ulllllll my penchant for becoming more candid the later it gets really clashes with my being tired when it’s late, these days.
- i started running again. (wait, i haven’t posted on here since i started, have i…?) I haven’t done great… I’m still not up to my target distance, and I’ve taken more than 1 day off in the past week. but it’s still a drastic change from the nothing that came before. and it’s kind of amusing and cool that i started doing it in the middle of busy season. seems like it’d be easier to find excuses then, you know, but honestly? it’s easier to make myself just do the thing when i’m already on borrowed time for what little time is mine every night. it’s also easier when there are Specific Other Things going on to also squeeze in… if ppl are coming over, i can’t just let my life expand to fill the available time without actually completing some of those things. it’s a good reminder of how to stay distracted from the pit of nothingness that i’m really good at.
- running has made me really genuinely tired every night. kinda cool, kind of annoying.
- running and busy season can’t stop me from scarfing down whatever leftovers M makes available to me. and sometimes my cravings even after that are, like, fucking ridiculous and i cave so quickly. maybe because i’m tired? i’m not sure. but yeah tonight i ate maybe 3/4-1 cup of rice, the side portions filled with pickled red cabbage and cucumbers and whatever else, a half of a fancy sandwich, literal bites of fancy cheese off a block M was snacking on, and a bowl of smorz cereal… with a little bit of cream added to the milk. my stomach is still full. i had been resisting getting a snack (oh! and 3 pieces of a kitkat bar) for long enough, and thinking about it long enough, that when i finally got up to go make the smorz, my stomach was like “hey buddy, don’t worry about it, i’m good after all” but my brain was like “NOPE NO GOING BACK NOW YOU’RE GONNA MAKE THIS SNACK AND LIKE IT” so. ulllllll
- so much housework i should be doing and am not. mostly…. vacuuming. the living room is super dirty and there’s ants. i wish m would do more without prompting, but can’t blame her for being too tired. i don’t have the energy most nights after doing OT.
- i need to get a different fucking job. pretty much all i’m qualified for is like my old position but at bigger, less cool companies, and probably more stressful. i…. don’t know enough to know how valid my anxieties are, but i’m kinda afraid of linkedin, and worry that the absence of certain things will make me subtly less attractive as a candidate. it seems like a bit of a different social network.
- no matter how much i squeeze and press and pinch, the lump on my sternum does not pop or bleed or go away. so maybe it’s more cancer on top of the ugly-ass mole we know and love.
- tomorrow is only thursday. good fucking god.
- things 100% stagnated with work crush. he stopped smiling and waving at me after the first few days and returned to RBF. was briefly gratified today when i turned the corner to the stairs just as he was on the last few steps and i said “oop, sorry” and he also said “sorry”, but his voice kinda squeaked or broke when he did so? it was very cute and i want to believe it was an indication of him also crushing on me. i fucking wish…. i guess. i think that fantasizing about him is still one of the more exciting things in my mind, but that perhaps my overall excitability has waned a bit? or maybe this is just the lull between old fantasies and the next high. (i have been fucking myself more since i started running again, so…?) whatever it is, it’s still enough to put Hot Thoughts on repeat for entire afternoons at work and be constantly back-burner thinking of him, like a compass needle.
so tired.