, coaxing it through some necessary updates after which i told myself i could play stardew valley… the mild discomfort of sitting in one spot, less than the discomfort of having a life and doing things that take energy. shit like this is why i gained weight, but in order to change that… i should’ve tried to listen to the parts of me that weren’t totally satisfied by playing this game, instead of basically drowning them in carbs. if I’d taken a minute to listen, maybe i could’ve stopped, stood up, given myself a chance to digest and re-orient, do something productive that was on my list for today. just… a chance, instead of the torpor of certainty. how the fuck am i ever going to get a job with health insurance in time if i can’t even control this?
things i didn’t get ready for tmrw: snacks, hair. i hope i still fit in my fucking clothes lmao